Friday, December 7, 2012

Now There's WHAT In My Yard?!

*Immediate Disclaimer*  
***I was unable to find funny pictures to go along with today's post so.... I just stuck random funny shit in random spots because I wanted to.  I now return you to your regularly scheduled blog post.... with random funny shit.  You're welcome.***

(Told you so)

Okay, sometimes it might not be so great that all my friends and colleagues read my blog.  And no, no one blames me for anything I might be thinking in meetings.  But apparently someone thought of me when they read a typo in some kind of report the other day and this is the series of emails that then went flying around a group of my co-workers as a result of my recent back yard find.

Sandy:  It says this person doesn't have a head today!  Really? She's just walking around headless?

Maggie:  The head was probably dumped in Cindy's backyard with the deer carcass.

Queen:  Oh like THAT would shock me in the back yard?! No way, people! I am totally ready for ANYTHING back there now... Bring out your heads... or dead... or whatever.

(It was a Monty Python reference so this one sort of goes!  Work with me, people!)

Tammie (aka The Butlette):  I spit out my water on the screen!!!

Queen:  Happy I could help out your day... if only by short circuiting your computer when the water hit it.

Deb:  Me too! Made me holler out loud and the dogs barked at me when I woke them up.

Tammie (aka The Butlette): Follow-up to the blog segment.... I feel it!!!

And this, dear readers, leads me to the moral of this little post.  Actually, it's moralS.

(...and another random funny.)

1.  You get one deer head dumped in your backyard and there is simply no END to the deer head jokes, or general head jokes for that matter.

2.  Don't drink and read the Queen's emails.  It can be hazardous to computer equipment.

(Just because though it honestly would have gone better during the deer head post.)

3.  One of my colleagues uses the word "holler" and I just love it!

4.  Tammie is freaking psychic!!!  Note to self, think innocent thoughts.  Or I could just make my life easier and be sure she's included on any shenanigans.  Yeah, that seems to be the way to go.  I'm just sayin'.

(Okay this one just works because it's me and Tammie we're talking about here.)

5.  What's even funnier is that I asked each of my colleagues for permission before I put their names in here.  This was Sandy's response "I'm fine with being immortalized in print on the internet in association with anything that has to do with headless people."  Yup, the people I work with rock!

(This one is just.... yeah.  It's good to be reminded every now and then.)

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

What I'm REALLY Thinking

The Queen, dear readers and loyal subjects, works hard at her job.  I mean REALLY hard.  Okay, I mean sort of hard.  Frankly, it depends on the day.  But she is very lucky to be able to work at home.... where yoga pants, sweatshirts, no make up and funny colored fuzzy socks make up the work uniform.  (You should start singing "I'm sexy and I know it" about right here, by the way.  I know I am!)  One of the really big advantages of that, however, is the somewhat undervalued benefit of not having to keep a straight face when given bad news or when dealing with something that simply seems ridiculous during a teleconference.  This little perk is worth its weight in gold, I tell you!  And it's not that this happens often, but when it does.... well... let's just say that there are specific things that tend to cross the Queen's mind about that time... and she does NOT really have a good poker face.

This, people, is just truth!

So today I am going to tell you what the Queen is really thinking when dealing with things she'd simply rather  not... which is a shocking amount of the time, I must admit.  Because let's face it, the Queen is interested in eating bonbons and sipping wine all day.  That's the goal, right?!  Just because I've failed at being able to do that thus far and remain employed, doesn't mean all hope is dead!  Wait, does it?!  You know, I'll think about that some time later.  For now, I'm just going to share the list with you all.  You're welcome!

1.  This is why I keep a bottle of rum hidden under my desk.

(I know I said rum but wine works too.  I'm just sayin'.)

Okay fine!  Here's your rum picture to go with that one.

2.  Ouch!  I think I just gave myself a concussion while beating my head against the desk with my phone on mute.  Wow, I love that mute button!  Now if I could just make it work on other people...

(I don't have a mute button funny.  So I'm just sticking this line in here so you won't be totally disappointed.  I really work for you people, you know.)

3.  I'm pretty sure that "WHAT THE FUCK?!" isn't a particularly productive comment even if it's the only one I can think of right now.  Maybe I'll just sit here quietly and chew on my hair.

4.  HOLY CANNOLI!  How can one very small kitten make a smell THAT BAD?!  (I know this one seems odd, even for me, but my new kitten sits in my lap part of the day and she sometimes reminds me of that old Smelly Cat song from Friends....  The trouble is that I KNOW what I'm feeding her!  Kittens do have their downside.)

This cat, however, seems to have tapped into my thought process!

5.  Maybe if I stab myself in the eye or otherwise have some horrible, disfiguring accident... or SOUND like I'm having a horrible, disfiguring accident, I can just get off this call!  I know!  I can fake being attacked by a dinosaur! That always works!!!

...But that can change!

6.  I'm probably not on enough meds to effectively deal with this amount of stress.  Yeah, I'm definitely not.  Maybe I need a new stress outlet.
Totally the same thing!

And to be honest, I'm pretty sure that there are several  more things that run through my head, but right now I'm too tired from having to actually *sniff sniff* work *sniff sniff* that I can't think of them!  So I'm afraid I'm closing tonight with what I'm thinking about now.  It's been a rough day!

Elephant gets me!

Friday, November 30, 2012

There Was Full Disclosure

I'm certain that I've mentioned my dear Hanna, our au pair, before now.  Bless that girl's heart, she has survived living with the Queen and family for 6 months now and appears nearly none the worse for wear!  Now if you aren't familiar with the au pair concept, the US Department of State describes the program as follows:

Through the Au Pair program, participants and host families take part in a mutually rewarding, intercultural opportunity. Participants can continue their education while experiencing everyday life with an American family, and hosts receive reliable and responsible childcare from individuals who become part of the family.

Me, I just call it cheap child care!!!  (Just kidding, Department of State.  I would never say that....when you might be listening.)  But honestly, we've used au pairs to help take care of the little princesses here at home for 6 years now and have been blessed with some of the most incredible girls who have truly become additional family members here with all the rights, responsibilities and complete and total weirdness that comes therewith!  In fact, Marie still lives about an hour from here since she got married while she was here.  Mandy, Alina and Juli continue to come for regular visits "home."  And we keep hoping to see Laura on her next visit to the US.  So see?  This is like evidence that we can't be all that bad.... or that we've brainwashed them all over to our brand of that bad.  Whichever sounds nicest is what I'm opting for!  I also find that it helps if you make them say "The Queen is a joy to be with," multiple times daily.  It worked for MPH (My Poor Husband)!

Here are two of our au pairs with the princesses.  That's Hanna and Alina!

The one thing that none of them can say is that they weren't warned in advance.  You see, I interview all of our au pairs before selecting them.  And this is always an interesting process.  First and foremost, however, I feel compelled to explain to them the way things are around here.  It's easy, really.  I simply say, "We're weird!"  They usually try to laugh it off and I follow that up with, "No, really! We're like weird as shit!  I mean totally screwy, and you really have to be okay with that sort of thing. We won't kill you in your sleep with an ax or anything, but we might as if you're comfortable dangling from the roof wearing a harness and angel wings just because I think that'd be cool for when someone comes to sing Christmas carols or something.... not that I've asked that but suddenly it does sort of seem like a good idea."  About that time I usually get one or two reactions.  Hopefully they laugh in absolute delight at the obvious creative genius they now have the opportunity to come and live with!  Otherwise they tend to do that whole fake static noise, you know the one, "CHKKKKKK You're breaking up!....  CHKKKKK  I can't hear you....CHKKKK We should talk later!" and then they disconnect.  Really, it's all kind of silly especially since we do these interviews on video chat so I can see them the whole time.  Oh well.  Their loss!  But my point here is that these girls get full disclosure before they get here.  Which is why I'm always so proud of them when they just roll with the punches like they always do.  And Hanna has been a trooper!

The bad thing is that I don't usually even think about the fact that some of the things I say and do might be a little odd until sometime AFTER I've said and done them.  Actually, Hanna had to mention a few of them to me the other day before I said "I asked you to do that?  Hmmm, yeah, that might have come across as odd, I suppose... but I had a reason!!!"  The first one she mentioned was that episode when I decided to handcuff myself to different things just to show how it was done because I was upset that Joan Rivers had done it wrong!  (Go ahead and click on it to remind yourself.  You know you want to.)    Apparently she hadn't been here very long at all when I knocked on her bedroom door and asked her if she'd take pictures of me handcuffed to various things.  You see, I'd tried to do it myself but it just wasn't working.  That sweet girl didn't even blink when I whipped out a pair of cuffs and pulled her along with me to figure out what all to cuff myself too!

See?  That's me cuffed to MPH.  I don't think I bothered to tell him what I was doing before I did it and tried to drag him in for a picture.  Poooooooor MPH.

And recently there was the episode when I admitted to her that I'd asked her to do some weird things since she'd been here.  She was a dear and assured me that they'd all been okay.  That's when I said "Good!  Because this last request wasn't my idea at all, but could you possibly take this bag of cat poop to the vet's office? They want to check it for.... stuff."  And I held up the bag in question for her to see.  Frankly, I wasn't sure what they really wanted it for but I'd cleaned out the litter box and these were the results!  If I haven't mentioned it before now, Selene (my new kitten) has been fairly sick since I'd gotten her.  We're still working on it.  But Hanna only paused a  moment, took a deep breath, then took the bag and just said "Sure."  Maybe her English isn't good enough to figure out what all I'm babbling about and she finds it easier to just take whatever I had her and do whatever I gesture for her to do rather than even bother to try to really understand.  That might be a plus around my house!!!

Periodically I tell Hanna that I'm still trying to scare her off.  Fortunately, anyone who has willingly spent longer than 10 minutes in my presence tends to have a pretty good sense of humor so I have failed.  It wasn't until the whole episode with the deer head in the yard the other day that I finally found something that Hanna just wasn't willing to help me out with.  It appears that burying partial carcasses.... carcassi... whatever... in the back yard was that final line that should wouldn't cross... even for the Queen.  This fact I'm planning to remember in case I ever REALLY need someone to help me bury a carcass.  I'm just sayin'.  Looks like I'll just have to call everyone's favorite Butlette, Tammie, to help me with that one, or perhaps the Duchess Donna.  She's my sister.  She HAS to  help me bury the bodies!  It's somewhere in the sister rules I'm sure.

There really was a point to my post tonight, but I'm having a devil of a time remembering what the hell it was!  Oh wait, I remember now.  I am now officially on a mission to figure out what weirdness lies somewhere between delivering cat poop to the vet's office and burying a deer carcass on Hanna's "willing to do" list.  I figure I can spend just hours coming up with odd things to ask her to do before I find the exact limit.  This should be fun!!!  Any ideas?

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

And That's Why I Hate Deer Season

First of all, I feel compelled to say that I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while.  Thank you to all of you who've emailed and encouraged me to write again.  I took a break and promise to explain the chaos that took over my life in the form of a tiny kitten and a puppy.  (Words of advice, do NOT adopt both a kitten and a puppy in the same week!  It's just a bad plan if you ever want to do anything else with your time. I'm just sayin'.)  Anyway, I'm back, and I have a HUGE list of things that you just HAVE to hear about that went on during my time away.  Today, however, you get to share in the joy of my lunchtime surprise.  You're welcome in advance.

Okay so today I actually took a break from work, walked to my kitchen and had lunch with MPH (My Poor Husband).  I'll take a moment to tell you now that MPH is a professional... as far as his profession goes.  He wears nice clothes to work and nice shoes and the people he works with prefer that he smell nice.  This fact becomes pertinent later in our story.  So does the fact that I work at home in my usual uniform of yoga pants, a sweatshirt and fuzzy socks.  Since I work in a room that usually contains just me and my new kitten, Selene, it's NOT as important that I smell nice.  But really, that's not the point of the story here... yet.  But it will be!

So anyway, there I was having lunch with MPH.  Actually I was finishing lunch with MPH when I saw a strange dog in my backyard.  Normally this wouldn't upset me but of course THIS strange dog was POOPING in my backyard!  My two dogs were uselessly napping in a sunbeam in the backyard while this was going on, and so I decided to take matters into my own hands.  Off I stormed into the backyard, spurring my furry little warriors into action, whooping and yelling as the puppy took off after what turned out to be three strange dogs (one of whom was of the white, small and yappy variety).  We were defending our territory!  We were fighting off the barbarians!  We were... well we were avoiding dog poop as I was doubled over laughing at my puppy and the white yappy dog as they proceeded to have a stand off.  But still this isn't the point!  The point is that when the whole scene was over and I'd made it to almost the back of my backyard, I turned to return to the house and suddenly saw it.  And MAN was I not prepared!

This is a horse head in a bed... it's from a movie (in case you've been living under a rock for some years and didn't know that).  There was no horse head in a bed in my backyard.... because I don't have a bed back there. That'd be silly.  And there wasn't a horse head at all.  There also wasn't all that blood or that old guy, now that I think about it.  Otherwise, it was a lot like this picture!

So there I stand.  I'm staring down at what amounts to a deer head, part of it's spinal column and its front legs all in a nice, neat little pile.  That was a new one, I'll assure you!  Deer don't usually drop their heads and front legs in my yard and then just forget to pick them up!  So I stared at it and then did what any self-respecting Queen would do.  I started screaming for MPH!

MPH managed to wander out in his nice clothes and took a look at my little discovery.  He did so then pointed out that he was dressed much too nicely to deal with this particular situation right then and also added that he was expected back at his office any minute.  Helpfully he reminded me that our three little girls would also be home from school soon so something should be done.  Then he stared at me.  And I was all "Whoa there buddy!  What do you expect ME to do?!"  Then I figured it out.  I'd CALL someone!  Surely there was someone to call for this sort of thing.  I was a freakin' genius!  They should pay me to deal with deer head crises.  I'm just sayin'.  So into the house I went and grabbed the phone.  I could do this.  I called Animal Control.  Turns out they don't handle this sort of thing. They sent me to  the Department of Highways or something like that.  They told me they'd come if someone had hit something with a car and it needed to be removed.  So I told them that a car had come by, decapitated a deer, skinned part of it and removed its front legs before knocking it all the way into my backyard.  They hung up on me.  People have no imagination anymore.  And apparently that was my last option!!!  That left only one other thing. So I braced myself for it.

I called Tammie, the Butlette, to help psych myself up for my obvious task.  Here's the conversation.
Queen:  I just found a deer head in my backyard.
Butlette:  Oh my God!  Was it dead?
Queen:  No.  It was a LIVE deer head!  It was spouting out prophesies!  OF COURSE IT WAS DEAD!
Yeah, sometimes you have to just wonder about our dear Butlette.  She promised me cupcakes if I got my task done though, so I forgive here these little mental episodes.  And then I went to dig a hole and bury my deer head.  But first I sent out an email to my team at work to let them know that I was away... for a reason that was weird even for me.  One responded and told me she thought that's why I had an au pair, which I thought was a clever idea.  Dear Hanna has handled some really odd requests here at our house in stride before, but this time she simply balked.  I was on my own.

There are a few things you should know now.  1.  There is a lot of hard packed clay fairly close to the surface in  my backyard and it's impossible to get a shovel through!  2.  My upper body workout for the day is DONE!  The hole wasn't terribly deep but I managed to bury the remains of the deer.  I even said some nice things about deer while I was doing it.  It only seemed right.  Then I covered the site with some bricks I found in the back of the yard.  There really is no end to the things that can apparently be found in my backyard if one only looks hard enough.  

So that was my day.  I found the remains of a recently hunted and butchered deer in my backyard and had to bury it before my kids could be traumatized by the sight.  Thank you, hunters!  I didn't like you hunting this close to my house before now and now I REALLY don't like you at all!  I was going to ask for an archery set for Christmas anyway.  Now I know what I'm using for target practice.  Here little hunters.... come this way!  

And THAT is why I hate deer season.  Geeze!

Monday, October 1, 2012

Oh Just Have Some Of This...

I have to say that I was a good wife last night.  Yes, I know. Look quick and insert joke here.  However, I really was!  You see MPH was really tired and wanted to go to bed early and so I went with him.  Then I stayed awake a while listening to him snore.... I mean breathe heavily... but in my head I got this genius idea for a blog post!  It was brilliant and I had most of it written already. But I was sweet and didn't get up to write it all down. I stayed where I was.... being nice...okay, now that I think about it, he was asleep and I have no idea why I stayed in place because this morning, all that work was just... gone!  Yup, I forgot the topic and everything I intended to write down, but I swear to you that it was hysterical!  I've spent all day trying to remember something about it...anything!  But it's been one of those no luck situations.  And in honor of that fact (as well as the fact that I'm tired tonight and so I've got nothing) I'm going to give you some funnies that amused me and hopefully will amuse you too.  I promise I'll be genius tomorrow or something.  Try to forgive me.
It's hard to add anything to this.  Bacon.

This, however, was me today.  It's rough when you know you had a great idea only you're getting old and so you forgot it.

This one is for all my friends!  You know who you are!!!

Okay and this one. This one is for all my friends, too.  And most of my family, now that I think about it.  Perhaps it's hereditary.

I realize it's photoshopped but still... best photobomb EVER!  Can't you just hear it now?  "Helloooooo!"

This.... is fuckin' genius!!! I bow to the obvious Shakespearean master here.  Dude!  Let's do the Macarena next!!! I never knew what those words meant anyway!

All I have to say is BWAAHAHAHAHAAA!  Cat's got style!

Yes, I've gone back to Shakespeare... this is what plants in my presence usually look like.

And this one... just... yeah.  I blame the voices. They're persuasive too!

Now go and enjoy your day while I try to remember the best idea EVER!  And if I don't... I'll just have some more wine.  It's a win-win for everyone! 

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Home Alone.... Look Out!

The Queen is home.... alone.  I mean like really alone...totally alone... I'm half freaked out!  I don't know if I've mentioned this before.  I probably have, and I've just forgotten.  I'm going gray too.  It's awful.  I think dementia is just around the corner.... or maybe that's a bar.  I'm not completely sure.  Anyway, my point here is that I am alone in the house, and I am NEVER home alone!  You see, the part that I was trying to tell you that I might have mentioned before is that, while my house is large enough to accommodate it, we do have quite a few people living here.  It's me and MPH (My Poor Husband), as well as three little girls and our au pair, Hanna.  So if you count that up.... it's six.  Yes.  (I had to do it a few times to make sure because I've already broken out the wine.  I just know you understand.)  So anyway, MPH and the girls are down at the beach tonight, and Hanna is visiting a friend.  The Queen is at home because she has to work tomorrow, which she plans to whine about even though she thoroughly enjoyed her day off during the week on Tuesday.  That's sort of beside the point now, though.  It's really very much of a "what have you done for me LATELY" type situation when you have to work on the weekend.

However, back to my point.  I am at home alone, and that leads me to the good part of this post.... all the things that I can do purely because of that fact!  I've sort of been planning this all day.  I spent the day at the beach with the family and just got back home, but I've made a list.  Here are the things I plan to do. Ready?  (You can use this for the next time you're home alone too.  You're welcome.)

1.  Grab the rabbit and open up a bottle of wine.  Drink the entire bottle by myself because it will surely go bad if I don't.
***Disclaimer*** No, I don't mean THAT kind of rabbit!  It's a wine opener, ya pervs!  Not that I don't HAVE that type of rabbit, but I'm not getting it anywhere near my wine, for goodness sake!  Really. What ARE you people thinking?!

Yup, this is the bottle.  The sign was already here.  Go figure.

2.  Close the blinds, take off all my clothes, put on a stylish hat and then run laps around the entire interior of the house naked except for said hat just because I can!!!  Why the hat, you ask?  I just like hats.  Quit judging me!

(No, there is no picture here.  You're welcome for that too.)

3.  Practice my piano... loudly.... same song over and over again... until even I can't stand it anymore!

4.  Take a looooooooong hot bath that will NOT be interrupted by any one of three children wandering into the bathroom to ask me where something they've lost is (like I even know where the stuff I lost is), ask me to get out of the tub and play with them, ask me to make one of their sisters  play with them, or even just to ask me what I'm doing... the reply to which is always "Making Mom soup."

5.  Bedazzle a pumpkin.
No, I'm not kidding?  Don't you do this too?  Well I blame Pinterest.  It's made me delusional about just how crafty I really am.  I now seem to think that just because I've seen something on Pinterest that I can do it too.  So now, I'm going to bedazzle a pumpkin.  Here's what it's going to end up looking like (in my own mind, at least).

I mean really!  How hard can that be?  I have a box of sparklies and a hot glue gun.  Since I plan to do this naked too, someone send help if you don't hear from me after a while. I've probably hot glued myself to the floor.  This is me we're talking about... It could happen!

7.  Skip 6 and go right to 7 when I make a list.

8.  Turn up my music REALLY loud and jam out.  It's a dance like no one is watching and sing like no one else is in the house kind of night.  (I'll also be praying the neighbors have their windows closed.  I'd hate to have to explain to the police why I'm naked and screeching along to music that would sound better if I'd just be quiet.)

9.  Spend some time relaxing.  This one is something I've decided is important.  I've been much too high strung lately. Do you know how I know?  Well I'll tell you.  I know... there's a surprise.  I found this book in the bookstore today and thought about getting it.

Do you know why I didn't?  Because I looked at this relatively thick work book and thought to myself "Well shit!  Then I'll have to read this! When will I find the time?!  CRAP ON TOAST!  I can't find time to brush my own hair!  I'll have to do this instead of sleep!  Maybe I can keep it under my pillow and get it through osmosis!"  And that's when I began to have a panic attack, hid the book behind something innocuous like How to Kill Zombies When They're Coming To Eat Your Brains and ran! Okay, to be fair, it was probably hidden behind Ann of Green Gables but the Zombie book would have been more appropriate, don't you think?  Yes, I think so too. I'll have to write it since it doesn't actually exist but now I really feel like it should.  Not sure where I'll find time to do that.... oh wait, another panic attack.

10.  Have a panic attack.

11.  Cure the panic attack by putting on my favorite one piece, footed, fleece PJ's, curling up under the covers and drinking a second bottle of wine.  

No, I'm not kidding about the favorite PJ's but I look sexy as hell in them... at least as sexy as a woman can look in baby blue, fleece, footed PJ's with teddy bears on clouds all over them.  I'm pretty sure that's high on the sexy scale.  If it's not, don't tell me.  MPH humors me and assures me I look GREAT!

12.  Write a blog post about all the things I'm planning to do tonight then just skip over most of the list, pretend I did it, and spend the evening playing loud music and drinking wine.  That's where I'll be if anyone needs me.  Now where's my wine.

13.  Remember one last thing.  I found this today, and it is totally me.  Knew you'd all appreciate that fact, so here it is.

I swear this is going to be my new catch phrase.  Right after telling people randomly that I hate that fuckin' rabbit, I'm going to threaten to push them off my broom.  It'll be GREAT!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

The Tooth Fairy Is A Stripper

My youngest daughter lost a tooth tonight.  Okay, she didn't exactly LOSE it, but she did sit still long enough to let me pull it out.  That's quite the accomplishment for this kid!  You see the last time she lost a tooth, she refused to let anyone touch it.  It was literally hanging there in her mouth attached by what I'm pretty sure was some kind of natural bungee cord in one corner only.  Otherwise, it sort of flopped around in her mouth.  But far be it from her to let anyone pull it out!  Apparently she thought it would hurt.  She was so stubborn that she actually wiggled the tooth until it fell out in her hand, the fact of which she only accidently discovered when she couldn't figure out what was IN her hand.  I'm still shocked she didn't swallow it.  But this time, things were different!  She was brave!  She was ready!... She wanted that Tooth Fairy cash!

There she is... and there it isn't.

So about that whole Tooth Fairy thing.... My youngest daughter, Kitten is what we call her at home, is a driven sort of child.  She likes a lot of things a great deal, but she REALLY likes some cash!  Not sure where she gets that from.... it's probably MPH (My Poor Husband)'s fault.  Anyway, the child is really focused on how much money is coming.  She's been telling me since before it came out that she hoped the Tooth Fairy would leave her $10.  I have been telling her just as long that I don't think the Tooth Fairy leaves that much!  But is she discouraged?  Nooooooooooo!  She told me again tonight and informed me that since I wasn't the Tooth Fairy, I didn't know.  Besides, apparently MAYBE she'll bring that much is good enough.

Well I don't know how it is at your house, but at mine, the Tooth Fairy does bring $10 for the first tooth.  Now that I think about it, my oldest got $20, but to be fair, she had her first 3 teeth pulled all at once by the dentist because there just wasn't room in her little mouth for teeth to come in.  I figure that's worth $20. She was a trooper.  Subsequent teeth, however, go for around $5.  This is what I kept telling Kitten.  There was only one problem.  The Tooth Fairy at my house only had a ten dollar bill!  Hmmmm, do we break the rule or find change.... yeah, we find change.  Otherwise a broken rule pretty much has to stay broken with my kids.  They have the memory of elephants.... when cash is involved.  So off I go to try to find some fives.

Now since MPH isn't home, and obviously I don't have anything but a ten, I go looking for Hanna, our au pair.  I quickly swear her in as a deputy Tooth Fairy (this sort of thing is important,  you know), and explain the rules of the game.  Her job is to keep to the Tooth Fairy code... and by keep to the Tooth Fairy code, of course I mean find me some change.  And we were in luck!  Hanna was able to fulfill her responsibilities as a deputy Tooth Fairy beautifully.... sort of.  You see Hanna didn't have any fives.  What she did have was 11 or 12 ones!  As she's counting out ten of them to break my ten dollar bill, I watched her and finally asked, "What are you doing? Stripping on the side?!"  I've never seen someone break out so many ones like that at the drop of a hat.  I checked them carefully for oil, but apparently she's laundered them in some way.  Because of course Hanna assures me that yes, she's been stripping and I have discovered her secret.  I'm guessing she's doing it between when she finishes her college classes and when she picks up the girls from school.... which really can't be a great shift... I'm going to have to talk to this girl.  Or maybe she's doing it after I go to bed!.... on the roof or something.  Who knows?!

Can't you just see her....errrrr..... him working that pole now?!  Okay, I think my eyes are bleeding.  That one may have just been too much even for me!

The point here is that the Tooth Fairy is going to be leaving lots of small bills tonight, and I'm betting I'm going to be on my hands and knees in the morning trying to locate them all after Kitten has slept on that pillow and scattered them all over the floor.  She's not the most stationary sleeper I've ever seen.  So I'm off to wait for Kitten to go to sleep so I can saunter on in in my 5 inch stilettos and leave her some ones!  Someone wish me luck.  I may end up in the floor early in those things!

Holy cannoli!  No sooner did I finish this post than I find this!
Apparently the Tooth Fairy IS a stripper!  I'll be darned.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

We Now Preempt This Blog...

I was going to write a post tonight.  I swear I was, but there was this emergency.  In fact, it was more of a crisis than an emergency.  So I am sorry to say that there is no post tonight…. well except for this thing I’m posting now…. which hardly counts… only it sort of does…. but you know what I mean.  Anyway, here’s what happened.

This blog has been preempted for a speech by the President of the United States. 

Wait, that’s not right.  Sorry.  My bad!

This blog has been preempted due to the release of Joss Whedon’s (who I still have not forgiven for the lack of any more Firefly episodes) The Avengers! 

Because Robert Downey Jr IS all that!

Yes, indeedy!  I picked up a copy of the Avengers, which I wasn’t able to see in the theaters because the only things I EVER see in the theaters are animated movies for kids.  It’s one of those unwritten rules of parenthood that really suck, if you ask me.  But that’s okay because it came out today and I was off from work and I found it and I picked it up and I totally plan to watch it!  MPH is thrilled, as you can imagine.  I did at least warn him, though.  He realizes it’s a “me” sort of night, but has agreed to watch with me.  I’ve been saving up some serious Oooooohs and Aaaaaaaahs and general cooing noises for anything Robert Downey, Jr either says or does.  (The Queen thinks he’s yummy!)  The fact that Chris Hemsworth is also available for eye candy purposes is truly just a bonus!  This thing was practically made for ME!

This is just a little Robert Downey Jr gift from me to... well it's to me.  But you people can look at it too!

Anywho, my point is that I’d write except that I’m planning to watch a movie tonight instead.  So here I sit waiting for my oldest two daughters to finish ballet class.  I have my laptop in my lap (appropriate for the whole “laptop” title) and I’m writing while a few other mothers stare at me and pass judgment because I appear to be spending my free time on me rather than discussing how awesome my kids are with the other mothers.  Okay, I made that part up. There’s no one in the waiting room but me.  I’m probably some kind of loser mom and the others are all out to dinner, laughing and talking and doing that whole passing judgment thing.  Or maybe I’m just paranoid now from the whole PS thing I’m suffering from.  (Click here to see yesterday’s post if you are unaware of the suffering caused by and dangers inherent in my new illness… PS.)  It’s really hard to tell. 

Loki with Thor's hammer and Cap's shield! - “I am Loki, of Asgard, and I am burdened with a glorious Props Department."
Just to let you know, I stole this shamelessly off Pinterest.  I'd feel bad but it's funny and funny should always be shared!

So now that I’ve told you all what’s going on, I will now shut down my computer and stare at the walls until either someone else shows up who wants to talk to me (and by wants to talk to me, I mean who will sit still while I babble at them about absolutely nothing in general) or the girls finish their half hour class.  Really, a half an hour is hardly enough time for me to even get some good conversation going.  I think I’ll lead with my personal opinions on pterodactyl porn. That’s always a good opener!  You should see people’s expressions!  Priceless…. less pleasing than Robert Downey, Jr., but still priceless.  You can’t have everything you want, you know.

One last one because how... HOW could you possibly resist this man?  I surely don't know!

Monday, September 24, 2012

Wound Tighter Than A Tick!

Okay, so the Queen can be a bit of a bear when she's feeling.... we'll just call it moody to start with.  Yeah, that sounds like a nice way of saying complete and total psycho bitch, don't you think?!  Not that I'd know.... complete and total psycho bitches NEVER know, but I've read it online... about me.  Scary, right?  Anyway, if the fact that the majority of my post on Friday night was dedicated to the fact that I really should have been drunk and just wasn't didn't kind of lead you in the direction of knowing that I really was creeping up on a giant case of the moody's, then I'm not sure much of anything would have given you the warning that was really needed here.  My poor family figured it out though... bless their hearts.

You know, when I started getting really upset over absolutely nothing... okay not nothing but little things... well now that I think about it, Friday REALLY annoyed me though probably a bit out of proportion to what it should have since I can't point to one thing that annoyed me.  I think it was an issue of everyone else breathing that annoyed me, but I'm not sure. Okay yeah, I really should have realized that something was wrong about that time.  It takes a lot to really upset me, you know, unless you happen to have been around this weekend.  Then it took inhaling.  But haven't we ALL had those days?  (Saying yes to me now would be a REALLY good idea.  I'm just sayin'.)  But I think I figured it out.  I have a bad case of PS!

And just what is PS, you ask?  Well I'm assuming you asked because I'd feel awfully silly if you decided that PS stands what it usually stands for which is Post Script because I definitely do NOT have a bad case of the Post Scripts unless you consider the fact that I keep swerving off topic to explain why I don't have what you potentially think I have as a Post Script, but if you do, yeah then I have some bad Post Scriptitis.  PS in this case, however, does NOT stand for Post Script.  Nope, instead it's the version of PMS that I get.

You see, for me PMS is different.  I still get the hormonal part but I don't get the M part.  This is thanks to that lovely IUD I have, which my gynecologist sold to me as "the cadillac of birth control," and it totally is!  If you can get past the part where you have it placed (which feels a lot like they take this small device and pass it through your cervix and up into your brainstem), then the whole thing really is fabulous!  (And no, I won't let them do that to me again without using elephant tranquilizers on me first.  Horse tranquilizers won't even cut it for this thing!)  The upside is that you get either very light or NO menstrual cycles.  I'm a BIG fan of NO menstraul cycles, which is what this thing does for me.  Well that and it keeps me from getting pregnant again, and I'm pretty sure that's a good thing.  The Queen loves her little princesses, but frankly, three may be the death of me.  Four would surely do me in!  But regardless, who could truly turn down the "cadillac of birth control?"  Not this girl!!!

So now that I don't get that whole M part of PMS, it can be a little tricky to figure out when I have it.  Oh and it also makes me paranoid that I'm pregnant ALL THE TIME!  In fact, I will periodically decide that I'm so moody that I MUST be pregnant.  I've spent a small fortune on pregnancy tests that all say they're negative but should probably just tell me in a very calm and potentially electronic voice "You are bat shit crazy again because you have PMS.  Relax and quit buying pregnancy tests."  It's a shame they don't sell that kind of pregnancy test because it would TOTALLY apply here.  So anyway, I'm stuck with the fact that I usually just get really cranky, go supernova crazy about something that really shouldn't bother any sane person (again I reference that whole breathing issue), and eventually figure out that my face is breaking out too and so this is likely the PS that I get.  

On the plus side, I always apologize once I figure out that it's really not them because it really is me.  When I went nuclear over my daughters deciding that they needed to practice their piano yesterday purely because I had sat down to practice for MY lesson, I waited until bed time but I did apologize.  I told them that Mommy was just wound a little too tight last night and that she loved them more than anything.  Ever the little pragmatist, my middle child told me it was alright and that she had figured I that I probably needed a nap.  I decided that sounded better than trying to explain the whole PMS business without the M.  So now if anyone needs me, I'm going to go take a nap... it's probably in everyone's best interest.  Besides, I think I'm out of Jack Daniels!

Friday, September 21, 2012

Yeah It's THAT Kind of Night

You know some days are just not good days.  Some weeks aren't either.  Honestly, my week hasn't been that bad but today was just HORRIBLE for some reason.  And it's not that I can really even put my finger on it.  It was just one thing right after another.  I hate those days.  And to be honest, it really takes a lot more than you'd think to knock the queen off her groove.  Though now that I think about it, maybe if I'd shoved someone out the window of a huge Aztec temple, I'd have felt better.  Maybe not, but maybe Disney had it right with The Emperor's New Groove.  Who can really say unless they've tried it?  Though with a shocking lack of Aztec temples here in the southern US, I'm betting it will be a while before I can personally test that theory.   Now that I think about it, if MPH is reading this, I'm betting I've just lost my chance to go to ANY Aztec temple.  He knows how I am.
Anyway, back to my point, which I did have... it's been one of THOSE days, lack of Aztec temples aside.  Honestly, there really should be something we can do about these days.  Mine was bad enough that when my boss called and asked how I was, I told her we should probably just skip that question entirely because I wasn't sure she really wanted the truth.  She let it go... apparently she'd already heard.  Ooops.  Anyway, she did ask if I had anything good planned for the weekend so I told her that I did.  MPH and the kids have gone on down to the beach and I basically have the evening to myself.  I went out to dinner with our au pairs (the current and a former), had some wine, and now I'm back writing with plans to curl up in bed with another glass of wine and some kind of smutty book as soon as I'm finished here.  And THAT, dear readers and loyal subjects, is how a day like today SHOULD be handled!  Bring on the wine and men!!!  The fact that some random man tried to pick me up on the sidewalk on my way to dinner should probably be a pick-me-up of sorts, but frankly the day was just too bad for me to even be patient with the poor guy.  And really, he had no chance!  Anyway, here are a few things that seem to have summed up my day and my attitude tonight... plus a few that just made me smile.

The way I see it, my day didn't kill me.  Pass the Jack Daniels.

This is because Captain Jack Sparrow is a freakin' GENIUS!!!  Why IS the rum gone?!!!  This day would have gone a lot smoother if I'd just started drinking with breakfast.

Let's just go ahead and agree to substitue rum for vodka in the above statement.  I'm not a big vodka drinker. It makes my tongue turn green.  I've always blamed the vodka for that, but maybe it's really my tongue's fault.  Who really knows, and with a bit more rum... who really cares?!

And for the morning after days like today we have... wine flu.  I think I might have had a slight case of this before... briefly....and wanted to die.  Just a thought.

Now then, in the absence of any alcohol.... or when MPH is staring at you during the work day with some kind of "you shouldn't drink while you're working" attitude, there's always this outlet.  I made a sign too.  It referenced alcohol and fire arms.  I'll just keep it to myself.  You're welcome.

And by the end of the day, we had this.  The bad thing was that people were still calling me and EXPECTING me to care.... so I faked it... and pretended to stab myself when MPH checked on me....then giggled to myself afterwards... and had a drink.  Anyone sensing a theme here?!  

Then I did this impression because it made me smile... only I didn't say RAWR.  I said NYAR!!!  I said it because that's what my youngest child always says and it's both cute and scary... a lot like me.... and my youngest child.  She once started saying it to me while she was in bed and didn't want me to turn out the light and leave.  She said "NYAR NYAR NYAR!" then announced "I will say NYAR to you unless you stay!"  I told her she'd be saying NYAR for a while then, and so she did.

Small child: NYAR NYAR NYAR!
Queen:  Do you want me to have Daddy come kiss you good night?
Small child: NYAR NYAR NYAR  Yes, tell him to kiss me.  NYAR NYAR NYAR!
Queen: Will do!
Then I kissed her on the nose and went to get MPH.  As I walked down the hall I heard from her dark room, "nyar nyar nyar near"
I wonder where she gets it from!  Wait, just don't answer that.

And I thought I'd add this in because the one thing that makes a few glasses of wine and a smutty book even better.... is a few glasses of wine, a smutty book and FIREMEN!!!  I do so love firemen...

MPH periodically says something like this about the time I've had some wine and have started talking about firemen, so I figured I'd go ahead and just toss it in here. It's kind of like a gift, really.  Maybe now he'll give me a Fireman for Christmas!... or maybe not.  It's a good thing  MPH is cute.

And for my last trick, I would like to address all the political ads, discussions, arguments, disagreements, fact checking and general bullshit.  Here's what the Queen is putting out there this year. This is my official endorsement for president.  Ready?  Good because here it is!

I went ahead and threw my support to Dr. Horrible because no one from Firefly was running.  But as far as all the Facebook politics that always get thrown around during elections, I have one more thing to add.

Everyone chillax and have a pancake... NYAR!