Monday, May 21, 2012

It's Official. The Internet Is For Stupid.

I ran into this print today on Facebook, and it got stuck in my head.  I have therefore decided to babble on and on and on and on and on ad infinitum about it to you poor people... I mean to you, dear readers and loyal subjects!  I mean really, it's kind of like a public service announcement.  How selfish would I be to constrain my thoughts, which at times run around like a pack of narcoleptic puppies just before they all fall asleep because someone fed them red bull and it's counteracting the whole narcoleptic part, just because you didn't ask to be told it?!  Very. That's the answer.  Very.  I am so much more there for you than all that.  You're welcome.

So anyway, I saw this funny, which is funny because it's true and I thought of you all!  Here it is!

Ready for the public service part?  Okay, here goes.  People on the internet are a) generally idiots unless they're not, and b) frequently not who they present themselves as being!  Okay.  I'm going to let that sink in for a few.... got it?  Ready to continue?  I just knew you were!  So... I personally find that this pops out in several ways.  Why do you suppose they even give people places to comment beneath news articles or informative posts when 99% of the time the comments are either ads for porn or dating sites or they're so vitriolic that I want to wash my eyes out with soap after reading them?!  (Vitriolic... that was an SAT word back in the day. Consider it one more service I provide. You're welcome again.)      It does make you wonder though if people have nothing better to do than to sit there and spit venom on line.  I'm guessing it's because no one will listen to them in real life.  The worse they sound the more I envision a rabid wombat sitting there typing with its claws... but maybe that's just me. These people ultimately make me giggle.

The other way I see it is in those people who pretend to be something that's not stupid only it turns out they're stupid anyway.  I do realize that a lot of relationships start online but I always have to laugh when my friends start telling me about the amazing guy or girl they met online who's invariably either a model or considered modeling but didn't in order to pursue their work as a brain surgeon for the Peace Corp.  Ummmm... yes, definitely that.  I totally understand.  And here's how it always goes.

Before the meeting:
Friend:  Oh but you don't understand.  This is definitely the one!
Queen while picking at a piece of chocolate cake because she loves chocolate cake:  Mmmhmm.  Yes, yes. I'm sure
Friend:  No really!  He was a model in Europe for a while!  He's just gorgeous!!
Queen, apparently lacking in sincerity:  Yes, I understand.  A better model than the last one?
Friend, openly scoffing:  Oh that guy was just a liar!
Queen:  Imagine that!
Friend:  No this one sent me a picture.  It's not from some modeling site either!  This one is a candid with friends, see?
Queen, checking out a group picture:  Ummm, which one is he?
Friend:  That incredibly good looking guy in the front!
Queen:  Well he's definitely model material!  Let me know how it goes.

After the meeting:
Friend (sobbing):  I can't believe he lied to me.
Queen, patting on the back or something while eating her chocolate cake one handed:  I can't either.  You did have a picture and all.
Friend:  Yes but he wasn't the guy in the front!
Queen, mumbling around a particularly large bite of cake:  Oh?
Friend, pulling out the picture: No!  He's this one here!
Queen, leaning in to see: Where?
Friend, pointing: Right here.
Queen:  The one who's in the background by about 3 people and not in focus?
Friend: Exactly.
Queen:  Oh.  You know, that blur doesn't even look like you described him.
Friend:  I know, right?! He said he was tall.  He was maybe 5'8".  He said he was six feet!
Queen, nodding: Definitely not six feet.  Ummm, just for curiosity, what did you tell him?
Friend:  Well I told him that I used to be a cheerleader and that I was about 5'8".
Queen, choking on her cake:  You were a cheerleader in elementary school, and you're 5'4"!
Friend:  Well everyone embellishes a little!
Queen with a big sigh:  Yes, imagine that.

Yes, people, Brad Paisley had it right about that entire aspect of the internet.  Go ahead, you know you want to.  Click to see the music video for Online (Sorry about the ad. Not my fault.)  So the point is that you just can't believe everything you read online.  Unless you hear it from me.  The tiara comes with a vow of truth, you know.  Would the Queen lie to you?!  Did I mention I was a size 4 and 5'10"?  Hmmmm, wonder what my prospects are as a brain surgeon...

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