Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Please Don't Try This At Home!!!

The Queen has had a difficult day.  Alright, to be more precise, the Queen is a klutz!  Yes, dear readers and loyal subjects, I managed to stumble down the brick steps of my back deck while rescuing a whole litter of kittens from a bear attack... wait, that's not technically true.  And by not technically true, I mean it's an outright lie.  Yeah.  I stumbled down the steps while heading out to the "man-hut" to get something for MPH (My Poor Husband).  And we all know what that means don't we?  Yes, indeed.  This is HIS fault!  And face it, we all knew it would be.

So here's how my day started.  I went out to the back to find something for MPH that he'd left in his man-hut.  On the way out, my puppy was frolicking around as she always does, and I wasn't paying nearly enough attention.  That's when I managed to misplace my bare foot, twist and roll it and break one toe in the process.  And there was great lamentation... at least there was great yelling and cursing.  I figure it was the ultimate "Good morning, Sunshine" for my neighbors.  I'm probably lucky they didn't call the cops on me.

Now, at this point I am standing there bleeding from where I scraped my foot, jumping up and down on my other foot, making up new curse words, and that's when it hits me.  That's when I realize exactly what the most important thing about what just happened is.  And here it is...
Yes, amazing Louboutin pointed-toe heels.  Okay, I don't currently own any Louboutin pointed-toe heels, but the thought that ran through my head was that with a broken toe, I can't POSSIBLY wear Louboutin pointed-toe heels!!!  This was a tragedy!!!  I might not survive!!! (And yes, this actually IS what went through my head once the throbbing pain cleared for a moment.  It turns out that fashion is important enough to break through even broken bone pain.  Well, that and the fact that my little mind makes some strange jumps on me sometimes.)

So there I was, hobbling back up to my office, foot bleeding and swelling, and I managed to flop down into my office chair... where I proceeded to whine to anyone who would listen to me.  Now, here's the sad part.  I know how to provide first aid. I  know the sorts of things that you should do for an acute injury.  And how many of them did I do?  You guessed it. None.  So when Tammie asked me if I had it elevated and had put ice on it, the answer was a pause then... no.  So since I was home alone, up I got and went back down the stairs, muttering and groaning the whole way.  I got a pillow and I got an ice pack and back up the stairs I went... yeah, still whining.  So I get back into my seat, prop my foot up, put ice on it and then Tammie asks "Did you take some ibuprofen?"  And that, dear readers and loyal subjects, is when I broke my pen.  You'd have thought she'd have asked  BEFORE I went downstairs for everything else!  But noooooooo!  And yes, I really did know that I should do these things on my own, but turns out I'm a big baby and pain apparently saps all coherent thought from my mind.  So when it comes to general first aid, I'm a do as I say and not as I do sort of girl.

But there's a point here! Breaking a toe hurts like the bejeezes and there's just simply nothing to be done for it medically.  I've had my ibuprofen and washed it down with a big margarita at the Mexican restaurant with dinner.  I feel better!  But I still don't recommend you try any of this at home.  Stay safe, people!!

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