Home Alone.... Look Out!

The Queen is home.... alone.  I mean like really alone...totally alone... I'm half freaked out!  I don't know if I've mentioned this before.  I probably have, and I've just forgotten.  I'm going gray too.  It's awful.  I think dementia is just around the corner.... or maybe that's a bar.  I'm not completely sure.  Anyway, my point here is that I am alone in the house, and I am NEVER home alone!  You see, the part that I was trying to tell you that I might have mentioned before is that, while my house is large enough to accommodate it, we do have quite a few people living here.  It's me and MPH (My Poor Husband), as well as three little girls and our au pair, Hanna.  So if you count that up.... it's six.  Yes.  (I had to do it a few times to make sure because I've already broken out the wine.  I just know you understand.)  So anyway, MPH and the girls are down at the beach tonight, and Hanna is visiting a friend.  The Queen is at home because she has to work tomorrow, which she plans to whine about even though she thoroughly enjoyed her day off during the week on Tuesday.  That's sort of beside the point now, though.  It's really very much of a "what have you done for me LATELY" type situation when you have to work on the weekend.

However, back to my point.  I am at home alone, and that leads me to the good part of this post.... all the things that I can do purely because of that fact!  I've sort of been planning this all day.  I spent the day at the beach with the family and just got back home, but I've made a list.  Here are the things I plan to do. Ready?  (You can use this for the next time you're home alone too.  You're welcome.)

1.  Grab the rabbit and open up a bottle of wine.  Drink the entire bottle by myself because it will surely go bad if I don't.
***Disclaimer*** No, I don't mean THAT kind of rabbit!  It's a wine opener, ya pervs!  Not that I don't HAVE that type of rabbit, but I'm not getting it anywhere near my wine, for goodness sake!  Really. What ARE you people thinking?!

Yup, this is the bottle.  The sign was already here.  Go figure.

2.  Close the blinds, take off all my clothes, put on a stylish hat and then run laps around the entire interior of the house naked except for said hat just because I can!!!  Why the hat, you ask?  I just like hats.  Quit judging me!

(No, there is no picture here.  You're welcome for that too.)

3.  Practice my piano... loudly.... same song over and over again... until even I can't stand it anymore!

4.  Take a looooooooong hot bath that will NOT be interrupted by any one of three children wandering into the bathroom to ask me where something they've lost is (like I even know where the stuff I lost is), ask me to get out of the tub and play with them, ask me to make one of their sisters  play with them, or even just to ask me what I'm doing... the reply to which is always "Making Mom soup."

5.  Bedazzle a pumpkin.

No, I'm not kidding?  Don't you do this too?  Well I blame Pinterest.  It's made me delusional about just how crafty I really am.  I now seem to think that just because I've seen something on Pinterest that I can do it too.  So now, I'm going to bedazzle a pumpkin.  Here's what it's going to end up looking like (in my own mind, at least).

I mean really!  How hard can that be?  I have a box of sparklies and a hot glue gun.  Since I plan to do this naked too, someone send help if you don't hear from me after a while. I've probably hot glued myself to the floor.  This is me we're talking about... It could happen!

7.  Skip 6 and go right to 7 when I make a list.

8.  Turn up my music REALLY loud and jam out.  It's a dance like no one is watching and sing like no one else is in the house kind of night.  (I'll also be praying the neighbors have their windows closed.  I'd hate to have to explain to the police why I'm naked and screeching along to music that would sound better if I'd just be quiet.)

9.  Spend some time relaxing.  This one is something I've decided is important.  I've been much too high strung lately. Do you know how I know?  Well I'll tell you.  I know... there's a surprise.  I found this book in the bookstore today and thought about getting it.

Do you know why I didn't?  Because I looked at this relatively thick work book and thought to myself "Well shit!  Then I'll have to read this! When will I find the time?!  CRAP ON TOAST!  I can't find time to brush my own hair!  I'll have to do this instead of sleep!  Maybe I can keep it under my pillow and get it through osmosis!"  And that's when I began to have a panic attack, hid the book behind something innocuous like How to Kill Zombies When They're Coming To Eat Your Brains and ran! Okay, to be fair, it was probably hidden behind Ann of Green Gables but the Zombie book would have been more appropriate, don't you think?  Yes, I think so too. I'll have to write it since it doesn't actually exist but now I really feel like it should.  Not sure where I'll find time to do that.... oh wait, another panic attack.

10.  Have a panic attack.

11.  Cure the panic attack by putting on my favorite one piece, footed, fleece PJ's, curling up under the covers and drinking a second bottle of wine.  

No, I'm not kidding about the favorite PJ's but I look sexy as hell in them... at least as sexy as a woman can look in baby blue, fleece, footed PJ's with teddy bears on clouds all over them.  I'm pretty sure that's high on the sexy scale.  If it's not, don't tell me.  MPH humors me and assures me I look GREAT!

12.  Write a blog post about all the things I'm planning to do tonight then just skip over most of the list, pretend I did it, and spend the evening playing loud music and drinking wine.  That's where I'll be if anyone needs me.  Now where's my wine.

13.  Remember one last thing.  I found this today, and it is totally me.  Knew you'd all appreciate that fact, so here it is.

I swear this is going to be my new catch phrase.  Right after telling people randomly that I hate that fuckin' rabbit, I'm going to threaten to push them off my broom.  It'll be GREAT!

The Tooth Fairy Is A Stripper

My youngest daughter lost a tooth tonight.  Okay, she didn't exactly LOSE it, but she did sit still long enough to let me pull it out.  That's quite the accomplishment for this kid!  You see the last time she lost a tooth, she refused to let anyone touch it.  It was literally hanging there in her mouth attached by what I'm pretty sure was some kind of natural bungee cord in one corner only.  Otherwise, it sort of flopped around in her mouth.  But far be it from her to let anyone pull it out!  Apparently she thought it would hurt.  She was so stubborn that she actually wiggled the tooth until it fell out in her hand, the fact of which she only accidently discovered when she couldn't figure out what was IN her hand.  I'm still shocked she didn't swallow it.  But this time, things were different!  She was brave!  She was ready!... She wanted that Tooth Fairy cash!

There she is... and there it isn't.

So about that whole Tooth Fairy thing.... My youngest daughter, Kitten is what we call her at home, is a driven sort of child.  She likes a lot of things a great deal, but she REALLY likes some cash!  Not sure where she gets that from.... it's probably MPH (My Poor Husband)'s fault.  Anyway, the child is really focused on how much money is coming.  She's been telling me since before it came out that she hoped the Tooth Fairy would leave her $10.  I have been telling her just as long that I don't think the Tooth Fairy leaves that much!  But is she discouraged?  Nooooooooooo!  She told me again tonight and informed me that since I wasn't the Tooth Fairy, I didn't know.  Besides, apparently MAYBE she'll bring that much is good enough.

Well I don't know how it is at your house, but at mine, the Tooth Fairy does bring $10 for the first tooth.  Now that I think about it, my oldest got $20, but to be fair, she had her first 3 teeth pulled all at once by the dentist because there just wasn't room in her little mouth for teeth to come in.  I figure that's worth $20. She was a trooper.  Subsequent teeth, however, go for around $5.  This is what I kept telling Kitten.  There was only one problem.  The Tooth Fairy at my house only had a ten dollar bill!  Hmmmm, do we break the rule or find change.... yeah, we find change.  Otherwise a broken rule pretty much has to stay broken with my kids.  They have the memory of elephants.... when cash is involved.  So off I go to try to find some fives.

Now since MPH isn't home, and obviously I don't have anything but a ten, I go looking for Hanna, our au pair.  I quickly swear her in as a deputy Tooth Fairy (this sort of thing is important,  you know), and explain the rules of the game.  Her job is to keep to the Tooth Fairy code... and by keep to the Tooth Fairy code, of course I mean find me some change.  And we were in luck!  Hanna was able to fulfill her responsibilities as a deputy Tooth Fairy beautifully.... sort of.  You see Hanna didn't have any fives.  What she did have was 11 or 12 ones!  As she's counting out ten of them to break my ten dollar bill, I watched her and finally asked, "What are you doing? Stripping on the side?!"  I've never seen someone break out so many ones like that at the drop of a hat.  I checked them carefully for oil, but apparently she's laundered them in some way.  Because of course Hanna assures me that yes, she's been stripping and I have discovered her secret.  I'm guessing she's doing it between when she finishes her college classes and when she picks up the girls from school.... which really can't be a great shift... I'm going to have to talk to this girl.  Or maybe she's doing it after I go to bed!.... on the roof or something.  Who knows?!

Can't you just see her....errrrr..... him working that pole now?!  Okay, I think my eyes are bleeding.  That one may have just been too much even for me!

The point here is that the Tooth Fairy is going to be leaving lots of small bills tonight, and I'm betting I'm going to be on my hands and knees in the morning trying to locate them all after Kitten has slept on that pillow and scattered them all over the floor.  She's not the most stationary sleeper I've ever seen.  So I'm off to wait for Kitten to go to sleep so I can saunter on in in my 5 inch stilettos and leave her some ones!  Someone wish me luck.  I may end up in the floor early in those things!

Addendum:
Holy cannoli!  No sooner did I finish this post than I find this!

Apparently the Tooth Fairy IS a stripper!  I'll be darned.

We Now Preempt This Blog...

I was going to write a post tonight.  I swear I was, but there was this emergency.  In fact, it was more of a crisis than an emergency.  So I am sorry to say that there is no post tonight…. well except for this thing I’m posting now…. which hardly counts… only it sort of does…. but you know what I mean.  Anyway, here’s what happened.

This blog has been preempted for a speech by the President of the United States. 

Wait, that’s not right.  Sorry.  My bad!

This blog has been preempted due to the release of Joss Whedon’s (who I still have not forgiven for the lack of any more Firefly episodes) The Avengers! 

Because Robert Downey Jr IS all that!

Yes, indeedy!  I picked up a copy of the Avengers, which I wasn’t able to see in the theaters because the only things I EVER see in the theaters are animated movies for kids.  It’s one of those unwritten rules of parenthood that really suck, if you ask me.  But that’s okay because it came out today and I was off from work and I found it and I picked it up and I totally plan to watch it!  MPH is thrilled, as you can imagine.  I did at least warn him, though.  He realizes it’s a “me” sort of night, but has agreed to watch with me.  I’ve been saving up some serious Oooooohs and Aaaaaaaahs and general cooing noises for anything Robert Downey, Jr either says or does.  (The Queen thinks he’s yummy!)  The fact that Chris Hemsworth is also available for eye candy purposes is truly just a bonus!  This thing was practically made for ME!

This is just a little Robert Downey Jr gift from me to... well it's to me.  But you people can look at it too!

Anywho, my point is that I’d write except that I’m planning to watch a movie tonight instead.  So here I sit waiting for my oldest two daughters to finish ballet class.  I have my laptop in my lap (appropriate for the whole “laptop” title) and I’m writing while a few other mothers stare at me and pass judgment because I appear to be spending my free time on me rather than discussing how awesome my kids are with the other mothers.  Okay, I made that part up. There’s no one in the waiting room but me.  I’m probably some kind of loser mom and the others are all out to dinner, laughing and talking and doing that whole passing judgment thing.  Or maybe I’m just paranoid now from the whole PS thing I’m suffering from.  (Click here to see yesterday’s post if you are unaware of the suffering caused by and dangers inherent in my new illness… PS.)  It’s really hard to tell. 

Loki with Thor's hammer and Cap's shield! - “I am Loki, of Asgard, and I am burdened with a glorious Props Department."

Just to let you know, I stole this shamelessly off Pinterest.  I'd feel bad but it's funny and funny should always be shared!

So now that I’ve told you all what’s going on, I will now shut down my computer and stare at the walls until either someone else shows up who wants to talk to me (and by wants to talk to me, I mean who will sit still while I babble at them about absolutely nothing in general) or the girls finish their half hour class.  Really, a half an hour is hardly enough time for me to even get some good conversation going.  I think I’ll lead with my personal opinions on pterodactyl porn. That’s always a good opener!  You should see people’s expressions!  Priceless…. less pleasing than Robert Downey, Jr., but still priceless.  You can’t have everything you want, you know.

One last one because how... HOW could you possibly resist this man?  I surely don't know!

Wound Tighter Than A Tick!

Okay, so the Queen can be a bit of a bear when she's feeling.... we'll just call it moody to start with.  Yeah, that sounds like a nice way of saying complete and total psycho bitch, don't you think?!  Not that I'd know.... complete and total psycho bitches NEVER know, but I've read it online... about me.  Scary, right?  Anyway, if the fact that the majority of my post on Friday night was dedicated to the fact that I really should have been drunk and just wasn't didn't kind of lead you in the direction of knowing that I really was creeping up on a giant case of the moody's, then I'm not sure much of anything would have given you the warning that was really needed here.  My poor family figured it out though... bless their hearts.

You know, when I started getting really upset over absolutely nothing... okay not nothing but little things... well now that I think about it, Friday REALLY annoyed me though probably a bit out of proportion to what it should have since I can't point to one thing that annoyed me.  I think it was an issue of everyone else breathing that annoyed me, but I'm not sure. Okay yeah, I really should have realized that something was wrong about that time.  It takes a lot to really upset me, you know, unless you happen to have been around this weekend.  Then it took inhaling.  But haven't we ALL had those days?  (Saying yes to me now would be a REALLY good idea.  I'm just sayin'.)  But I think I figured it out.  I have a bad case of PS!

And just what is PS, you ask?  Well I'm assuming you asked because I'd feel awfully silly if you decided that PS stands what it usually stands for which is Post Script because I definitely do NOT have a bad case of the Post Scripts unless you consider the fact that I keep swerving off topic to explain why I don't have what you potentially think I have as a Post Script, but if you do, yeah then I have some bad Post Scriptitis.  PS in this case, however, does NOT stand for Post Script.  Nope, instead it's the version of PMS that I get.

You see, for me PMS is different.  I still get the hormonal part but I don't get the M part.  This is thanks to that lovely IUD I have, which my gynecologist sold to me as "the cadillac of birth control," and it totally is!  If you can get past the part where you have it placed (which feels a lot like they take this small device and pass it through your cervix and up into your brainstem), then the whole thing really is fabulous!  (And no, I won't let them do that to me again without using elephant tranquilizers on me first.  Horse tranquilizers won't even cut it for this thing!)  The upside is that you get either very light or NO menstrual cycles.  I'm a BIG fan of NO menstraul cycles, which is what this thing does for me.  Well that and it keeps me from getting pregnant again, and I'm pretty sure that's a good thing.  The Queen loves her little princesses, but frankly, three may be the death of me.  Four would surely do me in!  But regardless, who could truly turn down the "cadillac of birth control?"  Not this girl!!!

So now that I don't get that whole M part of PMS, it can be a little tricky to figure out when I have it.  Oh and it also makes me paranoid that I'm pregnant ALL THE TIME!  In fact, I will periodically decide that I'm so moody that I MUST be pregnant.  I've spent a small fortune on pregnancy tests that all say they're negative but should probably just tell me in a very calm and potentially electronic voice "You are bat shit crazy again because you have PMS.  Relax and quit buying pregnancy tests."  It's a shame they don't sell that kind of pregnancy test because it would TOTALLY apply here.  So anyway, I'm stuck with the fact that I usually just get really cranky, go supernova crazy about something that really shouldn't bother any sane person (again I reference that whole breathing issue), and eventually figure out that my face is breaking out too and so this is likely the PS that I get.  

On the plus side, I always apologize once I figure out that it's really not them because it really is me.  When I went nuclear over my daughters deciding that they needed to practice their piano yesterday purely because I had sat down to practice for MY lesson, I waited until bed time but I did apologize.  I told them that Mommy was just wound a little too tight last night and that she loved them more than anything.  Ever the little pragmatist, my middle child told me it was alright and that she had figured I that I probably needed a nap.  I decided that sounded better than trying to explain the whole PMS business without the M.  So now if anyone needs me, I'm going to go take a nap... it's probably in everyone's best interest.  Besides, I think I'm out of Jack Daniels!

Yeah It's THAT Kind of Night

You know some days are just not good days.  Some weeks aren't either.  Honestly, my week hasn't been that bad but today was just HORRIBLE for some reason.  And it's not that I can really even put my finger on it.  It was just one thing right after another.  I hate those days.  And to be honest, it really takes a lot more than you'd think to knock the queen off her groove.  Though now that I think about it, maybe if I'd shoved someone out the window of a huge Aztec temple, I'd have felt better.  Maybe not, but maybe Disney had it right with The Emperor's New Groove.  Who can really say unless they've tried it?  Though with a shocking lack of Aztec temples here in the southern US, I'm betting it will be a while before I can personally test that theory.   Now that I think about it, if MPH is reading this, I'm betting I've just lost my chance to go to ANY Aztec temple.  He knows how I am.

Anyway, back to my point, which I did have... it's been one of THOSE days, lack of Aztec temples aside.  Honestly, there really should be something we can do about these days.  Mine was bad enough that when my boss called and asked how I was, I told her we should probably just skip that question entirely because I wasn't sure she really wanted the truth.  She let it go... apparently she'd already heard.  Ooops.  Anyway, she did ask if I had anything good planned for the weekend so I told her that I did.  MPH and the kids have gone on down to the beach and I basically have the evening to myself.  I went out to dinner with our au pairs (the current and a former), had some wine, and now I'm back writing with plans to curl up in bed with another glass of wine and some kind of smutty book as soon as I'm finished here.  And THAT, dear readers and loyal subjects, is how a day like today SHOULD be handled!  Bring on the wine and men!!!  The fact that some random man tried to pick me up on the sidewalk on my way to dinner should probably be a pick-me-up of sorts, but frankly the day was just too bad for me to even be patient with the poor guy.  And really, he had no chance!  Anyway, here are a few things that seem to have summed up my day and my attitude tonight... plus a few that just made me smile.

The way I see it, my day didn't kill me.  Pass the Jack Daniels.

This is because Captain Jack Sparrow is a freakin' GENIUS!!!  Why IS the rum gone?!!!  This day would have gone a lot smoother if I'd just started drinking with breakfast.

Let's just go ahead and agree to substitue rum for vodka in the above statement.  I'm not a big vodka drinker. It makes my tongue turn green.  I've always blamed the vodka for that, but maybe it's really my tongue's fault.  Who really knows, and with a bit more rum... who really cares?!

And for the morning after days like today we have... wine flu.  I think I might have had a slight case of this before... briefly....and wanted to die.  Just a thought.

Now then, in the absence of any alcohol.... or when MPH is staring at you during the work day with some kind of "you shouldn't drink while you're working" attitude, there's always this outlet.  I made a sign too.  It referenced alcohol and fire arms.  I'll just keep it to myself.  You're welcome.

And by the end of the day, we had this.  The bad thing was that people were still calling me and EXPECTING me to care.... so I faked it... and pretended to stab myself when MPH checked on me....then giggled to myself afterwards... and had a drink.  Anyone sensing a theme here?!  

Then I did this impression because it made me smile... only I didn't say RAWR.  I said NYAR!!!  I said it because that's what my youngest child always says and it's both cute and scary... a lot like me.... and my youngest child.  She once started saying it to me while she was in bed and didn't want me to turn out the light and leave.  She said "NYAR NYAR NYAR!" then announced "I will say NYAR to you unless you stay!"  I told her she'd be saying NYAR for a while then, and so she did.

Small child: NYAR NYAR NYAR!

Queen:  Do you want me to have Daddy come kiss you good night?

Small child: NYAR NYAR NYAR  Yes, tell him to kiss me.  NYAR NYAR NYAR!

Queen: Will do!

Then I kissed her on the nose and went to get MPH.  As I walked down the hall I heard from her dark room, "nyar nyar nyar near"

I wonder where she gets it from!  Wait, just don't answer that.

And I thought I'd add this in because the one thing that makes a few glasses of wine and a smutty book even better.... is a few glasses of wine, a smutty book and FIREMEN!!!  I do so love firemen...

MPH periodically says something like this about the time I've had some wine and have started talking about firemen, so I figured I'd go ahead and just toss it in here. It's kind of like a gift, really.  Maybe now he'll give me a Fireman for Christmas!... or maybe not.  It's a good thing  MPH is cute.

And for my last trick, I would like to address all the political ads, discussions, arguments, disagreements, fact checking and general bullshit.  Here's what the Queen is putting out there this year. This is my official endorsement for president.  Ready?  Good because here it is!

I went ahead and threw my support to Dr. Horrible because no one from Firefly was running.  But as far as all the Facebook politics that always get thrown around during elections, I have one more thing to add.

Everyone chillax and have a pancake... NYAR!

They Don't Mean Me.... Do They?!

You know, I wouldn't have thought it had been two years already since the last time I received the letter I received today.  Apparently, however, it has.  Yes, it's that time of every biannual period of time for me to receive the letter that summons me to.... JURY DUTY!!!!  Can you even begin to imagine?!

Yes, it's true.  I have been summoned to serve my local county on jury duty.  I am less than pleased at the prospect but I do have a little confession to make.  I've never actually had to show up for jury duty before now.  You see, I've always had a reason that I truly couldn't stop and serve.  I was either still in school.... working in a setting where life and death was on the line.... solely responsible for the migratory patterns of all birds in North America.....dealing with the imminent melt down of every snowman in the county....or busy being generally awesomesauce and therefore, simply not available to just drop everything and run to report to jury duty!  Unfortunately at this point in time, none of those things are true!  Well crap!

Now let's take a moment to be fair here.  Exactly who really wants to walk in and find ME on any jury of their peers?  Frankly, my peers would probably walk in, take one look at me, slam down their glass of wine on the defense table and turn to yell at the judge "But she was with me when it happened!  She swore it was all a great idea!  I was following her lead!!!"  And I'm not sure that not being sworn in at the time would keep me from standing up, yelling "Hell, yeah!  And wasn't it a blast?!" back at them.  This is me we're talking about!!!  Face it, I plan to show up with a thermos full of nuclear powered espresso and a full box of cupcakes, neither of which I plan to share!  I am every lawyer's worst nightmare!  I'm manic.  I'm totally random.  I'm a little OCD, and I really like expressing all of those attributes whenever possible!!!

Now while, I'm sort of excited about seeing our justice system at work (says the woman who has studiously avoided both that and the sight of sausage being made up to this point), I do have to say that I do have a few concerns still.  First of all, while I no longer perform air traffic control for migratory birds as a hobby, I still do sort of feel like it's important that I show up for silly things like oh... say... work.  I think the people who have to pick of the slack for me when I'm not there would probably agree, but we all know that mostly I like the money I get paid when I DO show up.  I'm not positive but I STRONGLY suspect that jury duty won't be nearly as lucrative as knitting dolls made to look like every character on Firefly.  Oh wait, that's not my job.  Ummm, if anyone talks to my boss, please tell her that I don't EVER do that at work.  (Hi, Cherie!)  My other concern is related to the dress code, of course.  I mean, if I'm showing up officially, someone needs to help me out here.  Exactly what style crown should I be wearing to this soiree?  Should I go full on regalia or maybe a less flashy tiara would do?  You know, it really is a lot harder to be the Queen than people give me credit for.

So anyway, I have 2 weeks to prepare for my official summons.  I'm polishing my tiaras.  I'm trying to figure out how to shove more caffeine into my espressos.  I'm wondering how many espressos and cupcakes I can tolerate before I start bouncing off the walls of the jury room singing show tunes completely off key and loving every minute of it.  I'm trying to figure out if I can substitute wine for the espresso and make it an even MORE interesting day.  I'm also trying to figure out the best tone of voice when I stand up and yell "GUILTY!" before I'm even selected for a jury.  Oh yeah, this is going to be fun.  Where do I sign up?!

Where Are My Crayons?

I had a great weekend, dear readers and loyal subjects.  MPH (My Poor Husband) and I went away for the weekend, just the two of us.  And by just the two of us I mean really..... just the two of us!  There were no kids.  There were no pets.  There was no family.  It was him.... and me.  Well it was mostly me.  MPH is pretty good about just going along for the ride when I get a plan in my head.  This was definitely one of those times.  But since we were truly away for the weekend without any children, it occurred to me that I needed to make the most of the time. There were things I figured I should do before the inevitable happened and I missed them and wanted to go home again.  I am proud to say that I got a lot done on my list.  And because I know that so many of you have children as well, I thought it would be good to let you in on the sort of list that you really should make in case you find yourself with child-free time as well.  So here it is!

1.  Stay in a hotel that is fancy enough that you can NOT expect to hear children running up and down the halls screaming and laughing while they work off some energy.  If you DO hear that sort of thing, you should probably call and complain. I mean really!  Who lets their kids do that when you don't have yours doing it already?!

2.  Go out to dinner.... without asking for crayons from the hostess!  Well, I did okay on this one, but I will admit that while I was waiting for my entree, it did occur to me that having some crayons might be nice.  Or maybe it wouldn't since I didn't have a coloring sheet on the back of my menu and the table cloth really was that.... cloth!

3.  Go to Ben and Jerry's for ice cream then EAT YOUR OWN ice cream.  Do NOT share.  MPH tried to get a bit of mine but that turned out badly for him.  I was totally serious about this one.

This kid totally gets it.

4.  Go to an outdoor festival and walk through the shops without having to hear "Mom!  Mom! Mom!!! Did you see that?!  Can I have it?!  I want one!" etc.  You should, however, mention to your spouse every few minutes that you just KNOW that's what the kids would be yelling if they were there to see this hella-cool stuff!  Then proceed to ask your significant other if you can have something about once every 2.3 minutes.  That'll make them not miss the kids so badly.  You're helping, really.

5.  Play with the kittens and puppies that the animal shelter brought to the festival without also having to hear anyone beg to be allowed to keep them all.... other than you, of course.  Again, MPH can deal with some whining or he'd feel like he'd missed the totally experience.  I was doing him a favor.

6.  Sleep late.  Wake up and realize you've slept late, then roll over, close your eyes and try your darndest to sleep even later!  Who knows when you'll have this chance again.

7.  Drink and entire bottle of wine with dinner.  Do NOT explain to any children that it's okay for Mommy to have an adult beverage every now and then and that no it does not stink.

8.  When your spouse asks what the heck he's doing in such a fancy hotel, tell him he's with you... welcome to some freakin' class!

9.  Walk past the toy store.  Do not pause.  Do not stop.  Do not go in... unless you see something really cool in the window that it occurs to you that YOU might want, now that you think about it!

10.  Buy yourself a surprise.  Don't buy one for anyone else.  Be selfish!  You deserve it.  You totally rock!

11.  Dance around your hotel room mid-morning after sleeping late while singing the "It's all about ME" song because who knows when that will be the truth again!

12.  Use every swear word you know as often as possible because there are no kids to a) fuss at you for swearing or b) save that particular word and it's appropriate usage for later when you least expect it!

13.  Eventually realize that you've had a great time but wouldn't it be fun if we could do it all again and bring the kids?  No?  Fine then.  I miss them.  Let's go home.  

The Weekly Random Wrap-Up

I hope you are all enjoying the fact that the seasons are changing just now.  It's going from summer to the cooler days of early fall here in the northern hemisphere.  Hopefully for all our southern hemisphere readers, the days are warming up for you.  Honestly, this is one of my very favorite times of the year.  I've always loved all the "in-between" times.  And in honor of those, I am spending a lot of time outside just enjoying... which means a little less time writing right now.  Since I don't want to leave all of you hanging with nothing to enjoy, dear readers and loyal subjects, I've decided it's time for another Weekly (or not so weekly) Random Wrap-Up!  Yup, it's time for me to be lazy and just share some of my favorite funnies with you.  So strap yourselves in.  Please keep hands, feet, arms and legs inside the ride at all times.  And don't, for any reason, leave your space until the ride has come to a complete stop.  The Queen thanks you!  And off we go!

Because you can never go wrong with cat funnies...

This is totally how I'm getting the kids to their grandparents' house.  It's gotta be cheaper than plane tickets and they're small!

This should easily explain the lack of blinds in my house.  There's no escape from Ninja Assassin Cat!

And frankly, this one should surprise no one.

This one is in honor of my children... may they always be funny... as in funny, ha ha, not funny.... well, you know!  Oh face it.  My kids don't stand a chance at "normal!"

This one will never be one of my girls, but frankly I can't help but just love it!  You go, girl!

But this woman.... this woman is my freakin' hero!  I laughed so hard I cried!

And because I can't NOT do a few in honor of the men...

Kind of makes you look at PeeWee a little differently, doesn't it?!

Ah wine.... I mean men... bless them both!

This one is in honor of my diet... the one that I have had difficulty with ever since I decided it was a GOOD idea to make my grandmother's pound cake... just because.  Yeah, sometimes I shock myself with my own stupidity.  This was one of those times.

And this one was just because it was funny!!!  I promise I was thinking of none of you!

And with that, I hope you all have a fabulous day!  I'm thinking of you and enjoying my time outside.  Yes, I may have locked the kids in the closet so that time would be peaceful, but would you REALLY have done it differently?  

Oh and don't tell DSS, okies?  Thanks!

Sabrina, Ninja Cat

Just a quick post tonight.  I'm too paranoid to write a lot.  I'm busy making sure that my cat, Sabrina, isn't trying to kill me.  Actually, I'm really spending the evening having a staring contest with her because I'm pretty sure that if I look away first, it will be considered weakness, then she's liable to take me out in my sleep.  My cat doesn't look like a killer.  In fact, she's really very cute and sweet, as most cats are... unless she's being  psycho ninja cat, which unfortunately today... she was!

Sabrina came to me when she was 3 weeks old.  Here she is before she became homicidal.  I had to bottle feed her for the first 3 weeks.

You'd think that you could trust something this cute, wouldn't you?!  Yeah, but then you'd probably think you could trust my daughters too, and I can assure that that's NOT the case!  Apparently cute and trustworthy isn't a theory that holds for cats either.

Anyway, this is Sabrina now. She's a bit rounder around the middle than she used to be and a lot bigger in general.  Here she is pretending to not be lying on my table.  She'd never do that!  She's a good girl.... right?  Yeah, maybe not.  But here comes the attempt on my life!

This is it, people.   This is Sabrina in ninja cat assassin mode!  She looks sweet and innocent enough, but no!  She may look like she's just lying there, but she's lying in wait!  Eventually someone will try to go down the stairs and fall right over her.... and it'll probably be me!

So anyway, I'd write more and tell you all about my awesome time with my first piano lesson since I was 7 years old which I had tonight, but I'm busy trying to stare down my cat.  I'm really hopeful she'll blink first and I'll establish superiority.  At least that way maybe I can sic her on MPH and sleep easy tonight.  I'll let you know how it goes.  In the meantime, I leave you with this handy little quiz to see if your cat is plotting to kill you, too!  You're welcome!