Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Handcuffs and How To Use Them

Dear readers and loyal subjects, I read an article online today (yes, that really is the only place I get my news) that said that Joan Rivers handcuffed herself to a shopping cart in Costco because they refused to carry her new book.  The funny thing is not necessarily that she did this, but that I actually stopped and thought about that idea for a while.  Handcuffed to a shopping cart.... She does know those things roll and are portable and stuff....right?!  I mean, couldn't they just roll the cart she's cuffed to out of the store and be done with her?  It hardly seems like a protest worthy object of cuffing... or even really an important enough object to be worth cuffing.  Well the more I thought about it the more I realized that people in general apparently need more information about handcuffs and how to use them because Joan... Handcuffs:

(Huge thank you to our Web Mistress of All Things Good who made this for me when I bothered her and whined that I couldn't figure out how to do it.  Whining... it works.)

Now, because I realize there are more people out there than Joan who don't know the appropriate use of handcuffs, even in protest situations, I have decided to donate my time to the cause and help out.  You're welcome, people.  So get ready because here we go!


This is me handcuffed to something important!  This is my industrial espresso machine!  See?  It's true.  It takes a LOT of caffeine to put out this sort of literature, people.  The point here is that if you're going to handcuff yourself to something, it should be IMPORTANT!  My espresso.... important.  A shopping cart.... yeah, that's just weird.  Someone get Joan with the program.  

I will also take a moment to point out that yes, my handcuffs are leopard print.  There's a reason for that.  It's because it doesn't matter what kind of point you're making or what you're doing, there's just NO excuse for not being fashion conscious.  I know you want a pair too.

This one is me handcuffed to my liquor cabinet... also important.  I've just noticed that it's a little blurry. I'm not sure if that's because I took it myself or if it's because I took a wee sip off the Jack Daniels in there.  Who knows?!  Still, this is the sort of place where handcuffing is acceptable.... and in bars too.  Frankly, I'm shocked that they don't hand out handcuffs in bars.  It would be fun... kind of like handcuffed twister!

Now here is another great idea!  Handcuff yourself to your purse!  Not only do you reduce the risk of leaving it somewhere... like you're more likely to do after spending some time cuffed to your liquor cabinet, but you have the added advantage of leading people to believe that you possess either important state secrets or vast sums of cash!  Both are handy to have, I'm told.

Now here I am handcuffed to my Super Queen/ Super Mom bear.  Why?  Because she's totally cool and I love her!  It's always appropriate to be cuffed to those you love.  And speaking of which...

This is MPH (My Poor Husband).  Well, it's his arm.  He was a lot less amenable to being cuffed and having his picture taken than my Super Queen Bear was.  There was a lot of muttering about needing to ask before you cuffed people, but mostly I was ignoring him and trying to drag him into the frame for the shot.  Men!  You can cuff 'em up but you can't make 'em drink.... or something like that.  Frankly, I've lost my train of thought.

 And finally we have the ultimate coup!  In retaliation for his lack of cuffed enthusiasm, I handcuffed myself to the remote!  That'll teach him!

And with that, I'm back to my original point.  Cuffing oneself to a shopping cart is less than an effective form of protest, unless the shopping cart is filled with things that I would otherwise feel perfectly happy handcuffing myself to!  So the next time Joan Rivers... or you... or anyone else for that matter feels the need to handcuff themselves to something, please feel free to point them to the Queen's instructional manual on handcuffs and their appropriate use.  It's my own public service announcement.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go handcuff myself to a bottle of Jack and refuse to let it go for at least an hour.  That'll show them!

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