You know, the Queen lives her life fairly simply. She wears a fairly subtle tiara when she goes out of the house. She runs to the grocery store with only her chauffeur in tow to carry her bags. She puts her pants on one leg at a time... when she's not modeling the latest in haute couture, of course. Because we all know that those pants go on over your head... when they have pants at all. But I digress. My point here is that the Queen prefers to live her life like you do, my dear readers and loyal subjects. She tries not to attract any more notice than her obvious regal bearing and good looks demand. That said, it's been ages since she's had the cops called on her! I mean, if I think about it and had to put a time category on it.... I'd say... it's been.... ooooooh.... at least a week! But all that came to a screeching halt today when the boys in blue came looking for her.
And it all started out so nicely, too! MPH (My Poor Husband) and I were out with Betty (hereafter known as MPR or My Poor Realtor for having to put up with me running higgeldy piggeldy through a series of potential vacation homes criticizing the furniture choices and why anyone in their right mind would build a wall only part way to the ceiling and then call one huge ass room two which is beyond me) calmly scouting potential vacation investment properties near Disney World. There were some lovely homes (the most lovely being about 3 times what I was looking to pay, naturally, but it was AWESOME!) but I do have to admit that there was a lot of police activity around one home. It was the sheriff department helicopter that originally alerted us to some sort of issue. It kept buzzing around one development while we looked at a home there. Then when we tried to leave the way was blocked by two police cars with lights flashing, though they did let us through. We found out later that there was an attempted break-in in the neighborhood (always a downer for potential purchasers... just saying'). But we figured it was no big deal. Well at least that's what we told Betty and her husband when they didn't seem to get that we were kidding around the time we yelled "Holy crap! It's the pigs!" and dove for cover in the first house. I'm not sure why my sense of humor is just lost on some people. Oh well! They'll all survive! On the plus side, there had been renters in this home before we got there and the cleaning service was there getting it ready for another set of renters. Turned out the first set had left some beer in the fridge so we got the bonus tour that came with the extra beer! No one else wanted it so somehow a can ended up coming into the car with me. It was a can of Busch.... only the classy stuff for me, people!
Anyway, we did keep moving away from ground zero for the local sheriff's department and went to a truly amazing neighborhood. This place was AWESOME! The homes were a big *cough cough* WAY *cough cough* out of our price range but they were worth looking at if only to say that I'd been in these places and stolen a door knob or two while I was there. At least that was my plan. Apparently the cops figured out the plan too. Phoey. So Betty takes us to this just killer house there in the neighborhood. And I'd like to take a moment to state for the record that even though the police came, there was no actual murder taking place either now or at any time in the past at this home... to my knowledge. But back to the story... we get to this home and make it through the front door, only to be greeted by the buzzing of the alarm system. Now we all know that there's a code for the alarm system and Betty, of course, had it! Or at least we all thought she did. Turns out... not so much! The code she had did nothing to dispel the buzzing and, in fact, the buzzing turned into loud whoops of siren noises that were definitely less than tranquil. This is about the time we decided that it would behoove us to scour the outside of the house prior to the arrival of the police. Fortunately Betty spoke to the alarm company and got the alarm cut off again so all was well. That's when the real criminal activity began. This house was spectacular! It was perfection! It was beautiful! It was expensive as hell, and I wasn't planning to leave it! I was moving in!! The heck with pilfered door knobs. I wanted to pilfer the whole house! Squatting is legal, right?! I'm not kidding here! It looked like someone had snuck into my head, figured out what I loved best, and smacked all of it down in one place and yelled "Voila!" This was the result. It made my heart beat a little faster, and I savored every moment I got to spend there... right up until the cops came.
We were really about to leave. I swear we were! No one saw me doing otherwise! That's when we heard the knock and could see the two officers standing outside the cut glass door. Naturally, because no one would expect otherwise, MPH and I both ran towards the door past the embarrassed Betty. Howling in laughter with our hands up over our heads, we flung the door open and yelled "WE DIDN'T DO IT!!!" I think we both had the idea to claim it was a hostage situation just in case there was any confusion about who to shoot at. The thing was the two officers were already laughing when we opened the door. Normally I figure that's a good thing, but I wasn't sure that they should have found us all that funny that quickly. We could have been hardened criminals! We could have been anyone! There was an alarm involved here!! So lowering our hands and staring at them as if they had no sense whatsoever, we watched as Betty managed to push past both of us and explain the situation, apologizing profusely. When she finished, we found out they were afraid that this alarm had been caused by whoever was trying to break into the next neighborhood down, so they'd sent two cars to investigate. I was kind of sad to find out that we didn't warrant the helicopter. But given that information, even Betty began to wonder what they were laughing at when we opened the door. So they told us. They'd come up on the house and seen our minivan in the driveway. Looking through the window they'd also seen the can of Busch beer. It would seem that a minivan with beer in it isn't the usual modus operandi for house thieves working the area. Who knew? It was a little disheartening to find out that I no longer inspire fear in the hearts of police everywhere....maybe if I'd been driving truck or something. I'm really not sure. But they were very nice and understanding about the whole thing. So we waved and called goodbye to them and just before they drove off, I yelled back at MPH "They're going now! Grab the flat screen!" I don't think Betty really wants to show us any more houses, and I can't say I blame her.