Saturday, September 29, 2012

Home Alone.... Look Out!

The Queen is home.... alone.  I mean like really alone...totally alone... I'm half freaked out!  I don't know if I've mentioned this before.  I probably have, and I've just forgotten.  I'm going gray too.  It's awful.  I think dementia is just around the corner.... or maybe that's a bar.  I'm not completely sure.  Anyway, my point here is that I am alone in the house, and I am NEVER home alone!  You see, the part that I was trying to tell you that I might have mentioned before is that, while my house is large enough to accommodate it, we do have quite a few people living here.  It's me and MPH (My Poor Husband), as well as three little girls and our au pair, Hanna.  So if you count that up.... it's six.  Yes.  (I had to do it a few times to make sure because I've already broken out the wine.  I just know you understand.)  So anyway, MPH and the girls are down at the beach tonight, and Hanna is visiting a friend.  The Queen is at home because she has to work tomorrow, which she plans to whine about even though she thoroughly enjoyed her day off during the week on Tuesday.  That's sort of beside the point now, though.  It's really very much of a "what have you done for me LATELY" type situation when you have to work on the weekend.

However, back to my point.  I am at home alone, and that leads me to the good part of this post.... all the things that I can do purely because of that fact!  I've sort of been planning this all day.  I spent the day at the beach with the family and just got back home, but I've made a list.  Here are the things I plan to do. Ready?  (You can use this for the next time you're home alone too.  You're welcome.)

1.  Grab the rabbit and open up a bottle of wine.  Drink the entire bottle by myself because it will surely go bad if I don't.
***Disclaimer*** No, I don't mean THAT kind of rabbit!  It's a wine opener, ya pervs!  Not that I don't HAVE that type of rabbit, but I'm not getting it anywhere near my wine, for goodness sake!  Really. What ARE you people thinking?!

Yup, this is the bottle.  The sign was already here.  Go figure.

2.  Close the blinds, take off all my clothes, put on a stylish hat and then run laps around the entire interior of the house naked except for said hat just because I can!!!  Why the hat, you ask?  I just like hats.  Quit judging me!

(No, there is no picture here.  You're welcome for that too.)

3.  Practice my piano... loudly.... same song over and over again... until even I can't stand it anymore!

4.  Take a looooooooong hot bath that will NOT be interrupted by any one of three children wandering into the bathroom to ask me where something they've lost is (like I even know where the stuff I lost is), ask me to get out of the tub and play with them, ask me to make one of their sisters  play with them, or even just to ask me what I'm doing... the reply to which is always "Making Mom soup."

5.  Bedazzle a pumpkin.
No, I'm not kidding?  Don't you do this too?  Well I blame Pinterest.  It's made me delusional about just how crafty I really am.  I now seem to think that just because I've seen something on Pinterest that I can do it too.  So now, I'm going to bedazzle a pumpkin.  Here's what it's going to end up looking like (in my own mind, at least).

I mean really!  How hard can that be?  I have a box of sparklies and a hot glue gun.  Since I plan to do this naked too, someone send help if you don't hear from me after a while. I've probably hot glued myself to the floor.  This is me we're talking about... It could happen!

7.  Skip 6 and go right to 7 when I make a list.

8.  Turn up my music REALLY loud and jam out.  It's a dance like no one is watching and sing like no one else is in the house kind of night.  (I'll also be praying the neighbors have their windows closed.  I'd hate to have to explain to the police why I'm naked and screeching along to music that would sound better if I'd just be quiet.)

9.  Spend some time relaxing.  This one is something I've decided is important.  I've been much too high strung lately. Do you know how I know?  Well I'll tell you.  I know... there's a surprise.  I found this book in the bookstore today and thought about getting it.

Do you know why I didn't?  Because I looked at this relatively thick work book and thought to myself "Well shit!  Then I'll have to read this! When will I find the time?!  CRAP ON TOAST!  I can't find time to brush my own hair!  I'll have to do this instead of sleep!  Maybe I can keep it under my pillow and get it through osmosis!"  And that's when I began to have a panic attack, hid the book behind something innocuous like How to Kill Zombies When They're Coming To Eat Your Brains and ran! Okay, to be fair, it was probably hidden behind Ann of Green Gables but the Zombie book would have been more appropriate, don't you think?  Yes, I think so too. I'll have to write it since it doesn't actually exist but now I really feel like it should.  Not sure where I'll find time to do that.... oh wait, another panic attack.

10.  Have a panic attack.

11.  Cure the panic attack by putting on my favorite one piece, footed, fleece PJ's, curling up under the covers and drinking a second bottle of wine.  

No, I'm not kidding about the favorite PJ's but I look sexy as hell in them... at least as sexy as a woman can look in baby blue, fleece, footed PJ's with teddy bears on clouds all over them.  I'm pretty sure that's high on the sexy scale.  If it's not, don't tell me.  MPH humors me and assures me I look GREAT!

12.  Write a blog post about all the things I'm planning to do tonight then just skip over most of the list, pretend I did it, and spend the evening playing loud music and drinking wine.  That's where I'll be if anyone needs me.  Now where's my wine.

13.  Remember one last thing.  I found this today, and it is totally me.  Knew you'd all appreciate that fact, so here it is.

I swear this is going to be my new catch phrase.  Right after telling people randomly that I hate that fuckin' rabbit, I'm going to threaten to push them off my broom.  It'll be GREAT!


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