Friday, May 18, 2012

Conversations With MPH In The Car - We Should Stop Talking

I just have to start out today's post on a happy note.  I'm off work, in Charlotte and basically have a day to myself. That said, this is what breakfast and writing looks like first thing in the morning:

Yeah, life is good.... now.  But there was a car trip that led up to this!

MPH (My Poor Husband) and I had to head to Charlotte yesterday.  This trip normally takes about 3 hours but we hit horrific thunderstorms that took my usual speed of Warp down to about 35 for an excessively long time.  We're not going to give a little lesson on things that the Queen is just NOT good at.  High on that list is "Sitting Still!"  I get bored.  I'm manic.  My brain won't shut down.  So sue me!  Anyway, I suspect that being stuck in said car with me while I stressed about the rain that I couldn't see through and my brain went faster than the car was probably NOT MPH's idea of a good time.  Here's probably why...

Queen to MPH who was talking on his blue tooth in an otherwise silent car:  You need to get off the phone.
MPH turning to the Queen: What?
Queen louder and a bit slower (sometimes this helps):  You need to get off the phone!
MPH: Why?
Queen: Because I have I've Been Working On the Railroad stuck in my head and I have to get it out!
MPH staring at me then turning away as if that helps him to talk on his blue tooth:  Just ignore her.  She's gone nutso.
Queen:  I'm going to start singing it out loud to you!
MPH now looking panicky:  Don't you EVEN!

At this point I began to hum loudly to the tune of I've Been Working On the Railroad.  After that he decided he should get off the phone.  And just in case you didn't already have this little tune stuck in your head, here it is on youtube!  Go ahead. Click it. You know you want to hear it again.

Now to understand the sheer pain involved in this next little conversation, you need to understand that the Queen is a big music fan.  And if we get to talking about 80's music then, well... the Queen is a psycho music fan!  MPH likes movies instead, and so I try not to massacre any of my movie references around him. You'd think he'd do the same for me.  But no.

MPH while U2's Where the Streets Have No Name is playing:  Hey, is this U2 or INXS?
Queen pausing and taking her eyes off the road to stare at him incredulously because obviously he's from another planet and she just didn't know it until right that minute:  That's U2!  How could you even get them confused?!
MPH, far too calmly:  Well they're practically the same thing.
Queen, getting hysterical:  No they aren't!!!  They're totally different!  The only thing similar is that they have only letters instead of words in their name!  I don't think the Edge would think they're the same either!
MPH: What's the edge?
Queen:  Oh dear lord, I've married a musical neanderthal!   You should have disclosed this sooner!!!

MPH decided he should shut up about this point which was good because I was wondering if I could shove an entire encyclopedia on music and music history or maybe just a crammed full MP3 player into his left ear and have him suddenly learn it all by osmosis.  By the way (because I know he reads this) THIS IS U2!

The second from the left is The Edge!!!!   That's a person, not a "what."

This is INXS!

And for the record, Michael Hutchence is still one of the more beautiful men I've ever seen.  *big sigh*

Now this one I'd lead into but I'm really not sure how.  In fact, I was totally blindsided by it, but apparently MPH was only thinking of my happiness... and yours, actually, when he said it.

MPH mumbling something that sounded like: You need to get a disease.
Queen, who is absolutely certain that she's going to laugh with MPH when she tells him what she THOUGHT he just said:  What?
MPH clearer now: You need to get a disease.
Queen: (long pause) Funny, that's what I THOUGHT you said.
MPH continuing to speak as if aliens had NOT sucked his brain out of his left ear while NOT replacing said brain with music knowledge: It would help you with the blog.
Queen: (another long pause)  How do you figure that exactly?
MPH:  Well your favorite blogger talks about her anxiety disorder and depression, and I think that really resonates with readers.  They've been there. They understand it, and I bet it helps with her blog.
Queen:  (You guessed it, long pause because I can't believe we're having this conversation)  You do know me, right?  I have free floating anxiety already and I'd just as soon it not get worse if that's okay with you.
MPH:  Well yeah. She has that one already.
Queen:  Is that like calling dibs?
MPH:  Exactly.  You need a different disease.
Queen (rather alarmed at this point because she can't help but consider her options):  I could get leprosy.  No one ever talks about leprosy anymore.  I think it's because we have antibiotics now but maybe I'd get the sympathy readers if I started dropping off pieces of my body... kind of like a zombie! It'd get two demographics!  Leprosy sympathizers and zombie lovers!
MPH:  No.  You don't get it.  You need some disease people understand.
Queen:  Leischmaniasis?

MPH: You REALLY don't get it.  That one's no good.
Queen exasperated now:  Well just exactly what disease would you like to give me?!  Chronic fatigue syndrome, maybe?!
MPH: That one would work.
Queen:  I can't believe you want me to have a disease!!!!
MPH:  What?  No!  I don't really want you to HAVE a disease.
Queen:  (long pause again) You want me to have a fake disease?
MPH:  Yes!
Queen:  To improve my blog.
MPH:  Yes.
Queen:  You are weird as shit.

And this, dear readers and loyal subjects, is why MPH and I probably shouldn't have any more conversations at all and why he is no longer allowed to discuss my blog at all except to tell me it's sheer comic genius... even when I make fun of him.  It's just better that way.  On a side note, it's a good thing that man's cute!

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