Friday, July 13, 2012

What I SHOULD Have Gotten For My Birthday

You know, dear readers and loyal subjects, after being married to MPH for almost 12 years, you'd think he'd have figured out what to get me for my birthday by now.  But no.  He hasn't.  And this fact is demonstrated all too clearly by the conversation we had this evening.  Ah, he still has so much to learn.

Queen:  I need my own cult.
MPH:  I know. You've been saying that for years.
Queen: Yes, I have. Those statements have been HINTS!  I was hoping you'd get me one for my birthday.
MPH:  You were hoping I'd get you your own cult?  Aren't you supposed to build your own?
Queen: You know I'm not a do-it-yourselfer.
MPH: True.  I probably should have realized.
Queen:  It's a good thing you're cute because you can be slow with some of these things.

I have decided to use this picture of me with a giant sloth in all cult publicity and recruiting.  Because how can you NOT join a cult run by a woman who could mesmerize and control a giant sloth?

MPH:  Yeeeesssss.  What would you do with your own cult anyway?
Queen: Oh we'd go out and do good.... in a mass-ish cult-y sort of way.
MPH:  Good?
Queen:  Yes.  We'd do talk therapy for chipmunks with body image issues.  We'd rescue unicorns that get their heads caught in chicken wire.  Stuff like that.
MPH:  Ummm....
Queen:  Oh and we'd be at the forefront of the fight against bathing suits that don't fit our curves.  They shouldn't be allowed to make those things.
MPH: What about for people who don't curve as much as you?
Queen:  Everyone should curve as much as me.  This is a group mentality.  You need to get with the program or we'll throw you in the box.
MPH:  The box?  Great.  I'm almost afraid to ask but what would you call this cult?
Queen:  That's a good question.  Hmmmm. How about the Cult of the Queen and her Minions?  Oh! I want minions too!

Where can I get some of these again?

MPH:  You've been calling the kids your minions for a while now. What about them?
Queen: Well I do realize that one day they'll grow up, decide I'm not as cool as I think they should think I am, and then they'll decide to just go off the deep end and think for themselves.  I need non-thinking minions.  Then they can do my bidding... until the mother ship comes.
MPH: The mother ship?
Queen:  Yeah, I'm still working on where we're going in it.  This having a cult is hard work, it turns out.  I'm getting a headache from thinking so hard.
MPH:  Oh yes.  I am too, now that you mention it.  Of course I think the cause is different.

Then MPH took some aspirin and told me he needed to lie down, but that I should let him know if the mother ship arrives.  Silly man.  The mother ship isn't expected for another couple of weeks now.  When will he ever learn?


  1. I would love to join your cult but I don't think even given my love of Victoria's Secret that I can curve as much as you.

    1. That's okay. As long as it's the goal and the ideal, then we're all good!!!! (Because the Queen is a kind and benevolent cult leader) And God bless Victoria's Secret!


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