Friday, August 17, 2012

Open Letter To The AARP

Dear AARP,

I would appear that the Queen has somehow been placed on your email list... you know, that one that goes out to perspective members.  This seems to be in error.  If I recall correctly, the AARP stands for the American  Association of Retired Persons.  Interestingly, your website doesn't tell me what it stands for at all!  I can only assume that you're withholding this information as a result of attack by a pack of hormonal and possibly perimenopausal women to whom you have insultingly sent an invitation for membership.  Be that as it may, you may rest somewhat easier in the knowledge that at least the Queen is not yet perimenopausal.  Perhaps you should tie on your sneakers, however, because she very likely IS hormonal and prone to attack.

Now I will start out by saying that it was a very pleasant email you sent me.  And it even included a bribe!... something that's never a bad thing when emailing the Queen.  In fact, here's the email with lovely bribe you offered me...

Okay, now let's take a little peeky poo at this email, why don't we?  Hmmmm, let's see.  You start out by offering me more benefits!  And then there's even that really cool (okay, it's not really but I'm trying to build up your confidence here) insulated bag... very similar to about 10 others I already own but that you will give me for FREE!  Well done, AARP.  Unfortunately, that's about where you blow the whole thing.  I would like to point out to you that I am not... nor will I be in the near future.. "over 50." In fact, I've been receiving these emails for a few years now and just been deleting them, but I do have to wonder how and why you are emailing someone starting in their thirties with your information.  In fact, perhaps that's the real question I need to ask.

Now let's think here.  Just how would the AARP go about getting my email address as well as the idea that I am more than 10 years older than I am.  Hmmmm, let me think.  Well, the way most people get my email address is when I buy something online.  So let's try thinking of some things that I could have bought to warrant this erroneous email.  Let me think.... I haven't ordered any "Kiss me I'm over 50" buttons or "Honk if you love sexy women over 60" bumper stickers... I once bought birthday candles shaped like a 7 and 0 at the same time then put them on my mother's birthday cake... several years before she turned 70 but that seems like a stretch.  I haven't ordered any online birthday cards for my great grandchildren.  And I haven't yet become so demented that I've fallen for that email from the woman who's dying in England who wants to give me 10.8 million dollars to set up a fund to help orphans, widows, and the downtrodden (I swear the email actually used that word), though frankly I'm always tempted to respond to those just to yank someone's chain.  I've also checked my sent email box and at no point have I been sleep emailing (It's happened.  Don't judge me, people.) and sent out any requests for more information on Life Alert, walkers, Hover Rounds or how to order a year's supply of denture cream.  I don't eat dinner in restaurants at 4pm in order to get any kind of Early Bird Special, and I don't get up at 4am for the day because I've had plenty of sleep already.  I have three small children.  I wouldn't know "plenty of sleep" if it bit me!

Maybe it's not even what I did buy.  Maybe AARP has some kind of filter showing what I DON'T buy.  I tell you what.  I promise to go hit the Victoria's Secret website and buy thongs and racy lingerie.  I promise to go to Netflix and download lots of porn... pterodactyl porn to be precise.  I promise to buy myself a new skateboard.  I'll even join a skateboarding chat group and talk emphatically about thrashing or shredding or whatever the lingo is.  Will that help?  Will you figure I'm not over 50 if I do that?  Over 50 year olds don't do those things, do they?  I only ask because I wouldn't know.  I'M NOT OVER 50!

*biiiiiiiiig deep breath*

So in conclusion, AARP you're just kind of bringing me down.  I've noticed the years are passing quickly enough for me.  I just don't need you people pushing them along. Ya dig?  (I'm pretty sure that was seriously under 50 slang.)   In the meantime, I'd be happy for you to send me that cool little tote bag.  I'm sure I'll use it on some kind of car trip with my kids.  Could you possibly embroider a zombie kitty on it for me too?  I'm big into those right now.  Okies? That'd be awesome. THX!

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