This is Eileen's Fault

The Queen has been trying to watch her diet a little more closely lately.  It hasn’t been going too badly.  It went pretty well the night the pizza place decided to starve me, in fact.  Unfortunately when left to my own devices, I can usually find some food.  Hey!  Maybe the pizza episode was MPH’s way of trying to support the whole diet initiative.  Or… it may have just been a really bad idea on his part.  Guess which one I’m voting on.  But back to my point, you see, I’ve been trying so hard to get my notorious sweet tooth under control.  And today… I lost it.

The whole thing started while I was taking a break from work, actually holding on the phone for a teleconference that my client never showed up for.  While waiting for my client I had the opportunity to talk with some of my colleagues for a bit, however.  This is always a good thing.  I swear they’re all crazy enough to make me look normal.  And ummm… if you talk to any of them and they say otherwise, they’re also all psychopathic liars!  I swear!  Would the Queen lie to you?!  I think not!!!  So we were discussing cupcakes (naturally) and drinks (yeah, that’s pretty natural too) and how MAGNIFICENT the blog is. (My colleague, Syed, really did say that and so he gets a gold star for his forehead and will be knighted by the Queen in the very near future.)  And what I found after this particular discussion was that I was awfully hungry!  So what happened, from the best I can tell, is that Eileen got me started thinking about sweets and my sweet tooth woke up and had some kind of spasm!  It wasn’t pretty, people!  I was hungry and it was hungry and it was just sort of…. Rabid!  It’s true!  So naturally, I had to run to the kitchen to find something to feed it.

It’s really a shame about this whole diet thing.  Because of it, I’ve gotten rid of most of the sweets in the house.  I now stock the house with fresh fruit and yogurt and healthy snacks.  What the hell was I thinking?!  These snacks were just NOT going to cover it!  There was no WAY a plum was going to settle down this gargantuan sweet tooth of mine.  I wanted chocolate chip cookie dough!  I wanted cupcakes!  I wanted ice cream sandwiches!  I wanted something spectacular!  And finally… I found it.

I admit that I used to do this as a kid.  My grandmother used to bake special things for me.  She used to make this amazing pound cake for me in the summers and for my birthday.  To this day it’s comfort food.  Too bad I didn’t have a pound cake.  But I had something close.  I had a box of cake mix in the cabinet.  Now you’ll remember that I did say that I was working, so obviously I didn’t have time to make a whole cake here.  I was hungry, not irresponsible.  Okay, really I’d have probably made it anyway but I have a rule.  I don’t cook.  Ever.  For any reason.  Life’s too short and most things are just too flammable.  The Queen has some skills, but cooking isn’t one of them.  So I did the next best thing.  I made cake batter!  Yes, I said it!  I made cake batter… then I ate it!  It was raw cupcake goodness!

Alright, alright. I didn’t eat ALL of it, but I did cart off a container full of it back up to my office, along with a plastic spatula because that’s what my grandmother used to give me to eat it with, and I sat my happy self back down at work and commenced to eat.  People… dear readers… loyal subjects… there is very little in the world more wonderful than raw cake batter.  Now I know about the raw eggs, and I know about the salmonella, and I know some people like to cook it, but people!!!  This was DELICIOUS! It was so delicious the whole time I was eating… until I stopped… and then… it really wasn’t so delicious anymore.  BLEH, people!  There really is such a thing as too much of a good thing, or so they tell me.  This might have been one of those times, but I will tell you that I got lucky.  My upset tummy settled down after a liter or so of water.  There was no diabetic coma, mostly because I’m not diabetic, and I finally felt better.  Yes, people, life was good.  And a little cake batter didn’t kill me… so I ate some more!  Who’s idea was this anyway?  Oh yeah, it was Eileen’s.  The woman’s a bad influence if anyone ever asks. 

Later, peeps!  I have to go wish I hadn’t eaten this second round, recover and then rally for a third!  This stuff is hard work but my sweet tooth is beaten into submission.  I’ll consider dieting again tomorrow.  Anyone want a bite before it’s gone?