Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Why Are There Penises In My House Plant?

Okay, I realize that Freud would be having a field day here but today I discovered tiny penises in my house plant!  I only have one house plant in my house because I have a serious black thumb, and it's here in my office.  So here I sit, just chillin'... (I mean working hard, Cherie!) and I turned around to look out the window.  That's when I was reminded of the need to water my plant... that's why it lives in front of the window, people.  I need all the reminders I can to keep from killing this thing.  I've had it over a year and it's been alive that entire time... mostly!  It's really a miracle.  So anyway, I went to check the soil by delicately poking one royal  finger at it, and that's when I found them.  Penises... Little neon yellow penises in my plant.  Just what has my plant been doing while I was working with my back to it?!

Now I know that if I just tell you, dear readers and loyal subjects, that there are penises in my plant, then I know you will say "But Queen, surely you're exaggerating.  What's REALLY in your plant?"  At least that's what I'd imagine you'd say.  I called MPH and told him I had tiny yellow penises in my house plant.  He asked "Is that why you called me?"  I told him it was and he muttered something about needing to go back to work.  It was HIGHLY disappointing as far as responses go.  Telling my friends at work went a little better.  Actually, I sent them pictures.  I mean really!  Wouldn't you need photographic proof before you believed that my plant had invading little penises in it?!  Well, Denise cut right to the chase, took one look at the picture and announced that she thought my plant was "screwed."  I kid you not.  Tammie, on the other hand, told me she thought I should probably take better care of my plants.  That's when I offered to turn on mood lighting and water the whole lot of them with a Jack and coke but apparently that's not what she meant.  Tammie really needs to learn to be more specific.  I figured playing a little Barry White would help too but again... that wasn't what she meant.

Now, I realize you're all just dying to see these little yellow penises.  Oh and by the way, MPH tells me I should never call any penises "little" but they are.  So here's the picture you know I took for you.

It turns out it's unnaturally hard to take decent pictures with an iPhone of tiny penis plants, but there they are... the neon yellow ones hiding around the base of the mushrooms that also invaded.  MPH felt fairly confident that the penises were immature mushrooms but I'm sticking with the tiny invading penis theory because really... why would you not?!!!  Besides, even I think penises are funnier than mushrooms.  Mushrooms are so mundane.  Penises... now penises are funny!!!  Just ask me... but don't ask MPH.  He took that whole statement sort of personally.  Men... what can you do?  The bottom line though is that I don't have the heart to pull these little guys up out of the plant.  They just seem so... helpless!  I'm planning to let them get a little bigger then I'll get them out.  I feel less guilty about pulling up mushrooms.  Yeah, it's just one of those odd things.

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