Monday, March 5, 2012

Prison Tattoos and Logical Reasoning

Okay, class.  Today we’re going to have a lesson in what I like to call Logical Reasoning.  You may all take out your pens and notebooks now, and we will commence.  Oh and there’s no added fee for this lecture.  You’re welcome.

Now then, as I mentioned yesterday, I got a new tattoo while I was up in Raleigh last year.  It’s one that I’d been thinking about, and it’s beautifully done, and I love it, but even I admit that the story around it is a little… well…funny.  And it wasn’t even really MY fault that it was funny!  I would like to begin with a little lesson for life.  You should probably write this down and we can number them as we go along. 

Lesson 1:  If you’ve just asked someone a seemingly innocuous question and they respond with the question “May I be frank with you?” THIS, dear readers and loyal subjects, should be cause for concern!  If the person saying this happens to be holding a needle filled with ink and is in the process of tattooing something upon your person… even more so.  If they’re inking someone else, however, just brace for a hell of a story and egg them on!  Them’s the rules, people.  I don’t make ‘em.  I just number ‘em. 

Oh and now that I think about it…
Lesson 2:  Never offer to cross dress for anyone on the first date… EVER.  And yes, before you ask, that DID happen to me.  And I can assure you, the Queen does NOT share her clothes!  To be fair, he was wearing a dress when I met him, but it was Halloween!  I thought it was a costume!  But again, different story.

Anyway, so there I was in Raleigh with a whole day to fill and not that much shopping that I wanted to do.  I know, bit of a shock there, but there it is.  So I started looking for ways to fill my time.  To my credit, I did try to call a few friends who were all unable to come out IMMEDIATELY to entertain me as they really should have done.  So I really blame them.  But such was the case, so I decided to go get that tattoo I’d been thinking about.  MPH says he should really keep better tabs on me when I decide to wander out alone, but so far I’ve managed to always ditch the low-jack he keeps putting in my purse.  This was one of those times.  I looked around the area for a reputable tattoo parlor and ended up selecting one based on its proximity to my location as shown on my iphone maps app.  Incidently, don’t do as I do, people.  Do as I say.  It’s much safer.  I did, however, find a great shop and managed to get the owner to create the tattoo I wanted and fit me in.

My beautiful new tattoo is on my inner right wrist.  And let me just say, the closer to your wrist you go… the more that sucker hurts!!  It was under these conditions that I decided to make small talk.  Screaming in pain just seemed rude to me.  Granted, some of my words might have been high pitched and clipped, but I did manage to squeak out “So… how did you get started doing this?”  And now, I would like to reference life lesson #1.  The words “May I be frank with you?” did sort of get my attention.  And honestly, I was looking to be distracted.  And distracted, I was!  My curiosity wouldn’t let me say anything at all other than “Of course!”  And here’s about how it went:

Guy with the needle:  May I be frank with you? (Told ya so.)
Queen: Of course (ditto)
Guy with the needle:  About 10 years ago I blew up a bank. (perfectly calm tone of voice here, people.  It was impressive!)
Queen:  (long pause) Excuse me?
Guy with the needle:  About 10 years ago I blew up a bank.  (He was nothing if not consistent.)
Queen: Oooookay.
Guy with the needle:  So while I was doing my time, I really started working on my art.

He then proceeded to tell me about putting drawings up on his website while he was in prison and having someone offer him a job when he got out if he was willing to clean up his life.  Apparently he was, and the man did do beautiful work, and he’d worked a lot of places and now owned the place I’d found.  I’d just like to point out one other fact that I found interesting.  This guy had a website while in prison!  And apparently it got a lot of hits for him to have gotten a job out of it!  As a new blogger… he’s now my hero.  But I digress.

So now comes the logical reasoning part of our lesson, kiddos.  You see, my tattoo artist had done hard time, and he told me about this during my tattoo session.  Now follow me here.  This means that I had just received a kick-ass PRISON TATTOO!  This means serious street cred!  I just had to tell my posse!  (That’s you people, and now I have.  I hope you’re all suitably impressed.)  Oh and if anyone tries to tell you that this isn’t real logic?  Just tell them it’s the Queen’s logic and therefore trumps anything else they can come up with.  By the way, you all have some streed cred now too because you’re with me… and that’s how we roll!

Addendum:  I have had it pointed out that it does seem a bit strange that I didn't post a picture.  To my credit, I don't think I'd figured out HOW to post a picture yet when I wrote this.  It's a learning curve here, people!  Don't judge me!  Ahem... but anyway, here it is for those who've asked. A picture of my scary as hell, edgy prison tattoo.  You're welcome.


  1. Claire, you are so completely right and I have been remiss! So here it is! I added it on for you! MWAH! You're welcome.


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