Monday, July 30, 2012

How To Scare Off A Potential Sponsor

I feel compelled to issue a disclaimer early on in this post.  The Queen started her blog, dear readers and loyal subjects, simply as a way to further amuse herself.  I am not a professional blogger.  I have a job that pays my bills.  This is where I come to have a creative outlet and to pass on all the things that make me giggle.  If they amuse you and make you giggle too then all the better!  I don't, however, have any kind of agenda or plans to look for sponsors to support my blogging habit.  Let's face it.  It's cheaper than good cocaine so I figure it's just a wee vice as far as cost goes.  In fact it could be totally free, but I compulsively bought up just about any domain name that I thought might connect to here so that when I have millions and millions of readers, I would be able to protect those little bitty domains from domain vultures!  (I just made up that term... domain vultures... but I sort of like it so now I plan to use it in general conversation whether it fits into the conversation or not.  Just wait until I pop it on MPH!)  Anyway, this is all just something you need to keep in mind as I tell you what happened last week.

So there I was, minding my own business... actually now that I think about it, I was getting a pedicure so really I was at my favorite beauty shop which puts me all up in everyone else's business.  It's a general rule for beauty shops, I've noticed.  Anyway, I happened to check my email on my phone and found one that I absolutely NEVER expected.  It was an unsolicited offer to sponsor an ad on my blog!

The first ostrich says: "Oh my GAAAAAWD!  A Sponsor!"  (If you look closely, you can tell that this ostrich was obviously in the beauty shop with me.  Holy Canolli!  Check out those feathers!  Spectacular, I tell you.)

Yes, dear readers and loyal subjects, someone wanted to pay me to stick an ad for their CPA business right here.

The second ostrich says: "Wait, a CPA?  WTF?!!"

Now you may ask, as a few of my friends and I all did (not to mention the second ostrich), "What in the world would a CPA want to advertise HERE for?!"  As one friend so sweetly put it, "Your blog is pretty much the antithesis of the organization and logical reasoning that goes into the whole CPA business."  I did think about being offended at that point, but it was really hard to argue against it.  Instead I slapped a "Kick Me" sign onto his back when he wasn't paying attention and just went on with the conversation.  I mentioned to him, as well as MPH when he was shocked too.... really people, how shocking is it that I'm apparently popular?!... I really do this just for my own amusement.  The way I figured it, this was a golden opportunity to further that goal!  With that in mind, here is a copy of my return email (and some help making sense of the ostrich pictures):

Hi Madame X (not her real name, but it would be cooler if it were)!

Okay, I admit that you have me intrigued.  I haven't had a sponsor before.... very likely because my blog is way on off the deep end and weird as shit!  You umm.... have read it, right?!  If you have and you still want to sponsor me, then who am I to stand in the way of some sponsorship?!  Now then concerning payment.  My preference would be for payment to be made in live ostriches!  If you don't have a wild animal permit (if such a thing is required) I would consider bourbon slushies.... or maybe my body weight in cupcakes.  That would be yummy!

But really, if you're interested then I'm happy to talk to you about it.  Since I'm amused already, you'll certainly get a whole blog post about this and a great big shout out that way.  Just let me know what you're interested in and what you're thinking.  If I've scared you off already then this definitely isn't the blog for you.  If not... well great!  Let's play!!  I can always use more playmates!

The Queen!

This is the third ostrich just because I was on an ostrich kick.  He doesn't have anything to say, but you can see him staring off into the distance. I think he's watching my potential sponsor run away.

As I'm sure you can imagine, I managed to scare off my very first potential sponsor with the use of a single email.  Okay, so I also used the less typical forms of payment to frighten her, but it made ME laugh!  And let's face it.  If that frightened her, she'd probably have a heart attack over most of the rest of the things that go on around here.  I didn't even MENTION pterodactyl porn!  I figure I was sort of going easy on her.  I will say this, though.  If this blog is for my own amusement... mission accomplished!  Now then, where are the great random sponsors?!  I'm here!  Bring on the ostriches!

Sunday, July 29, 2012

It's Random and I'm Lazy. So Sue Me!

It's that time of the week again, everybody!  Yes, it's the day that I get lazy because I've been packing for my very first blogger's conference and so I share with you all the funny things I've found during the week.  Oh and by found... I mean that I stole them from my friends who made the mistake of either sending them to me or posted them on Facebook.  As far as I can tell, that makes them seriously fair game.  Besides, they really did make me laugh so I'm sharing!  I am TOTALLY selfless here.  Now where did I leave my phone charger?.... I hate packing.  So here we go!

I reposted this for my friends Melanie (of wet pirates fame) and Tammie (The Butlette).  They're the ones usually following.  Of course I'm off to a conference full of bloggers so.... I bet I can find new followers!!!!
I posted this in a morning.  Enough said.

Now see?  It's not a drinking problem. It's because I rock!

Someone has apparently read too much Shades of Gray.  They should have spent more time with the dictionary.  I sit around and wait for people to figure out that they misspelled "aisle," which makes it even funnier... and true.

I hear it's catching.  That should make me extremely popular!!

This one is from The Butlette.  She has found the Queen's official wine brand!  Must buy some!

I don't even have a witty comment for this one. Some things just are.

This was my flash back to Asia and all the temples I toured.  It made me laugh... especially when the guy with the rake reminded me of Side Show Bob from The Simpsons!  That's my favorite episode!!!  The poor guy in charge is muttering "Inner Peace.  Inner Peace NOW!!!!" to himself, I'm certain.

Why?  Because even a drag queen recognizes the Queen and her "rack."  Yeah, I've still got it, and so do my friends!

I've been telling MPH for years that we needed a "wife."  I keep hearing the men I work with talk about what all theirs do. Sounds GREAT!  Where do I get one?

The Queen had to work on Saturday.  This is my homage to that event.  (Did you notice how I threw out the word homage?  I get extra credit for that, people.)

Because this was me on Saturday too!!!  (And I'm pretty sure there's a requirement for posting a funny cat picture with every post.)

Why?  Because I consider these things to be "educational."  You're welcome!

The scary thing is that I actually USE this scale!!!  I was so proud to see it!  Frighteningly, one of my former students within a professional program assured me that I taught her this same scale on her very first day training with me.  Yeah... frightening... but she turned out alright!

Now then... back to the packing.  Have a great day, people and smile once for me!

Friday, July 27, 2012

I Can Buy WHAT At The Liquor Store?!

As I sit here and watch the opening ceremonies of the 2012 Summer Olympics on television, I am having a nice Jack and diet coke.  I'm alone in the house tonight, something that happens so rarely that I can't remember the last time it did.  And in honor of that fact, I decided that The Queen deserved a drink!  The problem was that I'm out of Jack Daniels.  Honestly, people, that makes having a Jack and diet rather difficult.  What it ended up REALLY meaning though was that I had to go to the liquor store earlier tonight.  While I was there I became stunned at what I could buy!

So it's true that I live in the South, so a trip to the liquor store is one of those hurried events.  It's not like any of us admit that we drink alcohol. Oh no!  That would just never do!  SCANDALOUS!  No, we do kamikaze liquor runs. That's where you run into the store, keep your head down, grab your bottle of liquor and sprint to the check out!  You pay as quickly as you can then head out to the car where you slump down low in the seat and speed out of the parking lot so that you can then act like you were never there.  I'm not sure exactly WHY we do it that way... well why most people do it that way.  I, on the other hand, wander in, yell "Hi y'all!" and peruse the stock at a leisurely pace while calling anyone else who is unfortunate enough to walk in by name.  My neighbors hate me.  This particular trip to the liquor store paid off with a bonus!  Not only did I manage to mortally embarrass a number of people I knew while buying a bottle of Jack Daniels, but I also found out just what all you can buy in the liquor store!

All I have to say is that I did realize that alcohol tends to start all kinds of naughty type behavior, but I had no idea that you could actually walk in and buy yourself some kinky and an orgy!... Well okay.  It's Or-G.  Check it out!

Go ahead and admit it.  You all thought I was kidding!!!

You know what I find even MORE amusing?  Kinky is cheaper than Or-G even though both appear to be on sale.  I was half tempted to search the store for 50 Shades of Vodka or something to go along with these too.  Maybe you have to buy the Kinky to get the Or-G.  They WERE on the shelf next to each other.  I confess that I didn't purchase either one.  I figured that showing up with that combo on a night that MPH (My Poor Husband) wasn't even home was just asking for trouble when he showed back up.  Yeah, he puts up with enough from me. I figured he probably didn't deserve some kind of coronary too.  I'll wait and spring these on him later.... maybe I'll even warn him!  Wait... NAH!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Because Peanut Butter Is A Food Group

I noticed something today, dear readers and loyal subjects.  It's something that probably should have occurred to me years earlier, but for some reason, knife in hand, it hit me today.  I don't know about where you live, but in my house peanut butter is a food group... and possibly a form of currency.

Now I will be the first to admit that I love me some peanut butter.  As far as I'm concerned it's a meal to itself.  All I need is a knife or a spoon and a jar of Peter Pan creamy peanut butter and life is good!  (This is not an ad.  It just happens to be my preference.  Peanut butter loyalty is kind of like loyalty in the mob.)  My children have picked this habit up from me as well.  Unfortunately they think it's a meal too.  I'm expecting the Department of Social Services to hear about this and show up at my house any  minute now.  So far I've dodged them!

Yeah yeah.  This is the stuff.  It's like cocaine only legal... and fattening.

So peanut butter is strangely sacrosanct in my house.  How do I know that MPH (My Poor Husband) loves me, you ask?  It's easy.  He will walk upstairs at lunch when I'm in my office *cough* working *cough* and bring a new jar of peanut butter and a knife with him.  He will open it in front of me and give me the first swipe from the jar.  THAT is love, people!  (Or it's fear.  I might have had some serious hissy fits in the past when I realized he'd started a jar without me.  Who knows!)

Of course, MPH thinks that head butting me is a sign of affection too.  I still remember the first time he did it.  We were dating and sitting there and suddenly he head butts me out of NOWHERE!  I was all like "What the hell was that?!"  He told me it was a sign of affection.  I told him he needed to get a new sign of affection.  Maybe that's where the peanut butter swipe came from.  Unfortunately that head butt thing never went away either.  In fact, it turned out to be genetic.  Our kids do it to me too!  I'm seriously not sure what that's all about.  And the thing is that I married him knowing that he was going to head butt me for the rest of our lives, typically when I least expect it!  I'm really not sure what that says about me, people.

So this is what I was thinking about today about the time I was having spoonfuls of peanut butter and calling it lunch.  I bitch about not being able to lose weight.  Gee.  Wonder what I'm doing wrong?!

Oh the hell with weight loss. Look!  It comes in a 6 pound tub!  Gotta go, people.  Heading to Sams Club right now!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

It's Time To Move When...

I would like to introduce you all to my colleague, Sonya.  Say hello, Sonya!  (I'm totally sure she'd do this if she were here, but she's not, so I'd appreciate it if you'd all imagine Sonya saying hello in the friendliest possible manner because she's that kind of girl.  Thank you!)  Anyway, Sonya was telling me earlier how happy she is that she and her husband have found a house and are placing an offer on it tonight because apparently.... it was time to move.

Now I realize we've all had times in our lives when we realized it was time to move on, but Sonya's was a bit more poignant, I thought.  And by poignant, I mean that I laughed out loud until I cried a little, and plan to use the experience to tease her mercilessly until the end of time. In fact I can now think of several practical jokes to play on poor, unsuspecting Sonya, but the Queen is a benevolent monarch so she'll probably just suggest these jokes to someone else and let them actually carry them out.  I'd hate to sully my crown with something like that.  (Actually I really just wanted to use the word "sully.")  So anyway, Sonya has been looking for a house in one particular area for over a year and a half now and had very little luck. I guess that part is probably obvious, now that I think about it.  Why would she continue to look if she'd had much luck.  Let's just move on, shall we?  My point here is that Sonya has finally found a house and they're making an offer on it tonight.  Turns out that this couldn't come at a better time because Sonya had decided over the weekend that it was DEFINITELY.... time to move.

Apparently it was over the weekend that Sonya had a visitor in her house, and this visitor was not of the human variety.  It would seem that she found a mouse in the house.  (Cue girlish screams here.)  Now personally, the Queen has nothing against mice.  I happen to think they're cute... unlike spiders... who have no redeeming qualities whatsoever and who completely freak the Queen out!!!  But not mice.  Mice are furry!  They have those cute twitchy noses!  They have whiskers like cats!  Who couldn't love one of these?!  The answer is obviously Sonya.

Just look at that tiny, little face!!!  It's adorable!!!

Now here's what happened.  Sonya seems to have come across this little cutie-pie in her kitchen, and it was just more than she could take.  I understand that several days later she made it back to the border between where one room stops and the kitchen starts and was simply unable to go any farther.  You'd have thought it was an attack mouse!  It wasn't, and frankly I forgot to ask how she even got rid of the mouse, but her concern was that it had friends.  She just couldn't go into the room, but it was kids to the rescue!  Turns out they've read The Little Engine That Could a few too many times and proceeded to DRAG and PUSH her into the kitchen while yelling "You can do it!" over and over again at her.  I'd have paid good money to see that, by the way!

Now see, Sonya?  It could have been a more aggressive mouse... with boxing gloves.  (I totally plan to have a set of these on hand in case I run into a mouse at some point.  I'd hate to miss the opportunity to dress one up and snap pics like whoever got this shot!)

So the mouse with friends concept turns out not to have been confined solely to the kitchen.  The house they're renting has a basement, and the washer and dryer are in the basement.  Sonya's logic here (irrefutable, I have to admit) is that if there are mice in the kitchen then SURELY there's a whole hive of them down in the basement!  And since there are obviously hundreds if not THOUSANDS of killer mice in the basement, there's no possible way she can go down there and do laundry ever again. the sort of deductive reasoning that would make Sherlock Holmes blush... it is time to either move from this home or... hire a housekeeper to do all kitchen chores and laundry.  And you know what?  I just can't argue with that!

See this little guy? You know what he's saying "Please, Miss Sonya.  Can't I stay?"  (He's probably carrying the plague or something but it was just too good for me to resist.  Look at that teddy bear!!!!!  How cute is that?!!!)

So after a year and a half, it is now "time to move."  And fortunately, a great house has finally been found.  I understand the offer is going in on it tonight, and I wish Sonya the best of luck with it.  You know who else wishes Sonya luck?  
This guy! That's who!!!!

Monday, July 23, 2012

It Takes One To Know One

The Queen has been accused of being a lot of different things.  Fortunately "boring" has never been one of them.  That is why it should come as no surprise to anyone that my first visit to the much anticipated drag show this past weekend wouldn't have been complete without me ending up on stage as well.  The best that I can tell, it's a matter of it taking a Queen to know a Queen... even if it's a Queen of a different color.  And yes, I did just mix my metaphors there.  I've been on stage with a 7 foot tall drag queen.  Don't even BOTHER to  judge me.  It's likely just too confusing to try.

So let's just set the stage here, dear readers and loyal subjects.  MPH (My Poor Husband) and I went out with our friends Melanie (yes, wet pirates Melanie), her husband Donny, and two new friends, Cole and Brandy to the drag show titled "The Lady and The Tramp."  The headliners were The Lady Chablis and Patti O'Furniture.  (I think Patti was the tramp but don't tell her I told you so!)

This is Melanie and me... frighteningly, this is pretty much of a "Before" picture.  Try to keep that in mind!  (Yes, my dress was low cut.  I wasn't about to come and be shown up by drag queens!  A girl has to stand her ground/stake a claim or whatever phrasing works here.  I'm a Queen, dammit!)

Now this was, indeed, my first trip to a drag show, and I will admit that we did stick out as one of the few heterosexual couples there.  But hey, that's just never phased us.  So when Patti O'Furniture came out to start the show, I was right there waving cash for tips and yelling and singing along and having about as much fun as it should be legal to have!  Then the Lady Chablis came out and it just got even wilder.  She is NOT afraid to claim to be a heterosexual white woman, people!

This is The Lady Chablis... rocking a dress I could NEVER get away with.  They don't call her Bitch for nothing, people!

And this is Patti... the previously mentioned 7 foot tall drag queen.  She was FABULOUS!!!!  Oh and she had great taste, as we shall soon see.

So there we sat having a fabulous time and enjoying the show.  Our group had a VIP table in the very front.  We got lots of time to interact with both Patti and Chablis.  They each came over during their performances, but I finally had to hand it to Patti.  It turns out that one good queen just instinctively knows another.  She zeroed in on me and minutes later, I'm up on stage with her!  Alright... she zeroed in on my favorite accessories... I had on a low cut dress and had brought "The Girls" out for the night!  Apparently she recognized an "amazing rack" when she saw one.  And that, dear readers and loyal subjects, is how I ended up on stage... pretty much.  

You see, she was chatting to everyone when she came over and pointed us out as a nice "heterosexual couple."  She talked to MPH, who confirmed her suspicions, then she pointed out that I did have an amazing rack.  She asked MPH if he enjoyed it and he said "sure."  (I can't make this stuff up, people!  Well, I could but in this case, I haven't.)  Apparently "sure" wasn't a good enough answer in Patti's mind, so she felt we needed some consensus drawn.  So there I was on stage with Patti asking "the lesbians in the house" how they liked my cleavage.  You know, it's a good thing I'm not shy!!  Though to be honest, I probably wouldn't have been there if I were.  It's safe to say that the show was raucous and that I contributed as best I could... mostly by wearing a low cut dress and rolling with the punches. I'd like to take this moment to point out that I had a fantastic time with this episode.  I'd also like to point out that Melanie somehow managed to lock herself into the bathroom and missed the whole thing!  I have such weird friends.

On stage... I told you!!!

It's just good to be appreciated!

Suffice it to say that a wild night was had by all and that everyone at this club was just incredible.  I had everyone from Patti, to the club owners to random club patrons coming up to me afterwards to make sure I hadn't been offended and that I knew they were happy to have us there.  I almost hated to tell them that they had to work a LOT harder than that to offend me!  The Queen knows how to go with the flow!

I'll also say that Melanie did try to make it up to me later for missing my celebrity 15 minutes (more like 5 but you know what I mean).  Because she's the best sort of friend ever, she let me wipe my hands on her to get the chicken wing grease off later on.  Isn't she the coolest?!  I'm making sure I invite her over the next time I have ribs or something!

See now? I warned you that other picture almost seemed subdued earlier!  We should probably  not be allowed out together.

But this whole story has a moral, dear readers and loyal subjects.  I shudder to think what it might be, so I'm going to go with one that I made up instead!  You're welcome.  And here it is!  It may be a lot of work being the Queen, but it's NEVER.... EVER.... EVER boring!  Party on, peeps!

Friday, July 20, 2012

It's the Weekly (not really) Random Wrap-Up!

It's that time of the week... or you know, whenever I get around to posting this sort of thing so... YAY and stuff!  Yes, it's that time when I get totally lazy and show you all the things I found on the internet that made me giggle, chuckle, laugh out loud or (even better) actually snort.  So grab your drink, buckle up and have at a few of these because here we go!!!

It's Friday and I'm about to go out to dinner then a show (Click here if you missed my HELLA-COOL plans for this evening) and it's been a long week so here's what I admit I'm thinking about at this point.

I'm telling you, dear readers and loyal subjects. That bottle is definitely glass!  Bring it on!

And this is just always a good idea.

Now for what I ran into earlier today that makes me think that people are taking this idea of pterodactyl cosplay and probably porn a little too seriously.  I know it says "no sex stuff" but do we really believe that of the person who posted this ad?!

Come on, people.  Even I wouldn't offer to do this.  Yeah, I'd pick something cooler.  I'd be a UNICORN or maybe a RABID SQUIRREL or something!  Yeah, that would rock.  Frankly, the main thing I want this guy to do is stand around and yell "BRAAAWK" every few minutes because I think that's what a pterodactyl would say and he claims to be fluent.  I'm sure MPH (My poor husband) would love this.  OH!  Maybe for his next birthday!...

This next one is from a sign at a park...

This one is so wrong that I don't even know WHAT to say.  Please insert your own inappropriate sex joke here.

Then there was the story that a man was apparently stopped at the border between Canada and the US because he was in possession of contraband!!!  Yes, people.  The man in question had the most evil of substances... KINDER EGGS!!!

Yes, despite having a warning that they shouldn't be given to children under the age of 3 because of the toy surprise inside, the US has gone so far as to BAN these chocolate naughties!  I hated to inform (please read that as "giggled through the whole process of emailing") my family that they're all a bunch of convicts and smugglers!  Though to be fair, I think my mother may now be able to make a small fortune in the traffic of banned chocolates.... kind of like those heroine trafficking people!!  Yup, more street cred for the Queen!

And then I'll leave you with this.  It's for all those times that you just REALLY want to lash out in anger.  Take a quick moment, sit down and think about it instead (Thanks for this one, Kristel!)

And on that note, I am off for the evening.  I'll be sure to let you all know just how awesome and raucous the evening was!  TA!!!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

I Took Pictures Of This, People!

I spent some time today looking through my cell phone pictures.  I was looking for something in particular but found something better.  Okay, I simply couldn't find what I was looking for so I distracted myself from that fact with the other things in that file.  I don't know how many pictures you have on your cell phone but I have HUNDREDS on mine.  Is it because it's so easy to pull it out of your pocket that you decide it's worth the trouble snap a picture of your friend picking her nose then keep it in perpetuity?  Alright, alright I keep it for blackmail purposes for sometime in the future when I might need it but that's hardly the point I'm making here.  Keep up with me, people!  My point... at least I'm pretty sure I had a point... was that it's amazing to go back and look at the various things that were important enough at that time to take a picture of them.  Granted I'm a little on the ADHD side in general, but I must say that some of these things amused me.  I'm pretty sure I emailed some of them during shopping trips to MPH (My Poor Husband).  I was likely trying to get credit for the things that I liked that I DIDN'T buy to make up for all the other things that I did.  Regardless, I decided that some of these were amusing enough to share.  So pull up a chair and enjoy the whole different level of random that is the camera roll in my phone!  You're welcome.

This one was because it turns out that even a lab jacket can be tricked OUT!

This is from 3 years ago when my cat was just a kitten.  I took it because... well, let's face it, because I could!  Admit it.  You'd do the same!

If you ever wondered what the before picture looks like at the beauty shop... this is probably it.  Or maybe it's during.  Regardless, I can't for the life of me figure out why I let anyone take this!

Words of wisdom, dear readers and loyal subjects.  If you lose your keys (yes, Minnie Mouse is my keyring) at a hospital.  You will probably get them back, but one of your friends will very likely have sealed them in a biohazard bag... for your own safety, of course.  Thanks, Sharma!

This one is of mile marker 13 at my second half marathon.  Yes, I only do half marathons at Disney.  It's further proof that if you stick Mickey Mouse or a Disney princess at the end of anything, I will keep going until I find them!  I'm pretty sure I took this just to prove that I'd made it this far.

This one is a tea towel. It really requires no explanation where I'm concerned.

I totally need to own these. I'm just sayin'.

More words of wisdom.  If you name something a SLU Team... people are really going to think this says something else entirely!  Again, just sayin'.

I remember emailing this to MPH.  That poor man, it's a good thing he loves me.  

Now I just need my phone so I can take more pictures!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Crochet for Perverts... I Think

I spent part of this past weekend at a retreat that was held in a tea shop.  Now I'm bringing this up now not to talk about the retreat/workshop (which was exceptional, by the way) but because I absolutely LOVED the name of the tea shop!  And quite frankly, I loved the shop itself.  So I've decided to tell you about it... and ask for some help with one aspect that finally just escaped explanation.

Now there have been a few times in my life when I noticed that I really liked the name of some commercial establishment in particular.  I remember a hair salon named Cherry Bomb.  I have no idea why that appealed to me as much as it did, but I'm sorry.  I would TOTALLY name a hair salon Cherry Bomb!  It's all like "oooh la-la" the KAPOW! on top of it.  That completely makes sense, right?  Well, it does in my little world.  Anyway, this wasn't a hair salon.  It was a tea shop.  Thus its name wasn't Cherry Bomb.  No this tea shop was named The Tipsy Teapot.  How cute is that?!  I loved it!  Alright, I'd have probably named an establishment The Drunken Hussy but I think they probably picked the more marketable name.  I'm just sayin'.

It did, however, turn out to be a spectacular tea shop on top of that!  It was the sort of place that had shelves of books lining the walls.  You could read them for a bit, and you could buy them if you wanted.  It had couches and tables and sitting areas everywhere for you to enjoy your pot of tea, sandwich, book or just sit and chat with friends.  It also had cute little knick knacks for sale.  There were lots of tea pots.  There were doodads like this...

Because OMG those are cute!!!!  MPH is lucky they didn't come home with me.  He's even luckier that these next items didn't.  And the only reason they didn't, which now that I think about it really isn't much of a valid reason at all, is that I couldn't figure out what they were.  That's where you all come in. Someone help me with this. What are these?!

I know the picture doesn't do them justice and I have a really hard time even explaining them, but here goes a try.  They were knitted or crocheted... I honestly don't know which.  There was a tube on the bottom that was sort of stiff and then this fluffy, fuzzy top that sat... well... on top!  They had them in different sizes.  Some were bigger than these (you can see the size compared to the pins holding them to the cork board), and some were tiny.  You could pull the top off and that left you with something looking like a naked stem.  And that made me feel like I'd made them slightly pornographic, because who wants a naked stem?!  So I put the tops back on.

Honestly, they sort of looked like crocheted cupcakes!  Or maybe they were knitted ice cream cones... or mushrooms.  Or maybe they really were something pornographic and kinky and I was just too naive to figure it out!  Stranger things have happened, people.  In fact now that I think about it, I'm betting they were.  These were likely created based on some scene in Shades of Gray that I just skimmed over because by the end of that book there was SO MUCH sex that I really just wasn't that interested in it anymore.  That would make it make a LOT more sense!

Now before you go and say it, I do realize that I could have simply asked what these things were when I was in the shop... but I didn't.  Now think about it.  If I'd asked what these things were then they probably would have told me.  And then... what would I have to speculate wildly and likely inappropriately about with all of you, dear readers and loyal subjects.  Yes, once again I  have done this for you.  The Queen is a giver.  You're welcome.

Oh yeah, I will probably break down, call up the Tipsy Teapot and order myself one of these... whatever they are.  Just don't tell MPH (My Poor Husband).  I'm going to tell him I got it for him.  Should be fun to let HIM try to figure it out!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Pterodactyl Porn Never Dies

Okay, I've been holding this since last week.  I realized I was going to have to post it but I was refraining.  I have no idea why, now that I think about it, but now it just must be done:

Why is it that pterodactyl porn never dies?!

I've written about this particular topic twice now.  Once it was about the actual pterodactyl cosplay porn that I found online.  (My eyes are still bleeding but click here to see the original post.)  Then I did it a second time just because the searches in google that led to my blog were all related to this damn pterodactyl porn thing that I'd written about!  (click here for that genius post)  Well now I find out that it's not just me!  Apparently pterodactyl porn as well as general dinosaur porn is quite the thing amongst paleontologists... at least the ones that really want you to think that dinosaurs are cool long after you reach the age of 10.  You see last week a landmark study was released.  It turns out that dinosaurs.... did it from behind!

Did I hear your collective gasps?  No?  But this is important, people!  I'm not sure exactly how they determined this but I think it was from some particularly amorous dinosaurs who might not have noticed that they were slowly sinking into some kind of tar pit while they were... you know... doing it.  I can only guess from that fact that whatever they were doing was just mind blowing.  That seems like a  difficult thing to NOT notice, but that's just me and maybe I haven't had great dinosaur sex or something, but really that's not my point.  You see, in order to explain in exactly what position these dinosaurs were apparently going at it, the paleontologists in question created high definition images.  Because there's no WAY they could say something as complicated as "doing it doggy style," or dino style I guess since they pre-date doggies, and get you to understand it as well as this...

Or this...
(Look! It's water sports for dines!... or maybe that's something else.  Oops.)

Or this...

Or this...

Oh holy cannoli, people!  Really?!  I bring my kids to these museums!  I don't want to have to explain THIS!!!!

Well anyway, you get my point.  Actually, I'm not sure I had a point here, but at least this was distracting. I can only think that that was the purpose of this particular study.  Can't you just see the scientists now?  "Look, Fred!  It's a picture of a dino... doing it from behind!"  Yeah, you sort of have to think there were a bunch of geeks in a room who came up with this as a research project.  

If only these people would put their minds towards something important... like how do Zombies mate?! Now THAT would be interesting, especially in high-def.  I'm just sayin'.