Add It To The List

I don't know about the rest of you, but the Queen is (admittedly) a WEE bit scatterbrained.  And I mean wee in the largest possible way.  That whole ADHD thing I joke about... yeah, it can get pretty ugly.  My little mind goes wandering sometimes and even I'm surprised at the places it ends up... and the things that it picks up... I am a veritable font of useless information!  Here!  Let me tell you about some of it!... oh wait,  hold on. I'm on task. I swear I am.  Anyway, my point is that the way I try to compensate for this minor character quirk is to make lists.  I make lists of just about anything I can think of.  I surround myself with people who are more organized that I am and even THEY make lists for me!  But my point here is that I have a lot of lists of a lot of different things.  For instance, I have lists of:

Things my kids want for birthdays/Christmas
Things MPH (My Poor Husband) wants for birthdays/Christmas and those fantasy things he wants that he's just never going to get, but to make him happy, they're on the list
All of the 50 billion passwords I'm responsible for (now if I could just figure out what they go to...)
Things I need to do today at work
Things I need to do today at home
Things I was supposed to do last week but forgot because I lost the list in the rest of the mess on my desk
Places that I sometimes hide lists
Books I want to read

You know... the usual.  My newest addition doesn't fall under any of those lists, though.  It's another.  I should probably set the stage.

I've been trying out some of those really cool things that I've seen in the DIY section of Pinterest.  Last night I made a bottle of fairy dust!  Check it out!

Isn't it wonderful?!   Okay, it's a bottle of silver glitter, but it'll be fun at Halloween, and it still needs a "Fairy Dust" label so no one will think it's something like... a bottle of silver glitter.

Anyway, it was while I was making this that I learned a valuable lesson. In fact, it's a lesson SO valuable that I added it to my list, and I think you should add it to yours as well.  So here's my list with it's add on for today:

Things NOT to do naked:
Anything involving GLITTER!

I have to say this now.  Just... Holy Canolli, People!  Wow!  You think it's just a little glitter.  How big a deal can it be?  Well, let me just be the one to tell you.  If you're naked.... it can be a BIG deal!  Turns out glitter just gets everywhere, and it really sticks to skin.  It's worse than sand!  It's some kind of supernatural substance similar to a black hole... no wait, that's not right.  That would suck things in.  Okay fine.  It's a supernatural substance similar to some other substance that gets freaking EVERYWHERE!  I ended up looking like a crazed Twilight vampire before it was over!  I felt like I should go out, run faster than the eye could follow out in the woods then jump out at unsuspecting people or deer to yell "HA!!!" Oh yeah, that's what I'd do as a vampire.  Alright, I'd be a geeky and weird sort of vampire, which is why it's so bad that I look like one!

So you should probably consider this post as a public service announcement.  You know I'm only interested in the welfare of the public... and stuff.  I'm am here for you, my dear readers and loyal subjects.  Here... for you! So all I ask is that you keep this little tip in mind. When working with glitter, please remain fully clothed... in something like a Hazmat suit.  You'll thank me!  Now I'm off to make a bottle of GOLD fairy dust! Wheeee!

Open Letter To The AARP

Dear AARP,

I would appear that the Queen has somehow been placed on your email list... you know, that one that goes out to perspective members.  This seems to be in error.  If I recall correctly, the AARP stands for the American  Association of Retired Persons.  Interestingly, your website doesn't tell me what it stands for at all!  I can only assume that you're withholding this information as a result of attack by a pack of hormonal and possibly perimenopausal women to whom you have insultingly sent an invitation for membership.  Be that as it may, you may rest somewhat easier in the knowledge that at least the Queen is not yet perimenopausal.  Perhaps you should tie on your sneakers, however, because she very likely IS hormonal and prone to attack.

Now I will start out by saying that it was a very pleasant email you sent me.  And it even included a bribe!... something that's never a bad thing when emailing the Queen.  In fact, here's the email with lovely bribe you offered me...

Okay, now let's take a little peeky poo at this email, why don't we?  Hmmmm, let's see.  You start out by offering me more benefits!  And then there's even that really cool (okay, it's not really but I'm trying to build up your confidence here) insulated bag... very similar to about 10 others I already own but that you will give me for FREE!  Well done, AARP.  Unfortunately, that's about where you blow the whole thing.  I would like to point out to you that I am not... nor will I be in the near future.. "over 50." In fact, I've been receiving these emails for a few years now and just been deleting them, but I do have to wonder how and why you are emailing someone starting in their thirties with your information.  In fact, perhaps that's the real question I need to ask.

Now let's think here.  Just how would the AARP go about getting my email address as well as the idea that I am more than 10 years older than I am.  Hmmmm, let me think.  Well, the way most people get my email address is when I buy something online.  So let's try thinking of some things that I could have bought to warrant this erroneous email.  Let me think.... I haven't ordered any "Kiss me I'm over 50" buttons or "Honk if you love sexy women over 60" bumper stickers... I once bought birthday candles shaped like a 7 and 0 at the same time then put them on my mother's birthday cake... several years before she turned 70 but that seems like a stretch.  I haven't ordered any online birthday cards for my great grandchildren.  And I haven't yet become so demented that I've fallen for that email from the woman who's dying in England who wants to give me 10.8 million dollars to set up a fund to help orphans, widows, and the downtrodden (I swear the email actually used that word), though frankly I'm always tempted to respond to those just to yank someone's chain.  I've also checked my sent email box and at no point have I been sleep emailing (It's happened.  Don't judge me, people.) and sent out any requests for more information on Life Alert, walkers, Hover Rounds or how to order a year's supply of denture cream.  I don't eat dinner in restaurants at 4pm in order to get any kind of Early Bird Special, and I don't get up at 4am for the day because I've had plenty of sleep already.  I have three small children.  I wouldn't know "plenty of sleep" if it bit me!

Maybe it's not even what I did buy.  Maybe AARP has some kind of filter showing what I DON'T buy.  I tell you what.  I promise to go hit the Victoria's Secret website and buy thongs and racy lingerie.  I promise to go to Netflix and download lots of porn... pterodactyl porn to be precise.  I promise to buy myself a new skateboard.  I'll even join a skateboarding chat group and talk emphatically about thrashing or shredding or whatever the lingo is.  Will that help?  Will you figure I'm not over 50 if I do that?  Over 50 year olds don't do those things, do they?  I only ask because I wouldn't know.  I'M NOT OVER 50!

*biiiiiiiiig deep breath*

So in conclusion, AARP you're just kind of bringing me down.  I've noticed the years are passing quickly enough for me.  I just don't need you people pushing them along. Ya dig?  (I'm pretty sure that was seriously under 50 slang.)   In the meantime, I'd be happy for you to send me that cool little tote bag.  I'm sure I'll use it on some kind of car trip with my kids.  Could you possibly embroider a zombie kitty on it for me too?  I'm big into those right now.  Okies? That'd be awesome. THX!

They're Coming! They're Coming!

The Queen has done something that has rarely been accomplished before, dear readers and loyal subjects.  It was an auspicious night.  The stars lined up.  The Gods smiled upon her... including the God of the Great Parking Spot who normally just ignores her and relegates her to the back of the parking lot.  Everything went well!!!  The Queen has prepared a complete dinner for her family... that they all ATE... and that was prepared WITHOUT ANYTHING BURNING!  There was no smoke! There was no fire!  Everything was edible and served without her usual seasoning of fire extinguisher foam!  It has finally happened.  And we all know what that means, don't we?  It's as it was predicted in Revelations (No, not the one in the Bible.  It was some weird book the Queen read in college... or maybe it was a comic.  Whatever!).  Obviously the world is ending and we will now experience the coming of the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!

Yes, people I am afraid that I can find no other explanation for the successful preparation of what was, indeed, a delicious dinner than that the world is ending.  Now, I admit that I can't officially confirm that the end will come via Zombie Apocalypse, but based on what I've been seeing on Pinterest... apparently everyone else can.  Now, while I'm certain a case could be made that my current obsession with zombie's may be directly related to the amount of time I've been spending with my new best friend, Pinterest, and that it may be that hour upon hour of staring at funny, pretty, amusing, helpful pictures may be making my eyes bug out a little bit and making me a bit more prone to suggestion than normal, I say "What's your point?"  Regardless of the reasons, I have found myself surrounded by zombie images, both funny and frighteningly serious.  I don't want to alarm the rest of you but some of these pinners have an actual zombie apocalypse family emergency plan!  I have found a list of the first 100 things to likely become scarce and unavailable immediately after the outbreak of said zombie apocalypse.  The people who compiled it encouraged me to have at least two of everything on the list... whether I felt like I needed or would use them or not!  (Secretly I believe these people own stock in the listed products, but who am I to judge?)

Now I'm certain that you will notice that today's post on the zombie apocalypse is accompanied by helpful images featuring zombie kitties.  I did that on purpose, people.  You're welcome!  Now see?  I am providing you with warm fuzzy images to go along with your zombie outbreak planning.  I didn't want to just throw all of this alarming news at you without some kind of padding or shield, if you will.  So voila!  I am using kitties!  Because everyone likes kitties, even zombie kitties!!!  Truly, these are the best sorts of zombies to have.  Their body parts and fur fall off but still, who can resist that face?!  Doesn't it just make you go "Zombies?  Aaaaaaaaw!"  I know it does it for me.  In fact, I am headed out right now to find not one but TWO new kitties that I can bring home and give zombie inspired names... like maybe Rot or Nom or Kim Kardashian.  Kitties weren't on that scarcity list, but I'm pretty sure I should have two of them anyway.  Besides, I'm more likely to have two of those than two portable toilets, which WERE on the list.  Where in the WORLD would I keep those?!

Now then, I am certain that you will all accept this particular post as the public service announcement from the Queen that it was intended to be.  And in that light I have a few more words of wisdom for you.  In the event that a zombie attacks you, do NOT try to set it on fire!  There is only one thing worse than a zombie attack, and that's a FLAMING zombie attack.  And on that note, I leave you, dear readers and loyal subjects.  I have to go find two generators, the plans for some homemade water purifiers, a big ass shot gun, some ammo, and a zombie disguise.  I'll be in my closet if you need me.

The Weekly Random Wrap-Up - Pinterest Edition

It's that time of the week again, dear readers and loyal subjects. And of course by "week" I mean "random period of time that I make up usually when I'm feeling lazy or I've found too many funny pictures and I really just can't stand not sharing them with all of you again."  Yes, it's time for the Weekly Random Wrap-up, only this time I have a new theme!  It's the Pinterest Edition!!!  (*cue cheering and screams of excitement*)  Why, you ask?  Because I wasn't kidding about it being like Queenly crack!  I've not been able to pry myself out of that place since I found it last week!  This is going to be a real problem, people!  I need an intervention!!!!

Okay, taking a big, cleansing breath aaaaaaaaand... I'm good again.  Anywho, here are some funnies that I found on Pinterest, including at least one that I don't think was meant to be funny but that I keep seeing and finding just hysterical.  So if you're ready and your seat belts are firmly buckled, here we go!

This person's sister is my new hero.  Of course so is this Loki guy!

This one is for all my friends who know how to skip and who own bats!  Oddly enough... I think this is ALL my friends!  Gee, go figure.

Tina Fey... font of wisdom, people!  And you know what?  She's right!  We do!....errrr, I mean THEY do... yeah.

Okay, for those of you who are unfortunate enough to live near me, you have been warned!  There is just no WAY I can possibly NOT do this now!  The trick is going to be finding one of these miniature dinosaur lizard thingies.... And just for the record, if any of you out there know that there is some kind of bad porno with this lizard thingie as it's theme, please do NOT let me know!  I'm still not over the pterodactyl porn!  (If you're new to this blog and that statement made no sense, feel free to click here or here or  here for the background posts.  And yes, I've written about pterodactyl porn multiple times.  Don't judge me, people!!!  It's weird and once you start, it's hard to stop.)

Okay, this is the picture that isn't supposed to be funny, but it IS!  You see, this is the picture for a post on how to clean furry, stuffed animals.  Only that's just not what I think of every time I see it.  For all the world, it looks to me like Elmo had a particularly bad night, drank WAY too many shots, probably took some purple furry female monster home with him and now is paying the price in the morning!  Does he not look like he's yacking up his guts there and some nice puppeteer is holding a cold cloth to the back of his neck while telling him that the female monster doesn't look at all like Oscar the Grouch even though he realizes she does this morning?  Or... is it just me?  I'm just sayin'!

And here we have the winner for best job EVER!  I'd quit my day job for this!  (Everybody say "Sorry, Cherie!" to my boss.)  Yup, I could interview these guys aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall day and then still have some questions left over for... you know... after hours!

This guy is another of my new heros.  He's not as cool at that other texter's sister but he's alright!

And now, dear readers and loyal subjects, it's time for the Queen to get some sleep.  Why, you ask?  (Well you should have asked if you didn't because I sort of need you to ask to lead into our last funny.  Have you asked now?  Great.  Thank you.)  It's because...

And on that note.  Nighty night, y'all!

Do These Kids Make Me Look Fat?

The Queen went back to school this weekend, dear readers and loyal subjects.  Okay, not exactly back to school but sort of back to school which kind of counts in the whole hand grenades and horseshoes scheme of things... which I'm willing to run with, of course.  What I actually did was go back to my college alma mater!  The whole family was out of town for something MPH (My Poor Husband) had to do, so I took the opportunity to visit and tell my daughters about all the great times I'd had.  (Yes, I was telling them how awesome it was to try to convince them that they needed to go there too.  I'm not above that!)  I took pictures of them in front of the administrative building and everything.  It was UBER cute!  They're so ready!

OMG Aren't they precious?!  Can't you just see them getting ready to head off to college?!

Okay, taking a moment after that thought to sniffle and get less teary then moving on!  Anyway, we had a huge time at the college, but I wasn't willing to let it go at that.  I also contacted my favorite professor, who I've remained closed friends with during the intervening years... you know, like 4 or 5 years... and by 4 or 5 years, of course I mean 20+ but let's not get picky here, people!  So I called up Dr. A and he and his wife met us for a long lunch, just me and the girls.

It was during this lunch that I made a completely unexpected discovery.  It is impossible to look cool and professional and totally well put together.... if you bring your kids along!  Dr. and Mrs. A have known me since college and even know MPH.  They were at our wedding!  But because I'm usually alone when I come into town and visit them, they've just never met my daughters.  This is one of those times that you give the talk to the kids about being on their best behavior and how important it is and how if they embarrass you you will cut them, but you know they never really listen.  This time was no different.

So there I was.  I thought I'd planned it all out.  It wasn't a fancy lunch.  Nope, there was a playground involved!  I thought that would take care of it.  Let's just say... it didn't.  I showed off my offspring as any proud mother would then sent them off to play so I could then assure everyone involved that I'd lived up to my potential, had the perfect job, the perfect marriage, the perfect children and the perfect life.  Turns out it's a lot easier to fake being perfect if you don't bring those kids!  I really can't stress this enough.  Yes, bring the kids and you will say such things as:

Queen:  Yes, work is going incredibly well.  I'm a team leader now and enjoying the management experience...  AAAARRRRGGGGGH!!!  (That would be the scream that accompanied me turning to my right and realizing that my nine year old had her face mushed completely up against the glass immediately beside me.  You just can't prepare for things like that, people!)

Or this:

Queen:  I'm so proud of the girls.  They're doing so well in school.  They've really worked hard and...

Youngest child:  Mom, there's gum in my hair!

Queen:  How did you get gum in your hair?!

Youngest child (in the most intelligent way possible, I assure you):  I dunno!

And then there's this:  

Queen: Yes, we're hoping to finally take them on a trip with us to Germany next year.  It will be their first international trip.

Middle Child who came out of nowhere!:  BLURB!!!!  (That would be her sneaking up on me and blowing a raspberry on my cheek.)

Yeah, I'm cool!  I'm a professional!  I am all that!  And yet.... these kids reduce me to someone who has absolutely no control over anything in her life.  The funny thing was that Dr. and Mrs. A were thrilled to see it.  Those girls might have been all over the place but they were laughing and having fun and obviously figured that I was willing to do the same, even if I was trying desperately to talk to someone else.  It's nice to find those who appreciate you and are happy for you even when things obviously aren't perfect.  They're the ones who realize that happy is a lot more important than perfection.  Yup, I even let myself exhale a couple of times.  It's also hard to hold in that tummy for 2 hours!

That's cool.  I still plan for this to be me in the years to come:

PS.  As a follow up, I actually did one of the crafty/birthday party ideas that I'd pinned in Pinterest!  Holy canolli, people!  Look at the Queen get useful!  Just don't get used to it.

Holy Time Drain, Batman!

It was bound to happen.  We all knew it would. There was really no stopping it.  Truly it was just a matter of how long it could be put off.  The answer, it seems, was "until today."  But all that stalling came to an end today.  I finally did it.  I went over to the dark side.  I can hardly be blamed!  I heard they had cookies!  And it turns out... they do!  They have cookies, and glitter, and cupcakes, and funny pictures, and DIY projects that made me drool!  And even better, they have a whole section for GEEKS!  Holy canolli, people!  I had no idea how wonderful and disastrous this was going to be!  I'd turn back but it's too late!  I can just go ahead and give up my free time because...

I have found Pinterest!!!!!

Dear Lord!  Have you people been over there?!  It's like Mecca for those with ADHD!  There's just no END to what all they have!  I started to join it once, but I admit that I wasn't able to figure out what the draw really was.  HOW?!  How could I have been so BLIND?!

Face it?!  How can this place NOT be for me!  It's distraction central!

Look! They have funny stuff there too!  This is so me!  Someone was just WAITING for me to show up and snag it!  I know they were!  So I pinned it to my first board... The Queen's Funnies.  How appropriate is that, huh?!  But wait! That's not all!

They have art!  They have food and drink!  They have nature!  They have a whole section on just TATTOOS!  I just know they want to hear my prison tattoo story!  I can tell they do!  You can click here if you need reminding too.  But even better, they have this do-it-yourself section and it's like crack as far as I'm concerned!  

Now DIY projects generally aren't my style.  You see, I'm really good at getting the books on how to do them and getting the supplies to do them.  Then I'm really good at getting all this stuff out and together.  What I'm NOT good at is actually DOING these projects.  I figure it's a lot like how I collect cookbooks but can't cook.  Still, it's like an addiction.  So today I landed in like a rabbit hole of DIY crafts and I want to do them all!  And by do them all, I mean that I want to make a huge mess out of the supplies needed to do them all and then hope the projects basically put themselves together by osmosis or something.  That seems reasonable, no?

You see it's not that I can help myself.  So far I've learned that I can basically bejewel a pumpkin for Halloween.  I can glue jars to candle sticks and fill them with candy to create a centerpiece.  I can turn an empty Jack Daniels bottle into a soap dispenser (Okay, this one is TOTALLY going to happen at my house!).  I can store glitter in antique salt shakers.  I can learn to crochet a stuffed Totoro!  Holy crap! Someone stop me!!!!  It's all too much!!!  I finally gave in and made a board for this too.  I aptly named it "Shit I Wish I Could Do But We All Know I Can't."

I told you so.  How can this NOT be a good idea?!

My only regret at this point is that I realize that I'm too weak to stop.  I can admit that I have a problem (after only a few hours... kind of impressive, isn't it?!), but I'm not ready to stop.  I just started!  I can stop anytime I want to!  Maybe I'll stop next week!  What's the harm really?!  Wait!  No!  Don't cut off the internet!!!!  Noooooooooooooooooooo...

Okay, I'm kidding. I'm off to pin some shit.  Later, people!

Handcuffs and How To Use Them

Dear readers and loyal subjects, I read an article online today (yes, that really is the only place I get my news) that said that Joan Rivers handcuffed herself to a shopping cart in Costco because they refused to carry her new book.  The funny thing is not necessarily that she did this, but that I actually stopped and thought about that idea for a while.  Handcuffed to a shopping cart.... She does know those things roll and are portable and stuff....right?!  I mean, couldn't they just roll the cart she's cuffed to out of the store and be done with her?  It hardly seems like a protest worthy object of cuffing... or even really an important enough object to be worth cuffing.  Well the more I thought about it the more I realized that people in general apparently need more information about handcuffs and how to use them because Joan... Handcuffs:

(Huge thank you to our Web Mistress of All Things Good who made this for me when I bothered her and whined that I couldn't figure out how to do it.  Whining... it works.)

Now, because I realize there are more people out there than Joan who don't know the appropriate use of handcuffs, even in protest situations, I have decided to donate my time to the cause and help out.  You're welcome, people.  So get ready because here we go!

\

This is me handcuffed to something important!  This is my industrial espresso machine!  See?  It's true.  It takes a LOT of caffeine to put out this sort of literature, people.  The point here is that if you're going to handcuff yourself to something, it should be IMPORTANT!  My espresso.... important.  A shopping cart.... yeah, that's just weird.  Someone get Joan with the program.  

I will also take a moment to point out that yes, my handcuffs are leopard print.  There's a reason for that.  It's because it doesn't matter what kind of point you're making or what you're doing, there's just NO excuse for not being fashion conscious.  I know you want a pair too.

This one is me handcuffed to my liquor cabinet... also important.  I've just noticed that it's a little blurry. I'm not sure if that's because I took it myself or if it's because I took a wee sip off the Jack Daniels in there.  Who knows?!  Still, this is the sort of place where handcuffing is acceptable.... and in bars too.  Frankly, I'm shocked that they don't hand out handcuffs in bars.  It would be fun... kind of like handcuffed twister!

Now here is another great idea!  Handcuff yourself to your purse!  Not only do you reduce the risk of leaving it somewhere... like you're more likely to do after spending some time cuffed to your liquor cabinet, but you have the added advantage of leading people to believe that you possess either important state secrets or vast sums of cash!  Both are handy to have, I'm told.

Now here I am handcuffed to my Super Queen/ Super Mom bear.  Why?  Because she's totally cool and I love her!  It's always appropriate to be cuffed to those you love.  And speaking of which...

This is MPH (My Poor Husband).  Well, it's his arm.  He was a lot less amenable to being cuffed and having his picture taken than my Super Queen Bear was.  There was a lot of muttering about needing to ask before you cuffed people, but mostly I was ignoring him and trying to drag him into the frame for the shot.  Men!  You can cuff 'em up but you can't make 'em drink.... or something like that.  Frankly, I've lost my train of thought.

 And finally we have the ultimate coup!  In retaliation for his lack of cuffed enthusiasm, I handcuffed myself to the remote!  That'll teach him!

And with that, I'm back to my original point.  Cuffing oneself to a shopping cart is less than an effective form of protest, unless the shopping cart is filled with things that I would otherwise feel perfectly happy handcuffing myself to!  So the next time Joan Rivers... or you... or anyone else for that matter feels the need to handcuff themselves to something, please feel free to point them to the Queen's instructional manual on handcuffs and their appropriate use.  It's my own public service announcement.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go handcuff myself to a bottle of Jack and refuse to let it go for at least an hour.  That'll show them!