Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Cooking with Lasers... or something like that.

Okay, I need everyone's attention here!  We have exciting news from the Queen's house!  Yes, it's true.  It's finally happened.  The Queen has cooked dinner and NOTHING WAS BURNED!!!  There was no smoke!  There was no fire!  The fire department did NOT have to be called... which really is sort of a bummer because I do so enjoy cute firemen... but that's not my point here!  My point is that I have FINALLY used a recipe to create something that would approximate an actual meal and had it turn out pretty much the way I figured it should and to top it all off... IT WAS EDIBLE!!  I do hope you're all writing this down.  You should make the occasion.  I've been trying so hard for over a month now and I have finally succeeded!  Yes, dear readers and loyal subjects, the Queen is capable of all sorts of complicated things. She made a 100 average in college calculus.  She once went to a special school for geeks in high school.  She knows all the words to REM's It's the End of the World as We Know It but until today she could NOT make a meal without burning her own kitchen down.  And I think we all know what that means.  Yes, it's true.  I have accomplished my goal and I need not EVER try to do that again.  Cross one off the old bucket list for me!  Whew.  Glad that's out of the way.  It's back to take out and fine dining for me, and by fine dining I mean McDonalds because the kids hate real food anyway.

Okay, so now that I've crossed cooking like a champ off my list of things to do during this lifetime, I suppose I should pick my next activity and hope that it doesn't involve smoke inhalation and having to evacuate the house.  Hmmm, maybe I should take up bikini modeling in my spare time.  Or I could write the great American novel.  Or maybe I could just write a blog and hang out with you nice people.  Hmmm, blog it is!  So what shall we talk about now that the food is out of the way?  Oh I know!  Kids' birthday party etiquette!  That'll do.

The girls and I are going to a birthday party for one of their friends this weekend and it's at the ever fabulous Wonder Works.  I'm being told we're going to play a game.  It's called "Laser" tag.  (Please image Dr. Evil making the little quote marks here around laser because it's what I compulsively do every time I say "laser" which is entirely Mike Meyers' fault and I just don't have time to come to each of your homes and show you so thank you for just imagining it for me. You're all just the BEST!)

By the way, I'm seriously hoping that those little light things really do show up when you shoot them. I don't know though since I've never played but here's my etiquette question.  If you're playing "laser" tag (I know. I really just can't stop that quote thing.  Just bear with me.) with your kids at a party, is it poor form to take out your own kids?  You see the Queen is a competitive sort of Queen, so my instinct is to just go in barrels blazing, yelling and doing those really cool rolls across the room that you always see in shoot 'em up movies!  I've never done one of those rolls, and I'll likely hurt myself and get stuck there on the floor and have to talk my kids into coming and helping me back up afterwards again, but I still think it's worth it for the cool points I'll garner just from having done it!  Anyone seen Hot Fuzz?  Because it's going to be like that.  Maybe I can even get TWO guns to make it look even better!  Besides, my kids are used to me embarrassing them.  I have to take it up a notch just to keep it fun.  Yeah, there's a plan.  But back to my question, is my six year old off limits as far as shooting things in laser tag?  Is this one of those be supportive and help out the kids or an all in every Queen for herself sort of activity?  See the other thing that I haven't mentioned yet is that I'll also be hanging out with my friend Mel of the WET PIRATES fame (Click here if you don't know that story because it's TOTALLY worth knowing) before this party and we sort of tend to get each other riled up.  She told me we'd have fun and that it was "on  like Donkey Kong" so I had to threaten to take her out if she threw a barrel at me.  We probably shouldn't be allowed to be in the same place at the same time.  It's pretty much chaos.  I'm fairly sure that the other laser tag players are already living in fear.

Okay, so whoever has the etiquette answer, I'd appreciate knowing it.  In the meantime I'll practice my war face, my yell, and run through the house making little pew pew noises and pretending to fire two "laser" guns at once.  The kids will probably be confused but $10 says they're running around with me after about 10 minutes.  They're versatile, my kids.  They pretty much have to be. That's life with the Queen!

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