Tuesday, August 21, 2012

NOT Mom of the Year

Well, it's finally happened.  My baby has grown up and passed a milestone. Yes, she's only 6 but last night she blurted out her very first curse word... and she used it in context.  I was almost weirdly proud.  I'm pretty sure, though, that it's going to keep me from getting the whole Mom Of The Year award this year... again... like usual.  I figure she's not the first child to say something inappropriate, really.  In fact, at some point in time, all three of mine have.  I admit that they might have heard a few of these words at home.  MPH (My Poor Husband) is likely the source... at least as far as I'm admitting.  But it's not like we're walking around cursing like the Osbournes or anything!  So in honor of my sweet and innocent baby, I've decided to talk about that thing that we never really talk about.  You know, it's the first time our children curse.

Disclaimer:  If you can't handle a curse word or two, now is the time to stop reading.  I'm just sayin'.

Fuck!  (See?  I told you.  That was just a test.  Kind of like a warning shot across the bow or something.  You know, if I were a pirate.  Anyway, back to our story.)

With my oldest, it really was MPH's fault.  She was probably two years old.  She was this beautiful little blonde haired, blue eyed angel of a child.  (Now that I think about it, they all are.)  She and I were standing at the top of the stairs near the appropriately safety conscious child gate when I called down to MPH.  He, in the meantime, was apparently moving through the dark downstairs of the house when he found a chair... with his foot.  From the first floor I hear this bellow of "FUCK!"  I just stood there totally silent, getting ready to ask if he was okay when my darling child said in the sweetest little toddler voice possible, "fuck."  I heard it.  He heard it.  Then he heard me call down to him "GREEEAAAAAT!  I just can't WAIT for her to go to pre-school and say THAT!"  We got lucky though and that was the one and only time she's ever said it.  In fact, now she fusses at me if I say "freakin'," which is my attempt not to say anything worse when I'm upset.

With my second child, it was different.  She may have heard these words used in the house, but she never, ever repeated them.  Nope, not my smart girl!  Instead, she waited for the appropriate time to use one of the words... in context.  There we were.  All three little girls were in the bathtub playing.  The oldest was 4, the middle was 3 and the baby was just about a year old.  Everything was splash and play and hearts and flowers until my middle daughter dropped a tub toy over the side and out of reach.  That's when it happened.  It was this sweet, small voice and it came out obviously vexed "Dammit."  I stopped, blinked and leaned over to ask "What did you say?" because surely it wasn't what I thought I'd heard.  So clear as a bell, my toddler looked up at me and said emphatically "Dammit."  I turned and picked up the tub toy and then fled the room, mumbling "That's what I thought you said," because I didn't want to burst into hysterical laughter in front of her.  Yeah, again no award for me that year!  But again, she's never said it or anything like it since then.

To be honest, I was just probably too proud of the baby.  The child is 6 years old and has never shown any indication that she was going to say anything truly inappropriate.  I, therefore, blame this on the lamp.

Here it is!  This is the lamp in question.  Apparently it's profanity inducing, and I had no idea.  I must be the rabbit's fault.

So anyway, I'm standing there with the baby in front of me and my middle daughter beside me when the baby starts telling me she wants to take this lamp out of her room to make room on the table for her new Dream Light. (Don't even get me started.  It's this pillow pet with a light on top that puts colored stars on the ceiling, and I was talked into buying it.)  So as I'm telling her to leave the lamp alone and I'll find a spot for the Dream Light, my darling child looks at me and calmly states, "I hate that fuckin' rabbit."  I almost died right there.  Here's how the conversation went from there.

Queen: Baby!  That's not nice!  We don't say that word! It's an ugly word!
Baby (looking half confused):  Hate?
(Okay, we did formerly not allow the kids to use this word because we didn't want them saying that they hated anyone or anything, so there was some reason for her to come up with that now.)
Queen: No!  Not that word.  We don't use that OTHER word!  It's not nice!
Baby:  Fuckin'?
Queen (getting hysterical): Yes! That word!  We never say that word!
Middle daughter who is oh so helpful:  You say it all the time.
Queen: No I don't!  But I'm a grown up and there are some words that just aren't used by little girls.  You are little girls.  No more with that word!
Baby:  Well that's the first time I've ever said it.
Queen: Good!!!  Don't let there be a second time!
Baby:  Well I just said it again for you so I've already said it a second time.
Queen (clearly not winning here): Then that's more than enough. No more with that word, okay? Promise?!
Baby (shrugging and clearly humoring her mother):  Okay fine.

Yeah, that's how MY night went.  And the sad thing is that when I called MPH and told him what she'd said, his first question when I told him that I'd told her not to use that word was:

MPH: Did she say "What word? Rabbit?!"

Ugh, I swear he knows her as well as I do.  Anyway, he was kind of gleeful about the whole thing.  He was thrilled that our middle daughter had singled ME out as the source of the child's knowledge of the word rather than him (clearly she's confusing the two of us), and he mentioned the same thing that I'd noticed. 

MPH:  Well she did use it in an appropriate context. Clearly, she hates that rabbit.  I bet you were proud.
Queen: Okay, I was sort of proud in a very inappropriate and Department of Social Services inviting kind of way.  But that's not the point.

Hanna, our au pair, overheard my side of the conversation and promptly sprayed the water she'd been drinking out of her nose.  It was definitely one of her finer moments.  But overall I'm left with the realization that another year will pass me by without the highly coveted "Mom of the Year" award.  I'm wondering if it counts that I did get her a Dream Light.

And there it is.  It's a stuffed unicorn on her bedside table where that rabbit light used to be.

So anyway, I think I got the idea across to her that she shouldn't say things like that again.  And I suppose I'll be okay.  I mean really. What do I need with that fuckin' award?


  1. Six years old and getting it just right, no wonder you were proud! Hell, I'm proud and I don't even know her!!

    1. I am! I so totally and inappropriately am! That's my girl! She's a profanity prodigy or something! I figure I'll take what I can get.

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