Answers and Lies

So did everyone get a chance to take a look at last night's blog and make a guess on our mystery item?  If you don't know what I'm talking about, you really need to head over and check it out before you read any further.  Trust me!  You don't want to ruin the surprise!  Go ahead. Just click here to see it.  You really do want to see what we're talking about because I really am going to tell you what it is.

Here it is one more time.

But first...

Don't you just hate when that happens?  Usually I do too, but it lets me exercise what little power I really do have (keep in mind that I have three children under the age of 10 so I KNOW how little power I really do have), and that gives me the sort of cheap thrills that we all know I love.  Just humor me here.  Okay fine. I'm finished!  But really, first I do have to say that I got a few guesses as to the identity of the item.  A couple of those were emailed to me because my blog wasn't being nice and letting everyone post a comment. Sorry about that!!!  Anyway, it was unanimously determined that this item is something to assist women to pee either standing up or in an emergency sort of situation like while stuck in a car.

I'm going to give you all a moment to let that sink in.  A device to help us all pee?  Seriously?!  You know, I came up with some kinky shit for this thing but none of it involved peeing.  I LOVE YOU PEOPLE!  This made me laugh!  I especially loved ALS's new name for it.  It was The Lady Loo-err.  You know, I am totally going to throw this sort of thing out to you all again sometime soon.  It truly made my day!  Alright, well here's the answer, which accounts for the answers portion of today's blog title...

Here it is as it is apparently intended for use.  That's my kids' iPod sitting in it.

Yes, this mysterious little item is apparently meant to serve as a sort of sub-woofer for an iPod!  And it's a fluke that I ever figured that out, but it fits.  The trumpet serves to enhance the sound if you play music without the headphones.  It makes the whole thing sound less tinny.  The attachment points for the trumpet even line up with the little speakers on the bottom of the iPod.  So there we have it.  It works okay, nothing amazing, but what I do find amazing is that they gave me this item with absolutely NO information or instruction on its use.  I'm personally wondering how many women are out there right now trying to pee in it!  It would serve them right for failing to inform their target audience!

Now to get to the lies portion of tonight's post.  I should really know better than to bring strange things into my house.  I thought I was being so clever!  We should all realize that I just wasn't.  You see, one other item that I got at BlogHer12 came up in general conversation today.  It was this one...

Yes, my oldest daughter, the 9 year old, found this after I'd pulled it from the suitcase that I'm still in the process of unpacking.  She took one look at it, fortunately looking at the ring itself and NOT reading the description, then proceeded to have the following conversation with me.

Daughter:  Mom, what is this?

Queen: What's what? OH MY GO..... Ummm, it's nothing. Give it to me.

Daughter, still looking at the ring:  Yes, it is.  I know what it is.  Can I have it?

Queen (chocking at this point):  ACK!  No, you can't have it and what do you think it is?

Daughter:  It's one of those rings that lights up when you wear it.

Queen (trying to grab the ring and crawl under the bed with it at the same time):  Ummm, yes. That's what it is but.... it's mine.  Give it back.

Daughter:  Can't I have it?

Queen: No.  If I give it to you, your sisters would want one too and I only have the one so... it's mine.

Daughter, scowling:  Fine then.  Here.  I'm going to watch cartoons.

And this, dear readers and loyal subjects, is why the Queen can get away with NOTHING even in her own house!  Can't you just see her going to school tomorrow with a vibrating ring on her figure.  Yeah, I'd have to move or something after that.  And on that note, I am going to go hide both the ring and that vibrator I got!  I might need to bury both in the backyard.  I'm sure I'll figure it out.  You all have a great one and careful where you pee!!!

Name That Tune!

Okay, dear readers and loyal subjects, we're going to play a game tonight!  It's called Name That Tune.... no wait, it isn't.  It's called Name That Item!  (I was a kid in the 70's so I just couldn't get by without the requisite Name That Tune reference.)  Now I have to be honest here about a couple of things.  Are you ready?  Okay, here we go.

1.  You can't really name this item.  I've already done it.  It's name is George.  That said, I'm really just trying to get someone to tell me what the heck it is!

2.  I've been trying to figure out what this was since I got it on Saturday.  It was one of those gifts that sponsors, Coupon Trader in this case, handed out at the BlogHer 12 conference last week.  I've been totally clueless until a couple of minutes ago when Hanna, my au pair, came in.  We were talking about how odd it was when she actually stumbled upon what it really is and how it works.  I think we were both shocked at that point but I do believe she's right.... not that I'm going to tell you the answer until tomorrow.  That's what we in the business call a TEASER.  Okay, I'm not sure what business it is that I suddenly think I'm in, but that's not really the point here.

3.  It is just not really possible to tell someone what this blog is about when they ask at these blogging conferences.  They want me to say it's Lifestyle, but it's not.  Or they want me to say I'm a "Mommy blogger," which I'm not.  I keep saying that it's about whatever happens to amuse me at any given point in time, but then I end up admitting that inadvertantly that means it's about porn a lot of the time.  That's about the time they go from telling me how "marketable" I am to suddenly realizing they have some pressing business in some other area and running away.  This particular point has absolutely nothing to do with our little game, but as long as I was on a roll, I decided to just sort of drop it on you all while I had your attention.  This is the Seinfeld of blogs, people!  It's about nothing!!!

Okay, so with those disclaimers out of the way, it is now time to play Name That Item!!!!  Here is what I got in a goody bag on Saturday.

It's not too big.  It's blue.  It's made of soft rubber, and it has a trumpet attached for no apparent reason.  Now we all know me, and left to my own devices, I'd guess this is something really naughty... only I can't tell what.

I've tried doing things with it.  You can blow in the trumpet and it shoots air out.  You can detach the trumpet from the sort of rectangular base.  I've tried making the trumpet stick to things like a suction cup but sadly, it doesn't work.  And you can trust me in that I tried REALLY hard!

This is the inside of the rectangular part.  (Can you tell that I've spent a LOT of time perplexed over this thing?  I mean, the blonde is natural, people, but usually after this long a period of time, I'd have come to SOME kind of conclusion, but I got nothing!)

And here's the back.  And there we have it.  It's my mystery item.  

Now, as I said, Hanna did come up with something and I tried it, so we do know what it is now.  I'm still pretty sure that I can come up with something kinky to do with it, but MPH seemed sort of adverse to letting me experiment.  So here's the trick.  If you can tell me what it is (and you'd like to have it), I will send it to you!  I'm trying to figure out why I picked up all the things I did at this conference and since I really can't, I'm giving a lot of them away.  I gave away a second Trojan vibrator to someone on my Facebook fan page over the weekend.  And I suspect this won't be the last thing that's up for grabs. So please leave a comment if you think you know.  In fact, leave one even if you don't!  I'm all for alternative uses!  In fact, I'm probably a lot more into alternative uses than I am the "real" use.  It doesn't quite work for me like it should but that's my own fault.  And that last statement will make more sense when I tell you what it is... or if you know, but let's be realistic.  That won't be the last time I make some weird and seemingly nonsensical statement around here.  It's part of my charm!  So have fun! Be creative!  And let's Name This Item!

Well I Wasn't Expecting THIS!

Well, dear readers and loyal subjects, the Queen is at the Blogher 2012 conference in New York City, and she's having a great time!  I've met some wonderful people and had some great fun both around in the city as well as at the conference.  I've quickly become "The Pterodactyl Porn Chick" which has given me a certain notoriety that I quite enjoy, but I have to say that some of the most entertaining things I've seen have involved the give aways at the conference.  It turns out that if you want a serious bag of swag, head to a blogging conference!  When you have a conference full of people who write about what they see and do online and who have lots of wonderful people like you all reading what they write... sponsors REALLY want to get their products out for what is essentially free publicity!  That said, several of these sponsors talked to me about being a featured blogger for them to review their products and get the word out about the cool things they have going on.  They all got the same universal response.  I immediately burst out laughing and assured them that they did NOT want to be featured in my blog specifically because if I was writing about them, I was probably making fun of something!  That said, I absolutely couldn't resist sharing a few things that I found.  So sponsors, now is the time to cringe.  Readers.... enjoy!!!

This... is a thumbdrive disguised as a banana!!!  Who the hell cool is this?!  Okay, here's a serious thank you to Dole for making and giving me this.  I plan to loan it to someone and then promptly ask them if that's a banana in their pocket or if they're just glad to see me!  I don't even plan to be terribly picky about whether or not they've even PUT it in their pocket!  Some things should just be assumed.

Now the people from Poise have given me a combination personal fan and flashlight (it's at the top and hard to see).  I'm not sure how to take this exactly.  Now the tag tells me that I should approach menopause with confidence so it would appear that this is my own personal "hot flash!"  Get it?!  Fan.... flashlight.... hot... flash?!  Oh come on, people! Work with me!

Alright.  Pharmaceutical company Pfizer gets the award for worst ad campaign/slogan EVER with this little item.  It's a hard cover notepad full of sticky notes.  Love the item itself but the slogan is "Get Old."  Really, Pfizer?  Get old?  Is that like get stuffed or something?!  I asked about this and the explanation I got was that you were supposed to write something on the sticky notes about how you felt about getting old based on the "mood" associated with the thought... optomistic, angry, prepared or uneasy.  Again... Really?!  I stared at the cute and very young boy who gave me this presentation while smiling charmingly at me.  I didn't deck him, but the thought did cross my mind.  Instead, I informed him that I may be getting older, but "old" wasn't something I was aiming for.  I'd really love to have a word with whoever came up with this whole slogan!

Okay, back to better items.  God bless the US Army!  They gave me a water bottle... or as it shall henceforth be known... the Jack and Diet Coke bottle!  This totally rocks and now I can go back to the conference tomorrow and I know it will be even funner because I will be tipsy and everyone will think I'm just well hydrated.  WIN!

Now for the adult product company round of our post....

Holy canolli, people!  Trojan brought "the buzz to blogger" this year.  And by buzz, I mean that they brought actual VIBRATORS!!!!  I kid you not!  I'm standing there at their booth looking at the info when the nice young man asks me which one I'd like.  I'm thinking "which one of what?" when he asks the woman with me if she'd like the small or the large.  She takes one look at him and says the only SANE thing that can be said to that.  "I'll take the large!"  I added my request by way of yelling "HELL YEAH!" and VOILA!  We had vibrators!  Wow, people... just.... wow!  I am TOTALLY coming back to this conference!!!!!

Now you all know there was no possible way for me to let this whole thing go without calling MPH (My Poor Husband) to tell him about it.  So I called him at work:

Queen:  OMG!  I was just given a vibrator at my conference!

MPH:  You were given a what?!

Queen: A vibrator!  Trojan is here and they gave me one!

MPH:  A virbrator.... really... (long pause)  Just what kind of conference are you at?!!!!

Queen:  The good kind.  Duh!

Now, all of this said, I did end up going back to my room with all my loot.  I'd have been perfectly willing to give you all a product report on this little doozy, but when I got back, I found out it took an act of congress to get the box open and then once you did that, you found out that it was packaged in that kind of hard plastic that you have to use scissors to open.  See?

Now while it did come with that pretty black bag for ease of carrying it around (like in your purse to parties for when you get bored), there was just no WAY that even I was going to walk down to the front desk of my hotel carrying this brand new vibrator and ask for a pair of scissors to cut it open.  The Queen has a few lines that she just won't cross... at least until the crowd at the front desk dies down later tonight.  It's all about standards, people.

Okay, so it turns out that Trojan isn't the only adult product company on hand here.  Eden Fantasys is here too.  They gave me a little goodie bag too!  (Incidently, when pterodactyl porn was brought up.... as it so often is... the girl at the counter here looked at me and yelled "HEY! I've googled pterodactyl porn before!"  Naturally, these were my people.)  Their goody bag contained a "Vibrating Ring for Couples."  I realize it's  hard to see in that clear bag there, but I'm pretty sure that thing doesn't go on my finger.  This should be a REAL shocker for MPH!  Don't you know he'll be pleased?!

This one doesn't look like much, I realize, but it really is great.  I did manage to find a ring for my finger too.  It lights up and strobes when you push the button on it.  So here's a big thank you to the nice people at a non-adult product company who gave it to me while I was griping about the fact that I couldn't wear the vibrating one.  I love it when people get me.

And finally, here's probably my favorite product.  It's all purpose wet wipes from Eden Fantasys "The Sex Shop You Can Trust."  Yes, people, we have wet wipes for the times that you need to get clean... but still want to feel dirty afterwards.  It just doesn't get better than this.

More Cowbell!

The Queen is in New York City, and she's having a wonderful time.  I'm here for a conference but I've built in time to explore and shop and look around and shop and see people and shop.  You know, the usual!  So today I wandered in and out of a variety of stores including a music store, and man was THAT entertaining!  Besides deciding that I am a virtuoso at playing the silent drums... yes, such a thing does sort of exist.  It makes no sound out loud but is purely digital and heard through headphones despite the drum set looking normal... I also found out that there are musical instruments that I really should be able to play!

MPH will just LOVE the tambourine I'm bringing back home!  I plan to play it about 2 am each night when I get insomnia.  I'll inform him that I have the bedroom booked for a "practice session" and just wait for the entertainment that follows!  Suddenly, insomnia seems much more fun, doesn't it?!

But my favorite instrumental discovery wasn't even the reasonably priced tambourine.  It was this:

Yes, dear readers and loyal subjects, that red cowbell really is called BELL DIABLO!  Holy canolli!  How could you possibly pass something like that up?!  Bell Diablo is a red (obviously), low pitched cowbell that is guaranteed to be the Best Cowbell Ever!  And by guaranteed, I mean there's a sticker stuck to the cowbell assuring me that it is.  What more could you want?  Wait, now that I think about it, there's a best cowbell ever sticker stuck to the black one next to it.  Apparently someone doesn't quite understand the serious nature of this whole "best...ever" statement.  But still, it's a sticker!  If it's on a sticker, it MUST be the truth!... Kind of like the internet.

So the way I see it, between my tambourine, Bell Diablo, and that Kinky and Or-G that I got from the liquor store, I am due for one SERIOUSLY ROCKING PARTY when I get home!  You are all invited.  Just tell MPH I sent you if you get there before I do.  He'll just love that.

How To Scare Off A Potential Sponsor

I feel compelled to issue a disclaimer early on in this post.  The Queen started her blog, dear readers and loyal subjects, simply as a way to further amuse herself.  I am not a professional blogger.  I have a job that pays my bills.  This is where I come to have a creative outlet and to pass on all the things that make me giggle.  If they amuse you and make you giggle too then all the better!  I don't, however, have any kind of agenda or plans to look for sponsors to support my blogging habit.  Let's face it.  It's cheaper than good cocaine so I figure it's just a wee vice as far as cost goes.  In fact it could be totally free, but I compulsively bought up just about any domain name that I thought might connect to here so that when I have millions and millions of readers, I would be able to protect those little bitty domains from domain vultures!  (I just made up that term... domain vultures... but I sort of like it so now I plan to use it in general conversation whether it fits into the conversation or not.  Just wait until I pop it on MPH!)  Anyway, this is all just something you need to keep in mind as I tell you what happened last week.

So there I was, minding my own business... actually now that I think about it, I was getting a pedicure so really I was at my favorite beauty shop which puts me all up in everyone else's business.  It's a general rule for beauty shops, I've noticed.  Anyway, I happened to check my email on my phone and found one that I absolutely NEVER expected.  It was an unsolicited offer to sponsor an ad on my blog!

The first ostrich says: "Oh my GAAAAAWD!  A Sponsor!"  (If you look closely, you can tell that this ostrich was obviously in the beauty shop with me.  Holy Canolli!  Check out those feathers!  Spectacular, I tell you.)

Yes, dear readers and loyal subjects, someone wanted to pay me to stick an ad for their CPA business right here.

The second ostrich says: "Wait, a CPA?  WTF?!!"

Now you may ask, as a few of my friends and I all did (not to mention the second ostrich), "What in the world would a CPA want to advertise HERE for?!"  As one friend so sweetly put it, "Your blog is pretty much the antithesis of the organization and logical reasoning that goes into the whole CPA business."  I did think about being offended at that point, but it was really hard to argue against it.  Instead I slapped a "Kick Me" sign onto his back when he wasn't paying attention and just went on with the conversation.  I mentioned to him, as well as MPH when he was shocked too.... really people, how shocking is it that I'm apparently popular?!... I really do this just for my own amusement.  The way I figured it, this was a golden opportunity to further that goal!  With that in mind, here is a copy of my return email (and some help making sense of the ostrich pictures):

Hi Madame X (not her real name, but it would be cooler if it were)!

Okay, I admit that you have me intrigued.  I haven't had a sponsor before.... very likely because my blog is way on off the deep end and weird as shit!  You umm.... have read it, right?!  If you have and you still want to sponsor me, then who am I to stand in the way of some sponsorship?!  Now then concerning payment.  My preference would be for payment to be made in live ostriches!  If you don't have a wild animal permit (if such a thing is required) I would consider bourbon slushies.... or maybe my body weight in cupcakes.  That would be yummy!

But really, if you're interested then I'm happy to talk to you about it.  Since I'm amused already, you'll certainly get a whole blog post about this and a great big shout out that way.  Just let me know what you're interested in and what you're thinking.  If I've scared you off already then this definitely isn't the blog for you.  If not... well great!  Let's play!!  I can always use more playmates!

The Queen!

This is the third ostrich just because I was on an ostrich kick.  He doesn't have anything to say, but you can see him staring off into the distance. I think he's watching my potential sponsor run away.

As I'm sure you can imagine, I managed to scare off my very first potential sponsor with the use of a single email.  Okay, so I also used the less typical forms of payment to frighten her, but it made ME laugh!  And let's face it.  If that frightened her, she'd probably have a heart attack over most of the rest of the things that go on around here.  I didn't even MENTION pterodactyl porn!  I figure I was sort of going easy on her.  I will say this, though.  If this blog is for my own amusement... mission accomplished!  Now then, where are the great random sponsors?!  I'm here!  Bring on the ostriches!

It's Random and I'm Lazy. So Sue Me!

It's that time of the week again, everybody!  Yes, it's the day that I get lazy because I've been packing for my very first blogger's conference and so I share with you all the funny things I've found during the week.  Oh and by found... I mean that I stole them from my friends who made the mistake of either sending them to me or posted them on Facebook.  As far as I can tell, that makes them seriously fair game.  Besides, they really did make me laugh so I'm sharing!  I am TOTALLY selfless here.  Now where did I leave my phone charger?.... I hate packing.  So here we go!

I reposted this for my friends Melanie (of wet pirates fame) and Tammie (The Butlette).  They're the ones usually following.  Of course I'm off to a conference full of bloggers so.... I bet I can find new followers!!!!

I posted this in a morning.  Enough said.

Now see?  It's not a drinking problem. It's because I rock!

Someone has apparently read too much Shades of Gray.  They should have spent more time with the dictionary.  I sit around and wait for people to figure out that they misspelled "aisle," which makes it even funnier... and true.

I hear it's catching.  That should make me extremely popular!!

This one is from The Butlette.  She has found the Queen's official wine brand!  Must buy some!

I don't even have a witty comment for this one. Some things just are.

This was my flash back to Asia and all the temples I toured.  It made me laugh... especially when the guy with the rake reminded me of Side Show Bob from The Simpsons!  That's my favorite episode!!!  The poor guy in charge is muttering "Inner Peace.  Inner Peace NOW!!!!" to himself, I'm certain.

Why?  Because even a drag queen recognizes the Queen and her "rack."  Yeah, I've still got it, and so do my friends!

I've been telling MPH for years that we needed a "wife."  I keep hearing the men I work with talk about what all theirs do. Sounds GREAT!  Where do I get one?

The Queen had to work on Saturday.  This is my homage to that event.  (Did you notice how I threw out the word homage?  I get extra credit for that, people.)

Because this was me on Saturday too!!!  (And I'm pretty sure there's a requirement for posting a funny cat picture with every post.)

Why?  Because I consider these things to be "educational."  You're welcome!

The scary thing is that I actually USE this scale!!!  I was so proud to see it!  Frighteningly, one of my former students within a professional program assured me that I taught her this same scale on her very first day training with me.  Yeah... frightening... but she turned out alright!

Now then... back to the packing.  Have a great day, people and smile once for me!

I Can Buy WHAT At The Liquor Store?!

As I sit here and watch the opening ceremonies of the 2012 Summer Olympics on television, I am having a nice Jack and diet coke.  I'm alone in the house tonight, something that happens so rarely that I can't remember the last time it did.  And in honor of that fact, I decided that The Queen deserved a drink!  The problem was that I'm out of Jack Daniels.  Honestly, people, that makes having a Jack and diet rather difficult.  What it ended up REALLY meaning though was that I had to go to the liquor store earlier tonight.  While I was there I became stunned at what I could buy!

So it's true that I live in the South, so a trip to the liquor store is one of those hurried events.  It's not like any of us admit that we drink alcohol. Oh no!  That would just never do!  SCANDALOUS!  No, we do kamikaze liquor runs. That's where you run into the store, keep your head down, grab your bottle of liquor and sprint to the check out!  You pay as quickly as you can then head out to the car where you slump down low in the seat and speed out of the parking lot so that you can then act like you were never there.  I'm not sure exactly WHY we do it that way... well why most people do it that way.  I, on the other hand, wander in, yell "Hi y'all!" and peruse the stock at a leisurely pace while calling anyone else who is unfortunate enough to walk in by name.  My neighbors hate me.  This particular trip to the liquor store paid off with a bonus!  Not only did I manage to mortally embarrass a number of people I knew while buying a bottle of Jack Daniels, but I also found out just what all you can buy in the liquor store!

All I have to say is that I did realize that alcohol tends to start all kinds of naughty type behavior, but I had no idea that you could actually walk in and buy yourself some kinky and an orgy!... Well okay.  It's Or-G.  Check it out!

Go ahead and admit it.  You all thought I was kidding!!!

You know what I find even MORE amusing?  Kinky is cheaper than Or-G even though both appear to be on sale.  I was half tempted to search the store for 50 Shades of Vodka or something to go along with these too.  Maybe you have to buy the Kinky to get the Or-G.  They WERE on the shelf next to each other.  I confess that I didn't purchase either one.  I figured that showing up with that combo on a night that MPH (My Poor Husband) wasn't even home was just asking for trouble when he showed back up.  Yeah, he puts up with enough from me. I figured he probably didn't deserve some kind of coronary too.  I'll wait and spring these on him later.... maybe I'll even warn him!  Wait... NAH!