Saturday, May 12, 2012

What Women REALLY Want for Mother's Day

Alright, I thought long and hard about this post, dear readers and loyal subjects.  I thought about it for a while, really, before I decided to write it.  To be honest, it feels like cheating.  But because I love you like I do, I'm making an exception and letting you all in on a little secret.  There really is a list of the things that women really want for Mother's Day.  We just don't tell the guys.  It's because they're supposed to figure it out on their own and surprise us with the things that we already know we want but won't tell them because that would be cheating and make it not the same.   And yes, that really did just make plenty of sense to the women reading this.  But guys, I've taken pity on you all, and I am now going to give you the list of what women really want for Mother's Day... and by women, I mean me.

1.  Jewelry.  Yes, that's right.  It's simple.  It's timeless, and we really do want it.  We want jewelry.  Lots of it. If it comes in a robins egg blue box, even better!  (That's a Tiffany's box for you guys who haven't clued into that little state secret yet.)

Oh, but there is something you should know if you do make it to Tiffany's or conveniently order online and have it delivered. There's a whole line of Tiffany's key jewelry. They're beautiful necklaces.  I own one, in fact.  I bought it myself.  Jewelry isn't MPH's (My Poor Husband's) strong suit, bless his heart.  But you do need to know that the Tiffany keys will NOT actually unlock the door to Tiffany's.  At least it won't open the one in Chicago.  And if you try, a security guard will remove you from the premises in a less polite than you would suspect manner.... or so I'm told.  Yeah.

2.  Ninja Monkeys.  It's true.  We want ninja monkeys to clean our house.  But don't get us the kind that throw poo, please.  At least don't get us the kind that throw poo at US... or in the house... outside and at people we don't like is fine.  In fact, it's kind of like a bonus service.  So you should check into availability on that.

3.  Axis of Awesome to write us our own personal theme song for our superhero universe we're working on.  Alright, alright, this one is sort of specific to me, but really, every woman needs her own theme song so you can just sort of extrapolate.

And if you still don't know who Axis of Awesome is (other than the three guys in the picture above), click here to see their video for 4 chords.  Check it out because it's never NOT funny, then email them at and tell them that they should really write that song.  I swear, they'll get tired of hearing from both you and me both eventually and do it just to get rid of me!  I'm good with that!

4.  To look like we think we look when we look in the mirror and in pictures... ever time.  This one is pretty much a given for all of us.  You should figure out how to make this happen.  MPH, I'm talking to you!  I keep figuring that it's the photographer's fault when I don't look like Cindy Crawford in pictures.  Turns out I know a LOT of bad photographers!

5.  To have a day out in public with our children and have them act like those perfect children on TV and in movies do.  Mine act more like that kid in The Exorcist. Can't we maybe get them to pick a different movie to emulate?!  We can even pick a Disney one, like Cinderella!  (See how I'm still working on getting my house cleaned up here?)

6.  To have the Carol Burnett show back on television.  If you're too young to know what I'm talking about here, I am sincerely sorry.  You should, however, look this up on youtube.  Just because I like you, I'll give you the link to a classic click here.  This is a rough sketch which includes the out takes but well worth it.  Carol Burnett was my hero growing up, and she still makes me laugh so hard I cry.  We should all do that more often.

7.  A pool boy.  For this one, it really doesn't even matter if you have a pool or not!  Oh and his name should be something like Enrique, Rafael or Dante because I think it's a law that guys with these names have to be sexy.  If it's not, then it should be, and I'd like to have that too.  These guys would have the full responsibility of flirting shamelessly with us while serving us cute little drinks as we sun ourselves while looking like we think we look and giggling as if we had not one single thought in our pretty little heads.  Yup, we all need this from time to time. It's just good for the ego.

8.  To know that our children love and appreciate us enough to give us a day or even a few hours alone in the bookstore/mall/our garden/online/or any other place where we can get away and enjoy ourselves in peace for a while.

And on that note, I'd like to wish all the mothers out there a very happy Mother's Day, even mine... The Wicked Witch. I love you, Mom!!!

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