Monday, February 25, 2013

This Is What Was Disturbing?!

Okay, I don't have a picture of the exact situation to show you along with this post, but I couldn't help but share anyway.  Hanna, our royal au pair, has been with us for 8 months now, and it's been a wild 8 months.... as only time with the Queen and her minions can be.  So this weekend, we had a piano recital to go to, and I did something that I don't do that often anymore... I got dressed up!  But I got dressed early, and then I fixed lunch for everyone.  But I didn't want to get anything on my dress, so I sort of covered up.  And this led to the following conversation:

The Queen (when noticing that Hanna was staring at her):  What's wrong?
Hanna:  You know, I've been here through a lot of weird things.
The Queen:  Well yeah... it sort of goes with the territory.
Hanna:  Granted.  But I have to say that THIS is the most disturbing thing I've seen the whole time I've been here!
The Queen... groans.

So there you have it, dear readers and loyal subjects.  More disturbing than a deer head in the back yard, than a bag of cat poop that I hand her and ask her to take to the vet for me, than a pair of fuzzy handcuffs that I pull out rather quickly and ask her to take pictures of me wearing while cuffed to various things around the house... is apparently the image of me in a 50's style dress with a crinoline.... and an apron with cupcakes on it covering it up.... and a cardigan because I was cold.... and barefoot... in the kitchen.... COOKING!  I'm not sure exactly how to take that.  Honestly, I still question whether or not the deer head in the back yard SHOULD have been more disturbing.  MPH says no.  This was definitely it for him too.

Minions... you just can't trust them!

Admit it. This is sort of disturbing too.  (Hanna, Princess #3, and The Queen)

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Marshmallow Math or... Divide By Pi For The Win!

Well it's been a long winter, people, but the  Queen is coming back out of hibernation.  If only she can lose all the winter weight she put on during that hibernation process... then forgot to use up since she just never quit eating.  I'm sure some of it was a good idea at the time, but frankly I've managed to confuse myself so I'm not entirely sure.  Regardless, I currently look like a pregnant badger if I happen to put on a fur coat... so I just don't.  Anyway, that really wasn't my point here.  Not that that's ever stopped me before, but the point is that I do HAVE a point!  The Queen has a story to share!  (I know.  I know. Try to hold down the applause.  I've missed you too.)

'Cause pregnant badger don't care!

So here's what happened.  Monday night, MPH (My Poor Husband) and I went to a party for a service club we belong to.  One of my dear friends was hosting the event, and there were all kinds of fun games.  One was a game where you had to guess the number of marshmallows in this cylindrical glass jar.  Well, me being the geek that I am, I asked if I could use math and if I could hold the jar.  The answer to both was yes, so I whipped out a calculator and after a couple of initial attempts at calculations that I knew were wrong as soon as I saw the final number, I realized I needed to divide by pi to get my real guess.  I did that and jokingly told the friend of mine who was running the game that I had the right answer, and she could quit taking up guesses.  It was divide by pi for the win! 

Well, it turns out that I was EXACTLY right!  I had the exact number of marshmallows in the jar on my answer.  No one was more shocked than me!  Okay, maybe my friend was because she took one look at my answer and had to turn around and walk away to avoid letting me see her expression.

Now, flash forward to this morning and MPH is trying to show our princesses the jar and the marshmallows at breakfast to tell them the story... apparently with a moral.  He got to the point where he told them I had figured out the exact number and guessed it and was planning to go on to explain how important math was and how that’s what I’d used to get my answer.  (It seems there had been some discussion this morning about not liking math.)  Unfortunately, MPH forgot his audience.  My oldest daughter took one look at the jar and cut him off completely to tell him what the REAL moral of the story was.  And after some thought he decided he really couldn’t argue with her. 

The princess' explanation?  “Mom really knows her marshmallows!”

Poor MPH.  Things never go quite as he expects.

Oh and the question has already come up.  What did I win?!  Well, it was a cylindrical jar of marshmallows, of course!  Yum yum yum.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Now There's WHAT In My Yard?!

*Immediate Disclaimer*  
***I was unable to find funny pictures to go along with today's post so.... I just stuck random funny shit in random spots because I wanted to.  I now return you to your regularly scheduled blog post.... with random funny shit.  You're welcome.***

(Told you so)

Okay, sometimes it might not be so great that all my friends and colleagues read my blog.  And no, no one blames me for anything I might be thinking in meetings.  But apparently someone thought of me when they read a typo in some kind of report the other day and this is the series of emails that then went flying around a group of my co-workers as a result of my recent back yard find.

Sandy:  It says this person doesn't have a head today!  Really? She's just walking around headless?

Maggie:  The head was probably dumped in Cindy's backyard with the deer carcass.

Queen:  Oh like THAT would shock me in the back yard?! No way, people! I am totally ready for ANYTHING back there now... Bring out your heads... or dead... or whatever.

(It was a Monty Python reference so this one sort of goes!  Work with me, people!)

Tammie (aka The Butlette):  I spit out my water on the screen!!!

Queen:  Happy I could help out your day... if only by short circuiting your computer when the water hit it.

Deb:  Me too! Made me holler out loud and the dogs barked at me when I woke them up.

Tammie (aka The Butlette): Follow-up to the blog segment.... I feel it!!!

And this, dear readers, leads me to the moral of this little post.  Actually, it's moralS.

(...and another random funny.)

1.  You get one deer head dumped in your backyard and there is simply no END to the deer head jokes, or general head jokes for that matter.

2.  Don't drink and read the Queen's emails.  It can be hazardous to computer equipment.

(Just because though it honestly would have gone better during the deer head post.)

3.  One of my colleagues uses the word "holler" and I just love it!

4.  Tammie is freaking psychic!!!  Note to self, think innocent thoughts.  Or I could just make my life easier and be sure she's included on any shenanigans.  Yeah, that seems to be the way to go.  I'm just sayin'.

(Okay this one just works because it's me and Tammie we're talking about here.)

5.  What's even funnier is that I asked each of my colleagues for permission before I put their names in here.  This was Sandy's response "I'm fine with being immortalized in print on the internet in association with anything that has to do with headless people."  Yup, the people I work with rock!

(This one is just.... yeah.  It's good to be reminded every now and then.)

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

What I'm REALLY Thinking

The Queen, dear readers and loyal subjects, works hard at her job.  I mean REALLY hard.  Okay, I mean sort of hard.  Frankly, it depends on the day.  But she is very lucky to be able to work at home.... where yoga pants, sweatshirts, no make up and funny colored fuzzy socks make up the work uniform.  (You should start singing "I'm sexy and I know it" about right here, by the way.  I know I am!)  One of the really big advantages of that, however, is the somewhat undervalued benefit of not having to keep a straight face when given bad news or when dealing with something that simply seems ridiculous during a teleconference.  This little perk is worth its weight in gold, I tell you!  And it's not that this happens often, but when it does.... well... let's just say that there are specific things that tend to cross the Queen's mind about that time... and she does NOT really have a good poker face.

This, people, is just truth!

So today I am going to tell you what the Queen is really thinking when dealing with things she'd simply rather  not... which is a shocking amount of the time, I must admit.  Because let's face it, the Queen is interested in eating bonbons and sipping wine all day.  That's the goal, right?!  Just because I've failed at being able to do that thus far and remain employed, doesn't mean all hope is dead!  Wait, does it?!  You know, I'll think about that some time later.  For now, I'm just going to share the list with you all.  You're welcome!

1.  This is why I keep a bottle of rum hidden under my desk.

(I know I said rum but wine works too.  I'm just sayin'.)

Okay fine!  Here's your rum picture to go with that one.

2.  Ouch!  I think I just gave myself a concussion while beating my head against the desk with my phone on mute.  Wow, I love that mute button!  Now if I could just make it work on other people...

(I don't have a mute button funny.  So I'm just sticking this line in here so you won't be totally disappointed.  I really work for you people, you know.)

3.  I'm pretty sure that "WHAT THE FUCK?!" isn't a particularly productive comment even if it's the only one I can think of right now.  Maybe I'll just sit here quietly and chew on my hair.

4.  HOLY CANNOLI!  How can one very small kitten make a smell THAT BAD?!  (I know this one seems odd, even for me, but my new kitten sits in my lap part of the day and she sometimes reminds me of that old Smelly Cat song from Friends....  The trouble is that I KNOW what I'm feeding her!  Kittens do have their downside.)

This cat, however, seems to have tapped into my thought process!

5.  Maybe if I stab myself in the eye or otherwise have some horrible, disfiguring accident... or SOUND like I'm having a horrible, disfiguring accident, I can just get off this call!  I know!  I can fake being attacked by a dinosaur! That always works!!!

...But that can change!

6.  I'm probably not on enough meds to effectively deal with this amount of stress.  Yeah, I'm definitely not.  Maybe I need a new stress outlet.
Totally the same thing!

And to be honest, I'm pretty sure that there are several  more things that run through my head, but right now I'm too tired from having to actually *sniff sniff* work *sniff sniff* that I can't think of them!  So I'm afraid I'm closing tonight with what I'm thinking about now.  It's been a rough day!

Elephant gets me!

Friday, November 30, 2012

There Was Full Disclosure

I'm certain that I've mentioned my dear Hanna, our au pair, before now.  Bless that girl's heart, she has survived living with the Queen and family for 6 months now and appears nearly none the worse for wear!  Now if you aren't familiar with the au pair concept, the US Department of State describes the program as follows:

Through the Au Pair program, participants and host families take part in a mutually rewarding, intercultural opportunity. Participants can continue their education while experiencing everyday life with an American family, and hosts receive reliable and responsible childcare from individuals who become part of the family.

Me, I just call it cheap child care!!!  (Just kidding, Department of State.  I would never say that....when you might be listening.)  But honestly, we've used au pairs to help take care of the little princesses here at home for 6 years now and have been blessed with some of the most incredible girls who have truly become additional family members here with all the rights, responsibilities and complete and total weirdness that comes therewith!  In fact, Marie still lives about an hour from here since she got married while she was here.  Mandy, Alina and Juli continue to come for regular visits "home."  And we keep hoping to see Laura on her next visit to the US.  So see?  This is like evidence that we can't be all that bad.... or that we've brainwashed them all over to our brand of that bad.  Whichever sounds nicest is what I'm opting for!  I also find that it helps if you make them say "The Queen is a joy to be with," multiple times daily.  It worked for MPH (My Poor Husband)!

Here are two of our au pairs with the princesses.  That's Hanna and Alina!

The one thing that none of them can say is that they weren't warned in advance.  You see, I interview all of our au pairs before selecting them.  And this is always an interesting process.  First and foremost, however, I feel compelled to explain to them the way things are around here.  It's easy, really.  I simply say, "We're weird!"  They usually try to laugh it off and I follow that up with, "No, really! We're like weird as shit!  I mean totally screwy, and you really have to be okay with that sort of thing. We won't kill you in your sleep with an ax or anything, but we might as if you're comfortable dangling from the roof wearing a harness and angel wings just because I think that'd be cool for when someone comes to sing Christmas carols or something.... not that I've asked that but suddenly it does sort of seem like a good idea."  About that time I usually get one or two reactions.  Hopefully they laugh in absolute delight at the obvious creative genius they now have the opportunity to come and live with!  Otherwise they tend to do that whole fake static noise, you know the one, "CHKKKKKK You're breaking up!....  CHKKKKK  I can't hear you....CHKKKK We should talk later!" and then they disconnect.  Really, it's all kind of silly especially since we do these interviews on video chat so I can see them the whole time.  Oh well.  Their loss!  But my point here is that these girls get full disclosure before they get here.  Which is why I'm always so proud of them when they just roll with the punches like they always do.  And Hanna has been a trooper!

The bad thing is that I don't usually even think about the fact that some of the things I say and do might be a little odd until sometime AFTER I've said and done them.  Actually, Hanna had to mention a few of them to me the other day before I said "I asked you to do that?  Hmmm, yeah, that might have come across as odd, I suppose... but I had a reason!!!"  The first one she mentioned was that episode when I decided to handcuff myself to different things just to show how it was done because I was upset that Joan Rivers had done it wrong!  (Go ahead and click on it to remind yourself.  You know you want to.)    Apparently she hadn't been here very long at all when I knocked on her bedroom door and asked her if she'd take pictures of me handcuffed to various things.  You see, I'd tried to do it myself but it just wasn't working.  That sweet girl didn't even blink when I whipped out a pair of cuffs and pulled her along with me to figure out what all to cuff myself too!

See?  That's me cuffed to MPH.  I don't think I bothered to tell him what I was doing before I did it and tried to drag him in for a picture.  Poooooooor MPH.

And recently there was the episode when I admitted to her that I'd asked her to do some weird things since she'd been here.  She was a dear and assured me that they'd all been okay.  That's when I said "Good!  Because this last request wasn't my idea at all, but could you possibly take this bag of cat poop to the vet's office? They want to check it for.... stuff."  And I held up the bag in question for her to see.  Frankly, I wasn't sure what they really wanted it for but I'd cleaned out the litter box and these were the results!  If I haven't mentioned it before now, Selene (my new kitten) has been fairly sick since I'd gotten her.  We're still working on it.  But Hanna only paused a  moment, took a deep breath, then took the bag and just said "Sure."  Maybe her English isn't good enough to figure out what all I'm babbling about and she finds it easier to just take whatever I had her and do whatever I gesture for her to do rather than even bother to try to really understand.  That might be a plus around my house!!!

Periodically I tell Hanna that I'm still trying to scare her off.  Fortunately, anyone who has willingly spent longer than 10 minutes in my presence tends to have a pretty good sense of humor so I have failed.  It wasn't until the whole episode with the deer head in the yard the other day that I finally found something that Hanna just wasn't willing to help me out with.  It appears that burying partial carcasses.... carcassi... whatever... in the back yard was that final line that should wouldn't cross... even for the Queen.  This fact I'm planning to remember in case I ever REALLY need someone to help me bury a carcass.  I'm just sayin'.  Looks like I'll just have to call everyone's favorite Butlette, Tammie, to help me with that one, or perhaps the Duchess Donna.  She's my sister.  She HAS to  help me bury the bodies!  It's somewhere in the sister rules I'm sure.

There really was a point to my post tonight, but I'm having a devil of a time remembering what the hell it was!  Oh wait, I remember now.  I am now officially on a mission to figure out what weirdness lies somewhere between delivering cat poop to the vet's office and burying a deer carcass on Hanna's "willing to do" list.  I figure I can spend just hours coming up with odd things to ask her to do before I find the exact limit.  This should be fun!!!  Any ideas?

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

And That's Why I Hate Deer Season

First of all, I feel compelled to say that I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while.  Thank you to all of you who've emailed and encouraged me to write again.  I took a break and promise to explain the chaos that took over my life in the form of a tiny kitten and a puppy.  (Words of advice, do NOT adopt both a kitten and a puppy in the same week!  It's just a bad plan if you ever want to do anything else with your time. I'm just sayin'.)  Anyway, I'm back, and I have a HUGE list of things that you just HAVE to hear about that went on during my time away.  Today, however, you get to share in the joy of my lunchtime surprise.  You're welcome in advance.

Okay so today I actually took a break from work, walked to my kitchen and had lunch with MPH (My Poor Husband).  I'll take a moment to tell you now that MPH is a professional... as far as his profession goes.  He wears nice clothes to work and nice shoes and the people he works with prefer that he smell nice.  This fact becomes pertinent later in our story.  So does the fact that I work at home in my usual uniform of yoga pants, a sweatshirt and fuzzy socks.  Since I work in a room that usually contains just me and my new kitten, Selene, it's NOT as important that I smell nice.  But really, that's not the point of the story here... yet.  But it will be!

So anyway, there I was having lunch with MPH.  Actually I was finishing lunch with MPH when I saw a strange dog in my backyard.  Normally this wouldn't upset me but of course THIS strange dog was POOPING in my backyard!  My two dogs were uselessly napping in a sunbeam in the backyard while this was going on, and so I decided to take matters into my own hands.  Off I stormed into the backyard, spurring my furry little warriors into action, whooping and yelling as the puppy took off after what turned out to be three strange dogs (one of whom was of the white, small and yappy variety).  We were defending our territory!  We were fighting off the barbarians!  We were... well we were avoiding dog poop as I was doubled over laughing at my puppy and the white yappy dog as they proceeded to have a stand off.  But still this isn't the point!  The point is that when the whole scene was over and I'd made it to almost the back of my backyard, I turned to return to the house and suddenly saw it.  And MAN was I not prepared!

This is a horse head in a bed... it's from a movie (in case you've been living under a rock for some years and didn't know that).  There was no horse head in a bed in my backyard.... because I don't have a bed back there. That'd be silly.  And there wasn't a horse head at all.  There also wasn't all that blood or that old guy, now that I think about it.  Otherwise, it was a lot like this picture!

So there I stand.  I'm staring down at what amounts to a deer head, part of it's spinal column and its front legs all in a nice, neat little pile.  That was a new one, I'll assure you!  Deer don't usually drop their heads and front legs in my yard and then just forget to pick them up!  So I stared at it and then did what any self-respecting Queen would do.  I started screaming for MPH!

MPH managed to wander out in his nice clothes and took a look at my little discovery.  He did so then pointed out that he was dressed much too nicely to deal with this particular situation right then and also added that he was expected back at his office any minute.  Helpfully he reminded me that our three little girls would also be home from school soon so something should be done.  Then he stared at me.  And I was all "Whoa there buddy!  What do you expect ME to do?!"  Then I figured it out.  I'd CALL someone!  Surely there was someone to call for this sort of thing.  I was a freakin' genius!  They should pay me to deal with deer head crises.  I'm just sayin'.  So into the house I went and grabbed the phone.  I could do this.  I called Animal Control.  Turns out they don't handle this sort of thing. They sent me to  the Department of Highways or something like that.  They told me they'd come if someone had hit something with a car and it needed to be removed.  So I told them that a car had come by, decapitated a deer, skinned part of it and removed its front legs before knocking it all the way into my backyard.  They hung up on me.  People have no imagination anymore.  And apparently that was my last option!!!  That left only one other thing. So I braced myself for it.

I called Tammie, the Butlette, to help psych myself up for my obvious task.  Here's the conversation.
Queen:  I just found a deer head in my backyard.
Butlette:  Oh my God!  Was it dead?
Queen:  No.  It was a LIVE deer head!  It was spouting out prophesies!  OF COURSE IT WAS DEAD!
Yeah, sometimes you have to just wonder about our dear Butlette.  She promised me cupcakes if I got my task done though, so I forgive here these little mental episodes.  And then I went to dig a hole and bury my deer head.  But first I sent out an email to my team at work to let them know that I was away... for a reason that was weird even for me.  One responded and told me she thought that's why I had an au pair, which I thought was a clever idea.  Dear Hanna has handled some really odd requests here at our house in stride before, but this time she simply balked.  I was on my own.

There are a few things you should know now.  1.  There is a lot of hard packed clay fairly close to the surface in  my backyard and it's impossible to get a shovel through!  2.  My upper body workout for the day is DONE!  The hole wasn't terribly deep but I managed to bury the remains of the deer.  I even said some nice things about deer while I was doing it.  It only seemed right.  Then I covered the site with some bricks I found in the back of the yard.  There really is no end to the things that can apparently be found in my backyard if one only looks hard enough.  

So that was my day.  I found the remains of a recently hunted and butchered deer in my backyard and had to bury it before my kids could be traumatized by the sight.  Thank you, hunters!  I didn't like you hunting this close to my house before now and now I REALLY don't like you at all!  I was going to ask for an archery set for Christmas anyway.  Now I know what I'm using for target practice.  Here little hunters.... come this way!  

And THAT is why I hate deer season.  Geeze!

Monday, October 1, 2012

Oh Just Have Some Of This...

I have to say that I was a good wife last night.  Yes, I know. Look quick and insert joke here.  However, I really was!  You see MPH was really tired and wanted to go to bed early and so I went with him.  Then I stayed awake a while listening to him snore.... I mean breathe heavily... but in my head I got this genius idea for a blog post!  It was brilliant and I had most of it written already. But I was sweet and didn't get up to write it all down. I stayed where I was.... being nice...okay, now that I think about it, he was asleep and I have no idea why I stayed in place because this morning, all that work was just... gone!  Yup, I forgot the topic and everything I intended to write down, but I swear to you that it was hysterical!  I've spent all day trying to remember something about it...anything!  But it's been one of those no luck situations.  And in honor of that fact (as well as the fact that I'm tired tonight and so I've got nothing) I'm going to give you some funnies that amused me and hopefully will amuse you too.  I promise I'll be genius tomorrow or something.  Try to forgive me.
It's hard to add anything to this.  Bacon.

This, however, was me today.  It's rough when you know you had a great idea only you're getting old and so you forgot it.

This one is for all my friends!  You know who you are!!!

Okay and this one. This one is for all my friends, too.  And most of my family, now that I think about it.  Perhaps it's hereditary.

I realize it's photoshopped but still... best photobomb EVER!  Can't you just hear it now?  "Helloooooo!"

This.... is fuckin' genius!!! I bow to the obvious Shakespearean master here.  Dude!  Let's do the Macarena next!!! I never knew what those words meant anyway!

All I have to say is BWAAHAHAHAHAAA!  Cat's got style!

Yes, I've gone back to Shakespeare... this is what plants in my presence usually look like.

And this one... just... yeah.  I blame the voices. They're persuasive too!

Now go and enjoy your day while I try to remember the best idea EVER!  And if I don't... I'll just have some more wine.  It's a win-win for everyone!