Tuesday, November 27, 2012

And That's Why I Hate Deer Season

First of all, I feel compelled to say that I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while.  Thank you to all of you who've emailed and encouraged me to write again.  I took a break and promise to explain the chaos that took over my life in the form of a tiny kitten and a puppy.  (Words of advice, do NOT adopt both a kitten and a puppy in the same week!  It's just a bad plan if you ever want to do anything else with your time. I'm just sayin'.)  Anyway, I'm back, and I have a HUGE list of things that you just HAVE to hear about that went on during my time away.  Today, however, you get to share in the joy of my lunchtime surprise.  You're welcome in advance.

Okay so today I actually took a break from work, walked to my kitchen and had lunch with MPH (My Poor Husband).  I'll take a moment to tell you now that MPH is a professional... as far as his profession goes.  He wears nice clothes to work and nice shoes and the people he works with prefer that he smell nice.  This fact becomes pertinent later in our story.  So does the fact that I work at home in my usual uniform of yoga pants, a sweatshirt and fuzzy socks.  Since I work in a room that usually contains just me and my new kitten, Selene, it's NOT as important that I smell nice.  But really, that's not the point of the story here... yet.  But it will be!

So anyway, there I was having lunch with MPH.  Actually I was finishing lunch with MPH when I saw a strange dog in my backyard.  Normally this wouldn't upset me but of course THIS strange dog was POOPING in my backyard!  My two dogs were uselessly napping in a sunbeam in the backyard while this was going on, and so I decided to take matters into my own hands.  Off I stormed into the backyard, spurring my furry little warriors into action, whooping and yelling as the puppy took off after what turned out to be three strange dogs (one of whom was of the white, small and yappy variety).  We were defending our territory!  We were fighting off the barbarians!  We were... well we were avoiding dog poop as I was doubled over laughing at my puppy and the white yappy dog as they proceeded to have a stand off.  But still this isn't the point!  The point is that when the whole scene was over and I'd made it to almost the back of my backyard, I turned to return to the house and suddenly saw it.  And MAN was I not prepared!

This is a horse head in a bed... it's from a movie (in case you've been living under a rock for some years and didn't know that).  There was no horse head in a bed in my backyard.... because I don't have a bed back there. That'd be silly.  And there wasn't a horse head at all.  There also wasn't all that blood or that old guy, now that I think about it.  Otherwise, it was a lot like this picture!

So there I stand.  I'm staring down at what amounts to a deer head, part of it's spinal column and its front legs all in a nice, neat little pile.  That was a new one, I'll assure you!  Deer don't usually drop their heads and front legs in my yard and then just forget to pick them up!  So I stared at it and then did what any self-respecting Queen would do.  I started screaming for MPH!

MPH managed to wander out in his nice clothes and took a look at my little discovery.  He did so then pointed out that he was dressed much too nicely to deal with this particular situation right then and also added that he was expected back at his office any minute.  Helpfully he reminded me that our three little girls would also be home from school soon so something should be done.  Then he stared at me.  And I was all "Whoa there buddy!  What do you expect ME to do?!"  Then I figured it out.  I'd CALL someone!  Surely there was someone to call for this sort of thing.  I was a freakin' genius!  They should pay me to deal with deer head crises.  I'm just sayin'.  So into the house I went and grabbed the phone.  I could do this.  I called Animal Control.  Turns out they don't handle this sort of thing. They sent me to  the Department of Highways or something like that.  They told me they'd come if someone had hit something with a car and it needed to be removed.  So I told them that a car had come by, decapitated a deer, skinned part of it and removed its front legs before knocking it all the way into my backyard.  They hung up on me.  People have no imagination anymore.  And apparently that was my last option!!!  That left only one other thing. So I braced myself for it.

I called Tammie, the Butlette, to help psych myself up for my obvious task.  Here's the conversation.
Queen:  I just found a deer head in my backyard.
Butlette:  Oh my God!  Was it dead?
Queen:  No.  It was a LIVE deer head!  It was spouting out prophesies!  OF COURSE IT WAS DEAD!
Yeah, sometimes you have to just wonder about our dear Butlette.  She promised me cupcakes if I got my task done though, so I forgive here these little mental episodes.  And then I went to dig a hole and bury my deer head.  But first I sent out an email to my team at work to let them know that I was away... for a reason that was weird even for me.  One responded and told me she thought that's why I had an au pair, which I thought was a clever idea.  Dear Hanna has handled some really odd requests here at our house in stride before, but this time she simply balked.  I was on my own.

There are a few things you should know now.  1.  There is a lot of hard packed clay fairly close to the surface in  my backyard and it's impossible to get a shovel through!  2.  My upper body workout for the day is DONE!  The hole wasn't terribly deep but I managed to bury the remains of the deer.  I even said some nice things about deer while I was doing it.  It only seemed right.  Then I covered the site with some bricks I found in the back of the yard.  There really is no end to the things that can apparently be found in my backyard if one only looks hard enough.  

So that was my day.  I found the remains of a recently hunted and butchered deer in my backyard and had to bury it before my kids could be traumatized by the sight.  Thank you, hunters!  I didn't like you hunting this close to my house before now and now I REALLY don't like you at all!  I was going to ask for an archery set for Christmas anyway.  Now I know what I'm using for target practice.  Here little hunters.... come this way!  

And THAT is why I hate deer season.  Geeze!


  1. All I have to say is that your "MPH" is VERY lucky...mine would have HAD to dispose of that thing himself or found someone else to. I personally would have left, picked up the kids from school, and gone shopping until it was gone.

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  3. You are better than me, I would have just dragged it to woods. Though that is really just as gross. Ah, I would have covered the deer with a tarp (if you have bricks lying around you must have a tarp somewhere) then I would have sent the kids to friends out with Hanna for ice cream and let MPH deal with it when he got home and changed into much less nice clothes.

    As for the hunters, I hope you're practicing with that bow!


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