Friday, March 30, 2012

Chainsawed Flamingo Sculptures and the Lottery

Now we all realize that the lottery jackpot for this next drawing is a wee bit on the high side.... like a gazillion dollars on the high side.  Okay, maybe it's not a gazillion dollars, but more than a half a billion dollars. That's right.  It's literally more than a half a BILLION dollars.  That even SOUNDS outrageous.  Regardless, that's what we're dealing with.  And while I realize that logically the lottery is a tax on the mathematically challenged, and that the odds of winning are astronomically small, The Queen is no fool!  And over a half a billion dollars will buy me a SERIOUS stash of tiaras!... and all the cupcakes I can eat for... like... EVER!!!  I mean holy cannoli, people!  Did I mention half a billion dollars?!  That's hard to even comprehend.  Think of it in terms of pairs of shoes!  I would need to build a pretty major extension onto my closet for something like that.  Hey!  I could mix and match!  I could buy new tiaras to match each new pair of shoes and have a cupcake while I'm doing it!  There is no end to the delightfulness!  Needless to say, I sent MPH (My Poor Husband) out to buy $10 worth of tickets.  Because face it, I've thrown $10 away on sillier things before.

So this whole thing brought me to thoughts on what would you really do with $520 million dollars.  I mean, I realize the usual.  I'd pay off my house.  I'd pay off my credit cards. I'd put aside money for the royal kids' college fund.  I'd buy that chainsaw wood sculpture of a flamingo that I threaten to buy every time we go to a local festival because I want to put it in the natural area in my front yard but that MPH refuses to let me purchase because he thinks it's tacky or something.  In fact... I'd buy 10.  I'd have my own flock of these chainsawed sculptures!  I'd pose them in different positions.  It'd be what I do for fun while Enrique handles my pool boy and male modeling needs.  You know... the usual.  But after that what do you really do with all that money?!  The answer, dear readers and loyal subjects?  Any damn thing you want to!  I could buy my own elephant with that!  And if my little town tried to pass an ordinance limiting my ability to own an elephant, I could buy the whole town!  But you know what I'd really like?  I'd like a castle!

The funny thing is that I found a castle for sale earlier this week that would just suit my needs.  It's like it was put online for me to find just so I'd know just what to do when I win the lottery.  It turns out there's this actual castle called Richthofen Castle in Denver that was built by the uncle of the Red Baron.  Now that's not the pizza guy, it turns out.  And apparently it's no one related to Snoopy either, but it is, in fact, the uncle of the real WWI pilot.  And this castle, which is really lovely based on the pictures, can be yours for a mere 3.9 million dollars.  It's a STEAL!  And you know what?  Just in case anyone tried to poo poo the fact that you live in a castle, as if any commoner could pick up a castle on the open market, the very name has the word RICH in it.  This is pure perfection.  Oh and just to add spice to the equation, it was also the sight of an infamous murder where some rich guy was killed by his also rich but apparently fed up wife in 1911.  You just can't buy that kind of history, people.  No wait, you can, but it costs $3.9 million.  So yeah, I'd pick myself up a castle with my winning loot and sit around basking in the glory of the Rocky Mountains because basking sounds like something that someone with more money than the US government currently would do.

After my castle, everything else would be a let down.  I'd probably buy myself a slurpy or something from the 7-11.  Then I'd hire someone to move all my flamingo sculptures to the natural area in front of my castle.  The people in the castles around me would complain about how my flamingos were tacky but I'd be too rich to care, I'm better.  Now that I think about it though, I'm not exactly rich now and I still wouldn't care.  I think it's because I'm the Queen.  And royalty does have its benefits.  So for all of you out there who ran out to buy lottery tickets too, good luck!  And if you win, would you buy me a chainsawed flamingo sculpture?  Thanks!  You're the best!

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