Friday, August 3, 2012

Well I Wasn't Expecting THIS!

Well, dear readers and loyal subjects, the Queen is at the Blogher 2012 conference in New York City, and she's having a great time!  I've met some wonderful people and had some great fun both around in the city as well as at the conference.  I've quickly become "The Pterodactyl Porn Chick" which has given me a certain notoriety that I quite enjoy, but I have to say that some of the most entertaining things I've seen have involved the give aways at the conference.  It turns out that if you want a serious bag of swag, head to a blogging conference!  When you have a conference full of people who write about what they see and do online and who have lots of wonderful people like you all reading what they write... sponsors REALLY want to get their products out for what is essentially free publicity!  That said, several of these sponsors talked to me about being a featured blogger for them to review their products and get the word out about the cool things they have going on.  They all got the same universal response.  I immediately burst out laughing and assured them that they did NOT want to be featured in my blog specifically because if I was writing about them, I was probably making fun of something!  That said, I absolutely couldn't resist sharing a few things that I found.  So sponsors, now is the time to cringe.  Readers.... enjoy!!!

This... is a thumbdrive disguised as a banana!!!  Who the hell cool is this?!  Okay, here's a serious thank you to Dole for making and giving me this.  I plan to loan it to someone and then promptly ask them if that's a banana in their pocket or if they're just glad to see me!  I don't even plan to be terribly picky about whether or not they've even PUT it in their pocket!  Some things should just be assumed.

Now the people from Poise have given me a combination personal fan and flashlight (it's at the top and hard to see).  I'm not sure how to take this exactly.  Now the tag tells me that I should approach menopause with confidence so it would appear that this is my own personal "hot flash!"  Get it?!  Fan.... flashlight.... hot... flash?!  Oh come on, people! Work with me!

Alright.  Pharmaceutical company Pfizer gets the award for worst ad campaign/slogan EVER with this little item.  It's a hard cover notepad full of sticky notes.  Love the item itself but the slogan is "Get Old."  Really, Pfizer?  Get old?  Is that like get stuffed or something?!  I asked about this and the explanation I got was that you were supposed to write something on the sticky notes about how you felt about getting old based on the "mood" associated with the thought... optomistic, angry, prepared or uneasy.  Again... Really?!  I stared at the cute and very young boy who gave me this presentation while smiling charmingly at me.  I didn't deck him, but the thought did cross my mind.  Instead, I informed him that I may be getting older, but "old" wasn't something I was aiming for.  I'd really love to have a word with whoever came up with this whole slogan!

Okay, back to better items.  God bless the US Army!  They gave me a water bottle... or as it shall henceforth be known... the Jack and Diet Coke bottle!  This totally rocks and now I can go back to the conference tomorrow and I know it will be even funner because I will be tipsy and everyone will think I'm just well hydrated.  WIN!

Now for the adult product company round of our post....

Holy canolli, people!  Trojan brought "the buzz to blogger" this year.  And by buzz, I mean that they brought actual VIBRATORS!!!!  I kid you not!  I'm standing there at their booth looking at the info when the nice young man asks me which one I'd like.  I'm thinking "which one of what?" when he asks the woman with me if she'd like the small or the large.  She takes one look at him and says the only SANE thing that can be said to that.  "I'll take the large!"  I added my request by way of yelling "HELL YEAH!" and VOILA!  We had vibrators!  Wow, people... just.... wow!  I am TOTALLY coming back to this conference!!!!!

Now you all know there was no possible way for me to let this whole thing go without calling MPH (My Poor Husband) to tell him about it.  So I called him at work:

Queen:  OMG!  I was just given a vibrator at my conference!
MPH:  You were given a what?!
Queen: A vibrator!  Trojan is here and they gave me one!
MPH:  A virbrator.... really... (long pause)  Just what kind of conference are you at?!!!!
Queen:  The good kind.  Duh!

Now, all of this said, I did end up going back to my room with all my loot.  I'd have been perfectly willing to give you all a product report on this little doozy, but when I got back, I found out it took an act of congress to get the box open and then once you did that, you found out that it was packaged in that kind of hard plastic that you have to use scissors to open.  See?

Now while it did come with that pretty black bag for ease of carrying it around (like in your purse to parties for when you get bored), there was just no WAY that even I was going to walk down to the front desk of my hotel carrying this brand new vibrator and ask for a pair of scissors to cut it open.  The Queen has a few lines that she just won't cross... at least until the crowd at the front desk dies down later tonight.  It's all about standards, people.

Okay, so it turns out that Trojan isn't the only adult product company on hand here.  Eden Fantasys is here too.  They gave me a little goodie bag too!  (Incidently, when pterodactyl porn was brought up.... as it so often is... the girl at the counter here looked at me and yelled "HEY! I've googled pterodactyl porn before!"  Naturally, these were my people.)  Their goody bag contained a "Vibrating Ring for Couples."  I realize it's  hard to see in that clear bag there, but I'm pretty sure that thing doesn't go on my finger.  This should be a REAL shocker for MPH!  Don't you know he'll be pleased?!

This one doesn't look like much, I realize, but it really is great.  I did manage to find a ring for my finger too.  It lights up and strobes when you push the button on it.  So here's a big thank you to the nice people at a non-adult product company who gave it to me while I was griping about the fact that I couldn't wear the vibrating one.  I love it when people get me.

And finally, here's probably my favorite product.  It's all purpose wet wipes from Eden Fantasys "The Sex Shop You Can Trust."  Yes, people, we have wet wipes for the times that you need to get clean... but still want to feel dirty afterwards.  It just doesn't get better than this.


  1. I got here from a comment you made at the Bloggess and I am in love. Can I go to this conference with you next year? It seems like loads of fun, and what's not to love about free vibrators for crying out loud!?!?!?!

    1. Whoohoo! Welcome to the Queendom! And yes, you can come with me! In fact, my next conference will be NMX in Vegas, Baby! MPH is even coming along for that one. And honestly... free vibrators? DUH! Best-conference-EVER!!! Come play too!!!!


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