Ghost Porn - Only At My House

It's been a very weird day.  Things have gone wrong, and things have gone just... paranormal!  It would appear that my house is haunted.  And it seems the ghosts are flat out horny!  Who ever would have thought it.  Honestly, I'm just was just glad to know that there's even more sex in the great beyond.  That seems a lot better to me than just wandering ghostly through a house moaning "Ooooooooh" without a really good reason.  But maybe that's just me.

Some days I really wish I knew how to work Photoshop or something.  I'd TOTALLY have this little guy going all "Oooooooh!" and everything!  You know I would!

Anyway, the whole thing started strange and just got stranger.  I was minding my own business and working hard... REALLY hard, tirelessly even in my home office (Everyone say hello to my boss... Hi, Cherie!) when Juli, our nanny, came in to tell me about a couple of urgent issues.  One involved picking my daughters up from school, but the other... well, I'm not even certain how to classify the other.

Juli:  There's porn on in your room.
Queen:  Wait... what?
Juli: There's porn on in your room, and it's loud, and it's about time for the girls to come home.
Queen:  Ummmmm.... what?  (This was said in the most intelligent way possible, I assure you.)
Juli, who now speaks slower and louder: There's Porn On In Your Room.
Queen:  How the hell is there porn on in my room?! There's no porn in there!  And if there were...which there's not.... it certainly wouldn't just be on by itself!  I mean, I'm married to the one man in the world who doesn't even WATCH porn!
(Granted MPH, My Poor Husband, HAD just been home but still, he's really not a porn addict.  If he has any I don't know about it.)
Juli:  I'm just saying that there's loud porn on and it's coming from your room.  And it's the same thing over and over.
Queen, now even more confused: WHAT?!

Juli starts to say it all again but I give up, stop her, and decide to go investigate.  I go tearing off down the stairs to find out what the heck is going on in my room, and I get there to discover.... my room.  It's dark.  It's quiet.  The TV is off. No one is there.  And there's definitely no porn.  And I'd know porn if it bit me, people!  Not that I'm advocating for porn to go around and bite people.  I'm just sayin'.  Anyway, Juli's standing at the top of the stairs when I come out of my silent bedroom and starts insisting that "It just stopped!"  It just stopped.... riiiiiiiight.

Queen:  There's nothing in here. The TV is off, and the computer isn't even in here.  Where did you hear it again?
Juli:  It was at the bottom of the stairs coming from your room.
Queen, giving Juli a speculative look as she tries to figure out if Juli has found her Jack Daniels stash: Well, there's nothing here now.  Maybe it was ghosts!

And then we had our obvious explanation.  Ghost porn.  Why did I not think of it sooner.  My house is haunted and they're just horny.  I'm really not sure how I feel about ghosts having sex in my bedroom though. That seems a bit overly intrusive to me.  I'm not sure that they were using my bed, but does it really matter WHERE in your bedroom they're doing it?  I'm not sure, but it bothered me the rest of the day.  Finally MPH came home and stopped by my office. I just had to tell him about the horny poltergeists!

Queen:  We have ghosts having sex in our bedroom.  It was ghost porn!  Juli said it was loud.
MPH:  I know. I heard about it from Juli.  It was my phone.
Queen, not for the first time today: What?
MPH: It was my phone. I left it in the bedroom.
Queen:  You have ghosts having sex on your phone?  Why would you have that?  Is there an app for that?
MPH, looking a bit sheepish now: No!  It's that ringtone.

And then it hit me.  Yup, this is MPH's fault.  You see a while back he decided he was funny.  He downloaded a ring tone made from that one scene in When Harry Met Sally... the moaning one... you know the one...It's this one! Click me!  Yeah, THAT one.  He downloaded it and set it to MY phone number and thought it was hysterical.  Naturally I made him change it.  I could just see him somewhere like the grocery store, chatting with someone I know and the phone ringing like that.  "One second. That's Cindy," he'd say.  And then I'd have to kill him.  Honestly, I think that's defensible!  People already think I'm weird enough. I don't need him helping me out with it!  So anyway, he claims that he didn't do it but that his alarm is now set to that ring tone.  He'd been home earlier, taken a quick nap (because he's old and the elderly do things like that), and set an alarm to wake him up. It seems he woke up early from his nap and went to run errands while leaving his phone in the bedroom with the alarm still set.  And VOILA!  We have ghost porn... debunked. Which is kind of sad now that I think about it.  I'm sorry, ghosts!

Do you want to know the really weird part?  I mentioned to MPH that I had told Juli that he didn't even watch porn, and he was offended.

MPH: It's like you're attacking my manliness!
Queen: Porn is manly?
MPH:  Yes!  I watch porn!  I don't dislike porn!  I watch it sometimes... I watch it ALL the time!  In fact, I was watching it today!
Queen, with one brow arched:  Oh really?
MPH:  Yes!  I watch porn constantly. I do it at work... and at home... and whenever you aren't looking!
Queen:  Yes, dear.  I'll make sure I spread that information around so you won't look all unmanly anymore.  Yes. You're a porn addict.  I'm so proud of you!

So if anyone asks, MPH likes porn... a lot.  Apparently that's important.  And this is why I fail to understand men... so I don't try.  Though I'm certain he's watching porn right now... somewhere.  Oh  wait! I know! I bet it's WEIRD porn!  I bet it's... you guessed it... PTERODACTYL PORN!  Because we ALL know how impressive and not weird that stuff is.

By the way, I have a side note here. I highly recommend NOT looking up ghost sex on google.  I found out some info from Urban Dictionary that I just can't un-see.  Wait, what?  Why did I look up ghost sex to begin with?  Well, I was trying to find some images to go with my totally innocent post on ghost porn, naturally!  *mutters under her breath* Ya perv.