Tuesday, May 15, 2012

How Did The Queen Go Country?

It's official, and I am ashamed of myself!  While I do live in a small, Southern, rural town, the Queen is far from a country bumpkin.... most days.  Somehow today doesn't seem to be one of my more cosmopolitan days!  I don't think I've fallen down to People Of Walmart lows, but it hasn't been one of my finer moments either.  Now The Queen has always been quite proud of her Southern heritage.  When people who haven't met me start looking for a description, I usually tell them to think of Scarlett O'Hara and make her blonde.  Granted, that isn't really a good description of me, but that's hardly the point.  If they haven't met me and they're asking, they're obviously not in any position to demand the truth!  That version of it works as good as any, I say!  That said, today even Scarlett would have had a hard time getting out a believable "Fiddle-dee-dee," if she'd been me.

Now see?  Just give her blonde hair, a Queen's apron, a bottle of Jack Daniels and probably that big ass knife I own and no one would know she's not me!  (Humor me on this one, people. I own a big ass knife and a bottle of Jack Daniels, and I'm not afraid to use either!)

Anway, today I suddenly realized that I had gone country without even knowing it.  I think I could have shaken off the first thing.  I could have pretended that I meant something else entirely.  I wouldn't have been hard... okay it would have been.  But it's hardly my fault that the directions I gave to someone relatively new to town included the statement "You go to the shopping center where the old Kmart used to be."  The words were out of my mouth before my brain caught up with them, and I just stopped speaking, appalled.  It might have been worse if I had said to turn left where the lightening struck the old oak tree about 15 years ago, but really that would have only been worse because I don't know of any such place.  I really should have just made up some new directions that sounded more cosmopolitan.  Turn left at the opera house and then make a right at Tiffany's.  Yeah, that sounds a lot better.

Now while I could have overlooked that first transgression, I'm afraid the second was really just beyond the pale.  To my credit, I was in a hurry... and I'd just finished getting a pedicure... and I work at home so there's usually no real reason for me to get all dressed up during the day... and did I mention I was in a hurry?  I'd been working all day at home, and I was comfortable.  I ran out for my pedicure just as I'd been all day then stopped by the Walmart to grab a bag of dog food.  That's really all I needed.  And honestly I was inside the Walmart before I realized what I had on.  Comfy to me since I work online all day includes a pair of my favorite sweat pants and a t-shirt.  The sweats are high end, though! They're Victoria's Secret!  The only problem as far as I'm concerned is that they say something across the ass.  Yeah... they do.  Now I am NOT 18 years old, and I have always SWORN that I would NEVER wear anything that made my ass say something!  In fact, my ass really just needs to be quiet and hope I put it in something flattering.  But I broke my own cardinal rule because these pants feel so good!  Unfortunately, they say "Love Pink" across the ass.  The fact that they're purple just makes them that much more silly.  Why in the world would you tell people you love pink and yet you're choosing to wear purple.  Just to keep from feeling like a total idiot, I did wear a pink t-shirt with it.  Yes, in my mind, that made it better.  Logic is flexible in my little world.

So there I was, wandering around Walmart with a 40 pound bag of dog food thrown over one shoulder and my ass announcing to anyone who cared to glance at it that I loved pink.  I'd have given a lot for a rock to hide under at that point.  But I figured I'd make the most of it.  And by making the most of it, I mean that I sprinted through the store while praying I wouldn't see anyone I know.  By the way, it would appear that no one is listening to my prayers.  Of course I saw everyone I've ever met during the 13 years I've lived in this town.  This left me with only one possible course of action.  I bought one of those huge boxes of Junior Mints along with my bag of dog food, fled the store, and attempted to eat the whole box in the car during the 10 minute ride home.  Because let's face it, chocolate makes everything better.  I'll try again tomorrow to be worldly.  Maybe I can find pants with a world map across the ass!!!



7 comments:

  1. I always thought of those Victoria's Secret clothes as meaning "Love from Pink" (as in, the singer) rather than "I love pink."

    And by "always thought" I mean I've been into Victoria's Secret and seen them exactly once, because we don't have VS here in Oz and I've only been to the US one time.

    Also, now that I mention it, I don't think it makes your story any better. Why would Pink have signed your ass?

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    1. You know now that you say that, MPH actually is a big Pink fan... which really is an odd thing for him. Usually he's not that cool, but regardless maybe I should tell him that's what that is! Because Pink would TOTALLY sign my ass! I'm just certain!

      On a side note, I get to meet The Bloggess tonight but I probably shouldn't ask her to sign my ass. That'd be weird. Pink, yes. The Bloggess... not so much. Maybe a taxidermied animal's ass!

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  2. PS, your blog hates my phone. I always have so many comments to make but I can't make them because the comment box doesn't work on my phone. Just saying. In case you wondered why I've not responded to your talk of the Hello Kitty planes (which I saw myself a few months ago and fell madly in love with) or the glimpse of your awesome kitchen with the overhanging pots (of which I am jealous because I really do like to cook and I like it even better in stylish surrounds)

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    1. I'm with you on the phone thing. It really doesn't like mine too. You should have seen me the day I was trying to get a comment that someone else had left published and it kept just sort of ignoring me because I was using my phone to do it. There might have been a bit of a fit pitched before it relented and let me have my comment!

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  3. How was your meeting with The Bloggess?? I'm so in awe of that woman - and she was so sweet and gorgeous in person. Like meeting my best friend (except she doesn't know she's my best friend so I sound like a stalker now).

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    1. OMG She was just incredible!!!! It was so exciting and I've been telling MPH for ages now that she's TOTALLY my BFF but doesn't want to tell anyone else because that might make them jealous of our whole bonded for life imaginary friendship! And she completely loved the tiara which you just KNOW I wore! Here we are!

      http://mail.aol.com/36081-111/aol-6/en-us/mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=31465364&folder=OldMail&partId=3

      I even gave her one of my mugs because it's her fault I write this blog anyway!

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    2. Ummm, okay so the link didn't work on the pic. Check out Twitter!!! (while I go try to figure out how a computer works and stuff.)

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